Happy Halloween!!

Finally it has arrived! :D

Halloween is one of my favourite holidays. I am a huge fan of dressing up and playing a part. The more drama the better. I never half-ass Halloween. Every year I make my costume, and usually my friends costumes and we have a great time. I think I enjoy the making the costumes just as much as I enjoy wearing them. Halloween to me is just a more elaborate form of a bar night. I always wear fake eyelashes and try to wear something no one else will be wearing but I find my friends and I are the only ones that do this on random nights. Halloween is finally when I feel like everyone else has joined in our fun! Oooow I can't wait to see all the costumes.

So a week ago my friend and I decided we are going to have a Halloween pre-drink at my house before we go to the club around 10 (we are NOT waiting in lines tonight). So I live with roommates in student housing and our landlords have not kept up their end of the bargain with regards to upkeep in our townhouse. Our basement is unfinished and was suppose to be completed by the time we moved in in September. Basically it is just a bunch of exposed sheets of wood that have been nailed onto 2X4s. Some of the ceiling tiles are missing and there are wires hanging out of them....it is a mess. BUT, being creative as I am, I saw an opportunity! It is pretty creepy as it is, but we made it even creepier last night! We hadded fake cobwebs to the existing real cobwebs, and streamers, and caution tape and tons of fake blood. I have reawakened my morbid obsession with blood in the last week. I went to my friends glow-in-the-dark halloween birthday on Thursday and I was a zombie just drenched in blood. It was fabulous.
So since the basement is in the process of being finished, it has all these tools and stuff laying around, we decided to make a haunted shed theme. There is a table saw down there and I covered the blade and stuff in blood and it looks wicked. Then we have a laundry room and my roommate had an old comforter that she was going to throw out, so I covered that in blood and I have it half in and out of the washing machine. There is blood all over the floor like someone was dragged....I am in love.

On top of all the decorations I have been baking up a storm. Cupcakes, two types of squares, eyeball cookies (which are amazing), brownies, chocolate bars, gummies, gummy body parts and candy apples. Of course I won't be eating any of them...but still, it is going to look great once I get it all on the table and then add the creepy crawlers and body parts.

This is going to be an epic night.

Oh and I am going as Elvis. I originally was going to go as Betty Boop, but I just wasn't feeling confident enough to pull off that look this year. Usually I vamp it up...but I was just feeling too fat. Boo. Next year though my goal is to be a Harlem/belly dancer. Here are some photos of the costumes I want to be in the upcoming years. Wish me luck. Holiday thinspo!


Update: Since being out of the hospital, the month has been pretty stable. Not much to report. Feeling a bit more down than usual, but it comes and goes. On top of my coursework and looking for a job currently....we'll see how that goes....

What a fuckin week....

So on Monday, I was on my way to class and I tried to jump in front of a bus. LUCKILY the bus swerved into the other lane. Wtf!

I was sufficiently freaked out after that happened, I couldn't stop shaking. I was terrified to be out of my house and walking around. I didn't trust myself to be anywhere.

Somehow I managed to make it to campus and go to a couple appointments and class. Then I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at 5:30, the first after hours appointment I have had with him at the school. I told him that I was having thoughts of self-harm and he said that I've said that before and I need to get in contact with the other members of my team. Then we went on to talk about sleep and the new medication he wanted to try me on. I was visibly shaken, apparently, cause he said I had a "dear in the headlights" kind of look. After we were finished talking about sleep I told him that "I almost jumped in front of a bus"....I just couldn't tell him the truth that I actually did. I knew if I told him I did then I would be sent to the hospital for sure, and I really didn't want to go to the hospital. He said that feelings like those are generally a good time to go to the hospital but we could try brainstorming to see what other options we could have. Unfortunately, my brain was swirling and I couldn't think straight so I had no other options to offer. So he decided it would be a good idea that I go to the hospital and be in this new mental health unit that is an up to 24hr observation unit that only holds three people and has a psychiatrist specifically assigned to it. I agreed and was asked to wait in the main lobby of the health services at our school.
While I was waiting I started to panic. I really didn't want to go. I was told that the campus police would be coming to wait with me and then the city police would take me to the hospital...I did NOT want the police to come. I asked to use the phone which was out of the view of the nurses, made a phone call to my friend and then ran for it. My friend was on the other side of campus so I went to see her and hopefully have her talk some sense into me. This friend is particularly blunt and honest and aspires to be a cardiologist one day so I knew she wasn't going to take this lightly, and she definitely didn't. I again, lied and said that I "almost" jumped, but she still thought that was really serious. So she agreed to walk to health services and stay with me. The rest of the night, if she wasn't there, I would have been gone for sure.

