thoughts....anxieties...

What does it mean to be female?
What can people tell just by looking at me?
Do they see my pain? Do they see my struggle?
DO I look like I don't have a care in the world?
How old do I look? How fat do I look? Why does it matter...


I want to lose so much weight that I no longer exist...That everyone notices my determination and self-discipline.

I feel anxious...I feel dizzy and things seem sureal.

My life is non-existant. I do nothing all day long and only do things when absolutely necessary. My choir...the gym...appointments...group therapy...the never-ending search to find myself, my future...

DO I have a future? Maybe what they say is right...borderlines are doomed. I am doomed to never feel security or self-assured. I feel completely unravelled.

I feel so lonely...even in a crowd of people I feel alone. I can feel happy, I can feel excited...but it doesn't last.

Why does sexuality have to be so complicated? Why don't I react the same as my peers? I have only once seen someone in a sexual way. When I look at people they are completely platonic....men, women...I have no idea what I truly find attractive in a partner because I don't even know what I am looking for. Everyone is on a friend basis with me...I don't know how to cross over. No matter how much I move on, my bad experiences from my past continue to persist in my life.

I refuse to get into a romantic relationship with anyone because I know things will inevitably end up sexual and I don't know how to be that way with anyone...

Take a risk my counsellor says. A risk...I can only see one outcome and that is heart break. Why invest in someone only to not be able to reciprocate their feelings. I don't know many men...or women who are into women for that matter...so it's hard to get to know someone well enough to decide to date or move forward. I don't know if I'm even into men or women...and this is a recent revelation. I can't picture myself being sexual with either...but I can find both attractive with regard to personality and looks. I wish I could feel one way or the other. The confusion is dizzying.

I have blocked out all things, all thoughts sexual as a means to protect myself from these thoughts. I have a bad habit of changing ordinary thoughts into something sinister...an obsession, an out of control twisting and seething of memories and forecasts of the future.

ugh...why does life have to be so complicated...

Thinspo - June 26, 2011

So my diet was going really well and I lost 8 lbs. Then I graduated university and had convocation with all the celebrating to follow, a couple days in a hotel in a near by town with my friend, chillin and eating...and officially I have fallen off the diet. BUT the good news is I can always start again tomorrow, which I plan to do. I have bought tons of the "right" foods that the diet requires and I am getting back on. I want to lose 20 lbs (including the 8 lbs already) by July 22, because that is when I have my end of term concert with the choir I sing with. I have a solo for the song Supermassive Black Hole by Muse. It is a very sexy song and I want to look the part!
Thus, here is some inspiration:

Thinspo for the new diet!

my new diet

I started a new diet. It is called the 17 day diet. My aunts are on it and have all had good results so far so my one aunt bought me the book. Apparently it has been promoted by shows such as Dr. Phil and The Drs. I decided to try it because my aunts have all lost around 10 lbs in the first 17 days and my aunt's coworker lost 48 lbs!

The diet is not just 17 days, it runs in 4, 17 day cycles. Basically it is a low carb, low sodium, low sugar, high protein, high probiotic diet. I am on day 7 and I have lost SIX lbs! But I warn you it isn't an easy diet. If you don't like meat, like I don't, it can be really hard to eat enough and you feel tired all the time from the lack of calories/carbs.

The first 17 days goes like this:

You can eat as much meat as you like from: chicken, turkey, eggs (only 4 egg yolks a week), and light fish (salmon, white tuna, catfish, sole, etc).

You can eat as many veggies as you would like from the specified list of veggies. There are no potatoes, yams, sweet potatoes, corn, etc. Basically no carby veggies.

You can only have two LOW SUGAR fruits a day, and he recommends eating them before 2pm. I have been having 3-4 fruits a day and I eat mine whenever I feel like my energy is low and it hasn't hindered my progress.

You must have two probiotic servings a day. I get mine from yogurt.

You must have one fat a day, in the form of flaxseed oil or olive oil, or healthy salad dressings.

You are also suppose to get at least 17 mins of exercise a day.

I have cheated a few times and had carbs because my energy was soo low, and I have still managed to lose. I have a forbidden carb like every other day. On friday it was a pita with chicken and veggies in it. Yesterday I had an ice cream cone from DQ. I haven't gone overboard though. The one problem now is, if I go crazy and binge on a bunch of carbs I will gain all the weight back. Just knowing that I am very cautious around carbs.

At this point I am not sure what is causing me to lose the weight. Is it the lack or carbs and sugar or is it because I am consuming less than 1000 cals a day. Maybe both? Whatever it is, I look forward to when the next week and three days are over so I can move on to the next cycle where you get to incorporate a few starchy veggies and carbs, every other day. I have been having SERIOUS cravings for carbs. So if you are a carb lover, I wouldn't recommend this diet. Eventhough, if you can keep it together for 17 days, you will probably see a good loss.

I'll keep you posted on my progess!

Coming Clean

So I haven't updated weight on the side of my page for a loooong time.

So my weight ballooned to 216lbs over 5 months because I had hypothyroidism that was undiagnosed. Apparently it was caused by my med Lithium I was taking. One of it's common side effects is hypothyroidism. So finally in January/Feb I was diagnosed and put on thyroid meds. Then my thyroid corrected and now I can lose weight again.

I am currently 209lbs.Not great, by any means, but it is going in the right direction finally. During those 5 months I would gain about 2lbs a week! And that was while I was exercising and eating right.

I have been going to an ED outpatient program since February so I have been trying to just eat normal and not worry about losing weight, but lately that's been really hard.

I back to trying to find diets to follow and trying to lose as much weight as possiblein the shortest amount of time. There is this red dress I bought online that is a little too tight right now butI want to wear it on my birthday in may. Thisis the dress but mine is red. It's sexy and hawt!

ugh, parents.

So on Monday I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and my parents, kind of a last appointment for my parents to see him and ask questions before I getmy new psych next month.

Things were fine. Like usual my dad talked to much and barely listened.

Everything was normal until my dad started to talk about my weight. THe jist:

"Lauren's always had a weight problem. She eats when she's happy. She eats when she's sad. She doesn't make the right choices and she needs to learn how to eat right...etc."

I was soo upset I couldn't get a word out to defend myself. My mom did speak up however and said that I was attending groups to help my eating.

OOOOOOOO I am so angry! He has no idea what I eat, how I eat, how I feel, and how what he says affects me. I've never talked to my parents about purging, restricting or over-exercising so I guess I can't really expect them to get it. But still....I feel ashamed and horrible embarrassed that my dad talked about me that way to my psychiatrist in front of my mom and me too.

I don't want to eat anymore. I just want to starve until I am thin. And then he can shut up.

Curvspiration

SO today I got up and I decided to embrace my natural curves. I put on a dress that is form fitting in the hips and butt, and a short grey cardigan that hugs my upper half and I am WORKING IT! I might even post a pic later if I get the nerve. I am walking with a strut and telling myself with every step that I am hot shit, not everyone will think so, but people who can appreciate a full figured woman will have their tongues waggin! I did awesome eye makeup, yellow in the center that goes into orange and then hot pink on the outer corner. I also parted my hair to a different side. I';m just a whole new woman! lol Fresh look, fresh attitude. Now I just need to keep it up for the weekend because I have to sing at my cousins wedding on Saturday. I am going to post pictures of my outfit that night because it's a strapless dress and I am doing henna as jewelery...it should look amazing.

Anyway, enjoy my inspiration for the day. And NOTE: curvy is NOT a euphemism for FAT!