Bad Week: Friday......

SO friday was going a bit better. I talked to my counsellor on the phone in the afternoon and told him my plan and that i got out of the hospital thursday night. He sounded glad I was going home and would be somewhere safe and with people that make me happy.

I had an errand to run on campus before I was going to catch the train. It's about 4:15 when I get on campus and I run into this guy who asks me to take a picture of him infront of the building I am going to. The guys is asian and speaks very poor English.
He asks me if we can sit and talk and I told him I couldn't because I needed to get to this office before 4:30. He asked when I would be back and I told him "I donno, 20 mins?..." and he said "Ok I'll wait".

So I go in and run my errand, and then I leave through the other side of the building hoping that that guy would be waiting on the other side and I could avoid him. I was walking and talking on the phone and then when I hung up he was right there behind me. I told him I forgot about him (complete lie) and again he asked if we could sit and talk. I say I have to go and then finally I agree to 5 mins.

I ask him if he is a first year and he says yes, then I ask him what program he is in and he says "I don't go to school"....I'm confused. I ask him where he's from, and I meant like in the world, like Hong Kong or Japan but he answers a city by Toronto.

So he points out a spot to sit and "talk" and it happens to be a super secluded spot behind some willow trees beside the river that runs through campus. The following is truly bizarre. He keeps asking me for a penso he can write down my address, which there was no way in hell he was getting that. I didn't want to give him my phone number either so I gave him my name. And he gave me his. At one point he took my glasses off my face and made a comment about my eyes being pretty. He asked me what was in my purse. He kept saying he needed a place to stay for the night and I said I could ask my roommates if they would mind him sleeping on the couch...but that I wouldn't be there. I wasn't going to follow through on the offer, I was just trying to be nice. He turned it down anyway. Then I said I had to go and putmy hand out for a hand shake, but he went in for a hug. So I though, what the heck, just hug him and get out of here. WHen we were breaking from the hug he held me at arms length and asked if he could kiss me. I said "no I don't kiss strangers, or people I don't know" and he repeated "you know me! you know me!". Then I tried to push him away because he wasn't letting go and it was a tad of a struggle. Now I am standing in front on him, him sitting on the bench and I said in a more authoritative voice "I am leaving now". Now this is what made the whole situation just creepy.
He reaches out and cups my boobs with his hands and says something like "I like these. Can I touch again?" I said "NO" with a really disgusted face. Then somehow he had a hold of my hand with both of his hands and I was trying hard to pull my hands free and when I finally got free I got the fuck out of there. I said ok, bye. As I walked away he kept saying bye and waving....and I was freaking out. All the way home I looked behind me to make sure he wasn't following me. I called my friend as I was walking and she told me I should call the police.

SO I called the police. And 6 hours later I finally finished at the police station...now it's 11pm and I missed my train and there was no point to go home because the only way to get home would be later in the day and all my plans would be over. The police filmed our interview and I had to tell my story like 5 or 6 times. I think they wanted to make sure I wasn't a nutjob that was telling lies.

The case has been managed by the Major Case Unit. The detective I had was really nice and he said many times that "he believed me 100%"...I thought, I didn't know you wouldn't believe me. lol

Anyway, they told me they would keep me updated. Last I heard they know where he is and where he hangs out and they were going to talk to a friend of the guy. The guy tried to add me to Facebook which made me laugh. The police think he has some mental issues which may have had a hand in why he acted the way he did.

Note: a lot of the reason I was so friendly to him is because I thought he was just a student that needed some help on campus. I have been known to help first years to their classes, and confused parents. Also I blamed a lot of the awkwardness of the situation on the language barrier that was apparent on both sides.

Oh well....when I hear more I'll let you know.

Bad Week: Thursday

Sooooo....After the overdose on Wednesday I was let out of the hospital at 6:30 in the morning and finally got to bed around 7. I woke up at 1:35 and just kind of layed around. I was still pretty dopey from the meds and my thoughts were horrible. I just wanted to take more and more pills.

So I called my counsellor and he told me I was slurring my speech still and the way I was talking he said I wasn't in my right mind and I needed to go to the hospital. So WITHOUT taking any pills I went to the hospital and told them I wanted to OD again and that I was there yesterday.

I sat in the regular waiting room for over an hour before they moved me to the mental health waiting area...where I waited...and waited...and after 2.5 hrs I got up asnd asked if I could go home. Within 20 mins I was seen by a crisis counsellor and we divised a plan that I would go home on the train Friday at 7:20pm and would spend saturday in the states shopping and going to the zoo with my home friends and then spend the night with my closest cousins. Then on Sunday I would go back to my school town and move out.

yeaaaahhhhh.....That's not exactly what happened.

Bad week: Wednesday

So Wednesday I was packing to move, because I am moving on Monday to my new house that I will be sharing with roommates, once again. I was pretty much crying the whole time as I packed the kitchen stuff because I kept thinking about what my bother had said about how he can`t stand me and other people don`t like to be around me either. I felt like no one cared about me and that line just kept repeating in my head. `Nobody cares about me...nobody cares about me`. I feel like I could be screaming in the middle of a library and know one would even look up. I feel so unimportant. I just wanted to "check out" for a few days and not have to deal with life.