So we got to Health Services and let the nurse know we were back and she informed us that the police had been out looking for me. Great. So the police go there shortly after and my friend and I got to ride in the back of a cop car to the hospital.

For a Monday night the hospital ER was ridiculously busy. We had to stand when we first got there. After a while we saw the triage nurse and were moved into a hallway in between the ER waiting room and the actual ER. Luckily my friend brought her laptop so we ended up watching "The Holiday" with the cops while we waited. Eventually I was moved into the hallway in the ER where they keep people who are waiting for mental health services (psych ward, psychiatrist evaluation, etc). I've been there more than a few times so I knew the drill. We got to the ER around 6:30pm and I was finally moved to the observation unit around midnight.

Overall, the hospital stay was purposeful. I was in there from Monday night until Thursday around 4pm. I didn't get much sleep though, but at least I was safe. I lied to get out. It is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada this weekend and it is usually the only weekend I go home from school before Christmas. I was extremely nervous to be let out because I really didn't feel safe. The nurse said though, if I needed to come back than it was fine that I come back...so we'll see how I feel Monday when I go back to school.
I hadn't planned on telling any of my family that I was in there but the nurse I had on Wednesday was pretty adamant that I should involved them. I got in touch with my brother and he said that if I didn't tell my parents than he would. So in the end my mom picked me up from the hospital when I got out. Now I am at home, which is two hours south of where I go to school.

One plus from this week, I barely ate in the hospital and I lost 3lbs between Sunday and Thursday. Yay! Downside of the week, I am now really far behind in my stats class and I might have to drop one of my other courses. I had an assignment due in stats on Wednesday that I wasn't able to finish and I have a midterm next week on Wednesday. I am going to see if the Disabilities Office can help me out to get extensions on these.

So the plan for this weekend: stay in my house and not go anywhere by myself. I still don't feel safe so I am hoping this will keep me safe. And if all else fails and the urge is to strong I will just cut. At least it isn't dangerous like jumping into traffic.

Have a lovely day. Stay safe.

Weight loss competition commence

I have been a member of a a website since June. Its focus is beauty, but really it is about weight loss and extreme dieting. I have posted a ton of "thinspo", thin inspiration, and am really finding it a welcoming place.

Today is the first day of a two week mini weight loss competition. We have four groups with 3 people each. Our team has decided that we are going to restrict as much as possible and get in as much exercise as we can. Some teams have chosen to include purging, laxatives, fasts, etc. I am glad my team isn't doing any of those.

So far today has been really good. I have eaten an apple, some cauliflower and a cup of soup. I am surprised I am not hungry at all. Actually quite the opposite, food is revolting at the moment. I don't know where this came from but I am definitely not complaining.

This past year has been a binge marathon. I have gained about 40 lbs in a year. I hit my highest weight ever in May and was devastated. At the time I was dieting and exercising and still gaining weight. Turns out I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome and it had gone way awry. My doctor put me on Metformin, a med usually used for diabetes, and then I stopped gaining weight and was actually able to lose weight with proper eating and exercise. Since May I have only lost 17 lbs, 7 of that in September. I am hoping to lose 13 lbs by Halloween...or more if possible. Thirteen at the minimum.

Next weekend I have to go home for Thanksgiving...it is going to be tough to stay on track because my mom is always baking and cooking. That is how she shows her love. Refusing food is like rejecting her so it can be a really touchy subject.

Hopefully with the support of the two other girls in my group it will be a piece of cake...not literally of course.

Have a great day and stay safe.

Fruitflies and fours hours of sleep...

My sleep has been really erratic lately. I fall asleep fine, but I wake up usually 3 hours later and can't fall back to sleep.
Being a giant dork, I went to bed at 9 last night and was inevitably up again by 12. I got up for a while and then went back to bed and fell asleep for an hour or so around 5.

My dreams lately have been super messed up. On friday I dreamed that I overdosed and when I woke up I was convinced it actually happened. Weirder things have happened. I didn't know whether I should call 911 or just go back to sleep and let what be, be.
Last night a bunch of people were brutally murdered in my dream, and then in the end it turned out to be a sick joke but I wasn't laughing.
Having dreams would be one thing but when they affect the rest of my day I start to get concerned. It's like my thoughts are filled with the morbid images and thoughts until I go to bed to dream or new disturbing images to fill my waking hours.

