What a fuckin week....

So on Monday, I was on my way to class and I tried to jump in front of a bus. LUCKILY the bus swerved into the other lane. Wtf!

I was sufficiently freaked out after that happened, I couldn't stop shaking. I was terrified to be out of my house and walking around. I didn't trust myself to be anywhere.

Somehow I managed to make it to campus and go to a couple appointments and class. Then I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at 5:30, the first after hours appointment I have had with him at the school. I told him that I was having thoughts of self-harm and he said that I've said that before and I need to get in contact with the other members of my team. Then we went on to talk about sleep and the new medication he wanted to try me on. I was visibly shaken, apparently, cause he said I had a "dear in the headlights" kind of look. After we were finished talking about sleep I told him that "I almost jumped in front of a bus"....I just couldn't tell him the truth that I actually did. I knew if I told him I did then I would be sent to the hospital for sure, and I really didn't want to go to the hospital. He said that feelings like those are generally a good time to go to the hospital but we could try brainstorming to see what other options we could have. Unfortunately, my brain was swirling and I couldn't think straight so I had no other options to offer. So he decided it would be a good idea that I go to the hospital and be in this new mental health unit that is an up to 24hr observation unit that only holds three people and has a psychiatrist specifically assigned to it. I agreed and was asked to wait in the main lobby of the health services at our school.
While I was waiting I started to panic. I really didn't want to go. I was told that the campus police would be coming to wait with me and then the city police would take me to the hospital...I did NOT want the police to come. I asked to use the phone which was out of the view of the nurses, made a phone call to my friend and then ran for it. My friend was on the other side of campus so I went to see her and hopefully have her talk some sense into me. This friend is particularly blunt and honest and aspires to be a cardiologist one day so I knew she wasn't going to take this lightly, and she definitely didn't. I again, lied and said that I "almost" jumped, but she still thought that was really serious. So she agreed to walk to health services and stay with me. The rest of the night, if she wasn't there, I would have been gone for sure.

So we got to Health Services and let the nurse know we were back and she informed us that the police had been out looking for me. Great. So the police go there shortly after and my friend and I got to ride in the back of a cop car to the hospital.

For a Monday night the hospital ER was ridiculously busy. We had to stand when we first got there. After a while we saw the triage nurse and were moved into a hallway in between the ER waiting room and the actual ER. Luckily my friend brought her laptop so we ended up watching "The Holiday" with the cops while we waited. Eventually I was moved into the hallway in the ER where they keep people who are waiting for mental health services (psych ward, psychiatrist evaluation, etc). I've been there more than a few times so I knew the drill. We got to the ER around 6:30pm and I was finally moved to the observation unit around midnight.

Overall, the hospital stay was purposeful. I was in there from Monday night until Thursday around 4pm. I didn't get much sleep though, but at least I was safe. I lied to get out. It is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada this weekend and it is usually the only weekend I go home from school before Christmas. I was extremely nervous to be let out because I really didn't feel safe. The nurse said though, if I needed to come back than it was fine that I come back...so we'll see how I feel Monday when I go back to school.
I hadn't planned on telling any of my family that I was in there but the nurse I had on Wednesday was pretty adamant that I should involved them. I got in touch with my brother and he said that if I didn't tell my parents than he would. So in the end my mom picked me up from the hospital when I got out. Now I am at home, which is two hours south of where I go to school.

One plus from this week, I barely ate in the hospital and I lost 3lbs between Sunday and Thursday. Yay! Downside of the week, I am now really far behind in my stats class and I might have to drop one of my other courses. I had an assignment due in stats on Wednesday that I wasn't able to finish and I have a midterm next week on Wednesday. I am going to see if the Disabilities Office can help me out to get extensions on these.

So the plan for this weekend: stay in my house and not go anywhere by myself. I still don't feel safe so I am hoping this will keep me safe. And if all else fails and the urge is to strong I will just cut. At least it isn't dangerous like jumping into traffic.

Have a lovely day. Stay safe.

Fruitflies and fours hours of sleep...

My sleep has been really erratic lately. I fall asleep fine, but I wake up usually 3 hours later and can't fall back to sleep.
Being a giant dork, I went to bed at 9 last night and was inevitably up again by 12. I got up for a while and then went back to bed and fell asleep for an hour or so around 5.

My dreams lately have been super messed up. On friday I dreamed that I overdosed and when I woke up I was convinced it actually happened. Weirder things have happened. I didn't know whether I should call 911 or just go back to sleep and let what be, be.
Last night a bunch of people were brutally murdered in my dream, and then in the end it turned out to be a sick joke but I wasn't laughing.
Having dreams would be one thing but when they affect the rest of my day I start to get concerned. It's like my thoughts are filled with the morbid images and thoughts until I go to bed to dream or new disturbing images to fill my waking hours.

On top of the dreams, since Friday I have been having overwhelming urges to hurt myself. I was walking down the street and I had the urge to jump infront of a car. I was doing laundry in my basement and I wanted to throw myself down the stairs. I want to break bones, see blood, feel pain. I don't know where this is coming from. Life has been pretty stable other than sleep. I cut, but I never do any of those other things. I stayed in my house all weekend to avoid any situations where I might conveniently walk into traffic. I don't know if I would actually do it but that uncertainty is very alarming.