I called my counsellor and I talked to him for almost an hour and I cried and tried to explain why I was upset and that I wanted to take my entire bottle of clonazepam. He was really great, like he always is...but even as I hung up the phone I had a feeling it was still going to happen. He told me he would call me in the morning.

About an hour and a half later after laying in my bed and crying I took about 32 0.5mg tablets. I knew it wouldn't kill me I just thought now I can be in a daze and not care.

Then off to the hospital I went. I didn't tell anyone what I had done. I just said I was sleeping over at a friends house. I walked to uptown where I went to the grocery store and bought a cheese bun....it tasted amazing, especially since I hadn't eaten since breakfast. Then I caught a bus to the hospital, but instead of going into the emergency department I went to their Tim Hortons and bought 1/2 a dozen donuts and I ate them all, very mechanically. Bite. Chew. Swallow. Bite. Chew. Swallow. Until they were all devoured. This is when I decided to go to the emergency side of the hospital. At this point I was stumbbling a bit and really dazed and apparently slurring my speech. Apparently I continued to slur my speech for about two days after.

I went straight into the acute care section where they hooked me up to tons of heart monitor sticky things, and a finger contraption, and a blood pressure cuff, which went off about every 20 mins. The lowest I saw my blood pressure was 84/46. Usually it is a very precise 117/80. I was given charcoal to drink...disgusting. It is so difficult to get down unless you are completely out of it, and I wasn't quite there yet. It makes your teeth all black and its grainy. It tastes like what you would think slate would taste like. And maybe this is a bit tmi...but when it finally comes out the other end, it;s like you wipe your toilet paper on a black pastel.

I talk to a crisis counsellor and he told me I was swaying, which I didn't notice. Apparently I talked to a doctor too but I don't remember her.

I barely slept all night...watched the clock tick by. It didn't really bother me because I was so full of pills time went by faster.

They released me without seeing a psychiatrist at 6:35 in the morning. That was fine with me...I didn't want to stay I just need to get away for a night.

I highly don't recommend ODing to escape...or abusing other substances to escape...but I truly understand that sometimes life gets too much and there doesn't seem to be another option....hmm...

Vacation :)

On Tuesday I decided to take a vacation. I didn't go anywhere or do anything specific...I just wanted some quiet time to reflect on my old goals and dreams and see where I've been and where I am headed.

My counsellor asked me in our last session "When was your last vacation?" And I said "what do I need a vacation from? I don't do anything!" Then he said sometimes you need a vacation from the routine of your life. So here I am, 5 days into my vacation and I feel pretty good about it.

On the first day I went to this ceramics hut and painted a teapot. I will post a picture after I pick it up in a couple days. They put them in a kiln to bake, so they needed to keep it for a week. That night I wasn't doing too well and felt exhausted so I went to the hospital and asked for an increase in my moodstabilizing medication. The weeks from the end of july until last week have been very rocky moodwise.

Wednesday I spent a chunck of time browsing at Michaels (chain craft store). I bought a kit to make oragami dolls. Fuck they are hard to make. I have only made one because I didn't like it. Oh well. Then we went for Chinese for dinner and followed it up with my favourite, Bubble Tea!

On Thursday, I took some friends of my roommate to the St. Jacob's Market and took some pretty pictures of the fruit stands and the veggies. They have everything there. Then I went to Zumba in the evening and it was fun, as usual.

Friday, I went and had lunch by myself on a patio by my house. It was nice to just chill and enjoy the weather and my food. Then I went to the gym with my laptop and met a friend and we did some of ht workouts I have downloaded.

Today, I have mostly slept. I have been fee extra tired after increasing my medication. I am watching "Ballet Shoes" with Emma Watson, based on the book by Noel Streatfeild. I actually only know the book series from the movie You've Got Mail. Meg Ryan's character, defeated, is sitting in the children's section of Fox Bookstore and someone asks about the "shoe books" and she helps them out. It's ok, I was kind of hoping for more dancing and performing. It is suppose to be an uplifting story about succeeding in your endeavors when you work hard. I thought it might give me some motivation for my goals.

Tomorrow I plan on packing most of the day. Not very vacation-y...but it need to be all done by no later than Tuesday night. I am moving once again. I have moved every year at least once since 2004. I am just moving into a new house with new roommates, new location. I am excited. All utilities and internet are included, so A/C here I come!!!

Monday I am going to a friends house for dinner and star gazing afterward...I look forward to it. Then Tuesday I have Zumba, and I plan on taking the train home either Wednesday or Thursday and spending a week there until the 31st when I move.

As for tonight...I don't know what I have on the agenda...I'm feeling kind of lazy. lol I doubt I'll get a workout in...but there is still plenty of time for that.

I would like to take some time...maybe when I am on the train, to sit and reflect and decide all the things I want to do with my life. ALL the things. Things that may not even be possible but that if I could ever find a way, I would do it. I also need to plan for the fall and get my schedule worked out. I have a feeling, the plans I have been making for eating and exercise are going to land me back in outpatient ED therapy...but I feel like this time could be different.

