Monday, November 17, 2014

I need to come to this place....

i  dont know what is wrong with me.

In the last three weeks I've had 5 med changes, innumerable mood changes that shift from elation to sad crying or angry crying to just plain angry. Then their is the horny state which caused me to lose my virginity to a girl in a bar bathroom on Halloween. Add to that a zoned out state where my brain has too many thoughts I look dazed and then musical theatre....oh yes, musical theatre is a mood and basically it is performing songs with full singing and dancing in public whether people want it or not. Oh, and dont forget those jazz hands. Hott.

And now....hopelessness and depression. out of the three times Ive gone to the hospital Friday was the first time it was because I was down. I had taken 7mg of clonazepam and a bottle of cough medicine....should have taken down a horse, but unfortunately I was fine.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want to die. I just don't want to feel sometimes.

I really want to overdose tonight, just to not think....but I know it will just cause more problems than anything.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


I feel like I am searching for something but I don't know what it is and just feeling completely incomplete. I break down all the time because I just don't feel right. I am unhappy...but I have a happy facade. Nobody knows how I feel and I don't know how to explain it so that they would understand. So I continue to search. I continue to starve. I guess it has an essence of hope because I haven't given up...but it is a terribly lonely place to be and it is excrutiatingly agonizing. 

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Dress for the wedding! W pics!

So I have been having a dress situation for the wedding I have coming up and basically I would of had to lose 4" in my chest/bust by the 29th of this month to fit into my dress so that the alterations woman could make me a corset to wear under it. It woudl have cost $130. My dress was only $50.

After much deliberation....I went to the mall yesterday and bought a new dress....a sexy one. Here are some pics! SOrry for the bad quality! If it wasn`t 6 am and my batteries didn`t die I would have done my makeup and retook them. OH and cleaned my bathroom mirror! LOLS And yes that`s my skin in the back....just an inch from hip to hip, but it`s kinda risky, no?




Monday, May 28, 2012

How I feel when I lose weight...



When I lose a lb, I feel like I just shot heroin. Now I've never done heroin, but from what I've read I get that rush, that overwhelming out-of-this-world, insatiable feeling. I want more. I want it now. I feel like going for a run for the next 4 hours. I feel like doing pushups until my arms give out. I want this feeling again and as soon as possible. I am the happiest person around when I'm losing, and the most depressed person when I'm not. I daydream for hours of what I'll look like if it keeps up at this rate. The shopping, the looks from guys and other girls...the dream of being "that girl". I'm completely infatuated all in a matter of seconds.

It is actually scary. The fact that I get such a reaction makes me think that I definitely have a problem.

Friday, April 27, 2012

My new goal: BALLET!

I was writing a msg to a friend about my exercise goals this summer and somehow I got talking about the ballet class I was going to take. I suddenly came to the realization that:
 LIFE PUTS SO MANY LIMITS ON YOU ALREADY, WHY PUT LIMITS ON YOURSELF?
My entire life I have doubtly my intelligence and my beauty, my ability to perform...no longer. In highschool I would never try out for a solo in plays or in choir because I, ME only ME, thought I wasn't good enough. Today I have had many solos and play solo with my guitar and sing at bars all the time and get tons of applause. I never fathomed that I would be in a band, let alone be the lead singer...and now it's like "been there, done that". So many things that I thought I couldn't do and only I was standing in my way, no one else. I am so sick and tired of standing in the way of my own dreams.

So NO MORE! I finally decided, this summer I am going to take ballet lessons through my university. I always said, I don't have the right body type, I'll be the fat one in the class, they'll stare at me cause I'm not perfect, I'll be the oldest one there. Well you know what, who the fuck cares. I'm not letting those things stop me anymore. And this is just the beginning. I have decided I want to pursue ballet year round and eventually get good enough to get into pointe shoes! It may take 10years but I really want this so I am going to work for it.

I've been looking up dance studios and I've found one I really like that is all ages friendly and that doesn't compete because they want to focus on being good dancers first. I liek thier philosophy and I think I will be comfortable there. In order to prepare for registration and to start in September, my three summer goals are:

1. save money
2. make healthy exercise and diet my job (increase strength, endurance, flexibility, and decrease weight)
3. register on time

I feel very motivated and excited. Now for the hard work.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

New **ORANGE** Spring Jacket!!! With Pic!

Yay I got a new orange spring jacket from Winners yesterday and I thought I would post a picture to show you what it looks like. I LOVE IT! p.s. yes the pic is the bathroom lol

Weight in this pic: 206.8lbs