On top of the dreams, since Friday I have been having overwhelming urges to hurt myself. I was walking down the street and I had the urge to jump infront of a car. I was doing laundry in my basement and I wanted to throw myself down the stairs. I want to break bones, see blood, feel pain. I don't know where this is coming from. Life has been pretty stable other than sleep. I cut, but I never do any of those other things. I stayed in my house all weekend to avoid any situations where I might conveniently walk into traffic. I don't know if I would actually do it but that uncertainty is very alarming.

My story so far:

So I have had depression on and off since I was 10. At 10 I wanted to die, I hated life and I was miserable. One day a friend of mine pointed it out and I was shocked. I had no idea anyone could truly see me and what I was like. From that day forward I vowed I wouldn't be that person anymore. I would be that happy, sociable, beautiful person people want to get to know. From then on, I was definitely the happiest sad person you could ever meet.
I had some eating problems throughout those years and had major performance and social anxiety throughout highschool but I was never officially diagnosed.

Not until my third year of university (2006) did I seek therapy or see a psychiatrist. I have some trauma in my past and in the fall my friends persuaded me that it was essential for me to get over this trauma so I could live a normal life. I definitely avoided contact with the opposite sex as well as any type of relationships with them. I started seeing a counsellor, who I still see today, and that was the beginning of the end. I started cutting, a lot. In a month I had two hospital visits and six stitches and 3 staples from cutting. On my second visit I was given an ultimatum to be hospitalized on the spot or ensure my safety if I wasn't. I wasn't admitted but days later, after an incident unsuccessfully running for knives, my friends took me to the hospital and I was admitted for a 9 days. Because I was admitted I lost my job and then I spent the rest of the month trying to get it back. I did, but it really wasn't what I should have been focusing on at the time.

In February 2007, was when I began to feel suicidal and would continue to feel suicidal for two more years. I became obsessed with death and planning my demise. My suicide plan involved laying on train tracks and being run over, chopping off my head. I would walk to this spot by the train station and think and wait for trains, but none ever came.

I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts in December 2007 and May 2008. Finally in August 2008 I was sent to an inpatient facility for three months. It definitely addressed many of my issues and I learned to not hate myself anymore. I truly believe that without that experience I would not be alive today. That year since I was in the hospital I had to take a year off of university and move home. My hometown is a hole. I basically spent 10 months by myself and working.
In February 2009, while I was living at home, I was really suicidal again and something extremely bizarre happened. I went to bed one night and the next thing I know I am downing a bottle of pills and I heard someone say "It is time to do to the emergency room now, Dr. Roy said so". The next thing I remember I am skipping across the hospital parking lot in my slippers and pajamas. These memories are just fragments until much later when I am in the hospital, very confused, and trying to go home. I was admitted to the psych unit because apparently when I got there I talked to the crisis counsellor and told them I was trying to kill myself and I would do it again if I got the chance. SO FUCKED UP. They didn't believe me it wasn't a suicide attempt. When I told them I don't remember any of it they thought I was lying. That is when my suicidal thoughts stopped.
A month later the same thing happened except I was pulled over by the police on my way to the hospital. I didn't get admitted this time because I was able to tell the crisis nurse that I didn't know what happened. After this time all my medications were taken away and my mom had to give them to me daily as well as I wasn't allowed to drive anymore.

After more months of recuperating, I finally was well enough to start working and driving again. In May I got a full time job and worked all the way until September 2009 when I came back to school.

Now I am here, back at university and as stressed as ever. I see my psychiatrist once a month, my counsellor once a month and my support worker once a week. It really is a full time job trying to keep yourself well. I think so many people take it for granted that they are well and able to be well without effort.

Although I am doing much better than I have been at any point in the last three years, I am still struggling to stay well and encounter ups and downs on a daily basis.

As it stand, my diagnoses are depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder.

I plan on using this blog as an outlet and a place where I can drain my head of its thoughts no matter how disturbing or ridiculous. Time to go to class...

Have a lovely day. Stay safe.

Hello, world wide web...

This is my first blog. I decided I wanted a place where I could vent and be heard. If no one ever reads it, that is fine by me, but if someone could read it and relate, it will all be worth the effort.

I don't know how often I will write...when the mood strikes I guess. I hope to come here as a place to land when I am feeling particularily "crazy".

Any comments are appreciated.

Have a lovely day. Stay safe.