My breast reduction appt is scheduled for mid-November....I must be 170lbs by then. Right no I am 208...ugh. That means things are going to have to be strict with very little room for leeway. Daily workouts, possibly twice a day, low calorie. Focusing one day at a time. Maybe even one meal at a time. We'll see.

Ballet Thinspo

I absolutely adore dance, especially ballet. I wish I would have been blessed with the body to be a ballerina...but alas, no such luck. I took most of these pictures from the website balletbeautiful.com. The pictures are of the creater of the site and a fitness program that will help you get a ballerina figure. They don't have any DVDs out yet but they are in the works. When they come out I am definitely buying them. I would love to build flexibility and get a long ballerina physique. I know I will never look like a ballerina, I am just too curvy for that, but that doesn`t mean I can`t strive to be just as strong and just as graceful. :)

Update

So I am feeling a bit better today about all the nonsense with the band.

I talked to the member of the band that isn`t my brother and he said he doesn`t agree with the stuff my brother said, which was a relief. He said he likes me as I am he just doesn`t think the way we write music is cohesive. He is also concerned that I might get sick again and put the band in a bad position. Understandable.

I have been thinking a bit more posivitively which is a shock to me. Usually news like this would send me into a depression...but I had a day were I cried on and off and now I feel ready to move on.

I have been thinking...there are many things that I have not pursued because I was waiting for the band to make something of itself. I have stayed in the same city, worked on music only for the band, not stuff that I do on my own. So now I am looking at it as an opportunity to explore some of my other interests.

I love the arts. I love drama, music, writing, crafts and art. I just haven`t been pursuing any of them because of the band. I think this might actually be what I need.

I am looking into taking an acting class in the fall. I also am thinking about really getting on writing a book about my experience with mental illness. I want to take guitar and voice lessons and see if I can do the music thing as a solo artist. That scares me but at the same time it makes me feel a littl empowered. I think I would find other people to work with, but it would be my band. I would steer the direction and write the music.

I am still hoping that we can take a break from one another and possibly get back together...but I am not putting all my stock into it...

Basically I want to work on myself like I have to only rely on myself. Not owkr on myself in anticiaption to be let back into the band.

We are both taking a risk in taking a break. I am risking that they will find someone else and I won`t be able to be back in the band. They are risking that in a couple months I no longer want to be with them. The latter scenario is what I am hoping for.

So maybe this isn`t as bad as I had originally saw it.

the recent devastation

So I am feeling pretty defeated right now.

I don't know if I ever stated this on that I am in a band. It is still in the really early stages. Mostly performing covers and writing songs. We have like ten songs started but none finished. All of us have been really frustrated with the situation and recently it has come to a head.

Basically I had a conversation with the two other people in the band last month, one of them being my brother. They basically said they wanted to kick me out of the band, but I convinced them to give me a trial until the end of August. Since that meeting we haven't done anything musically.

I talked to the member that isn't my brother but that is my roommate and he said he doesn't want to work with me, flat out. He said based on the way we wrote a few times he thought I was too negative. I talked to him and said I can change and I need him to tell me when he doesn't like what I am doing. He said he would be willing to still give me to the end of August to see how we worked.

I talked to my brother yesterday about what the other member said and he had a lot to say on the subject. He told me living together was a big mistake and basically now he is just annoyed with me. He said that he hates that people (probably my parents) always ask how I am doing emotionally, financially, overall, etc. I said thats not my fault. He also said he isn't the only one who finds things about me annoying. People have been coming up to him and complaining about my "behaviour" and he hates that. He didn't name any names but it is probably all the people I have lived with the last 12 months who I thought were my friends. He said they complain that I talk to loud, and talk too much about myself, and only talk about few things. I told him I am working on it, but he said too little too late. Basically he said he can't stand me. And that is just the one side. The other side of it is that they don't want to be in business with someone who is "unstable" or that has mental illness. I told him I am working on that too...but again, there are no gaurentees and too little too late.

Oh and to add salt to my wounds, he told me that I don't look like a lead singer because I am too fat and bascially I need to look a certain way and he doesn't know if I will ever get my act together enough to lose the weight. Nice...

I feel so hurt. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I am so angry at the COWARDS who have been talking behind my back and didn't have the decency to tell me to my face the things that they don't like about me. After I talked to him I had to catch the bus to go to Zumba and I cried the entire way on the bus. The workout helped but I am still upset. I am crying as I write this. It's really hard to feel good about yourself when you find out so many people don't really like you.

My friend said it's probably not as many people as I think and I have probably become the scapegoat for all the things going wrong in their lives and in the house.

I don't know...right now I feel like I am walking around without any skin. I feel upset about it all and I don't know how to rectify the situation. Basically what my brother said was that I can't rectify the situation without being a different person.

I just want to run away from this house. I feel like I never want to see these people again. Which is impossible because one of them is my brother.

On the other hand...I have been in a band of some sorts with my brother since 2005. It is upsetting for me to think it is going to end this way, especially because I have a lot less problems with them then they obviously have with me.

I wish I had the talent and the confidence to go it on my own...