I think your crazy, maybe...

So there are a lot of gaps I should probably fill in...but I don't really feel like it at this moment. Maybe in the next little while.

So it's that time of year again. Time to get the shorts and summer skirts and dresses out and I am once again panicking. I had a total freak out last night to my roommate and basically ended up saying "I know I have to eat, but I DON"T WANT TO!!" *sobbing* She replied, "Well then it's really not about the food at all then, right?" and she's so right. I really saw the connection to my body and it's limits and control last night.

I have been feeling really bad about myself for a while now, probably since mid-March. Before that I was trying to embrace my curves and be a positive role model for the girls I am in show choir with. Now show choir is over for the term and I have completely lost that drive to be a role model and I just feel aweful. I feel hopeless.

Vacation :)

On Tuesday I decided to take a vacation. I didn't go anywhere or do anything specific...I just wanted some quiet time to reflect on my old goals and dreams and see where I've been and where I am headed.

My counsellor asked me in our last session "When was your last vacation?" And I said "what do I need a vacation from? I don't do anything!" Then he said sometimes you need a vacation from the routine of your life. So here I am, 5 days into my vacation and I feel pretty good about it.

On the first day I went to this ceramics hut and painted a teapot. I will post a picture after I pick it up in a couple days. They put them in a kiln to bake, so they needed to keep it for a week. That night I wasn't doing too well and felt exhausted so I went to the hospital and asked for an increase in my moodstabilizing medication. The weeks from the end of july until last week have been very rocky moodwise.

Wednesday I spent a chunck of time browsing at Michaels (chain craft store). I bought a kit to make oragami dolls. Fuck they are hard to make. I have only made one because I didn't like it. Oh well. Then we went for Chinese for dinner and followed it up with my favourite, Bubble Tea!

On Thursday, I took some friends of my roommate to the St. Jacob's Market and took some pretty pictures of the fruit stands and the veggies. They have everything there. Then I went to Zumba in the evening and it was fun, as usual.

Friday, I went and had lunch by myself on a patio by my house. It was nice to just chill and enjoy the weather and my food. Then I went to the gym with my laptop and met a friend and we did some of ht workouts I have downloaded.

Today, I have mostly slept. I have been fee extra tired after increasing my medication. I am watching "Ballet Shoes" with Emma Watson, based on the book by Noel Streatfeild. I actually only know the book series from the movie You've Got Mail. Meg Ryan's character, defeated, is sitting in the children's section of Fox Bookstore and someone asks about the "shoe books" and she helps them out. It's ok, I was kind of hoping for more dancing and performing. It is suppose to be an uplifting story about succeeding in your endeavors when you work hard. I thought it might give me some motivation for my goals.

Tomorrow I plan on packing most of the day. Not very vacation-y...but it need to be all done by no later than Tuesday night. I am moving once again. I have moved every year at least once since 2004. I am just moving into a new house with new roommates, new location. I am excited. All utilities and internet are included, so A/C here I come!!!

Monday I am going to a friends house for dinner and star gazing afterward...I look forward to it. Then Tuesday I have Zumba, and I plan on taking the train home either Wednesday or Thursday and spending a week there until the 31st when I move.

As for tonight...I don't know what I have on the agenda...I'm feeling kind of lazy. lol I doubt I'll get a workout in...but there is still plenty of time for that.

I would like to take some time...maybe when I am on the train, to sit and reflect and decide all the things I want to do with my life. ALL the things. Things that may not even be possible but that if I could ever find a way, I would do it. I also need to plan for the fall and get my schedule worked out. I have a feeling, the plans I have been making for eating and exercise are going to land me back in outpatient ED therapy...but I feel like this time could be different.

My breast reduction appt is scheduled for mid-November....I must be 170lbs by then. Right no I am 208...ugh. That means things are going to have to be strict with very little room for leeway. Daily workouts, possibly twice a day, low calorie. Focusing one day at a time. Maybe even one meal at a time. We'll see.

my new diet

I started a new diet. It is called the 17 day diet. My aunts are on it and have all had good results so far so my one aunt bought me the book. Apparently it has been promoted by shows such as Dr. Phil and The Drs. I decided to try it because my aunts have all lost around 10 lbs in the first 17 days and my aunt's coworker lost 48 lbs!

The diet is not just 17 days, it runs in 4, 17 day cycles. Basically it is a low carb, low sodium, low sugar, high protein, high probiotic diet. I am on day 7 and I have lost SIX lbs! But I warn you it isn't an easy diet. If you don't like meat, like I don't, it can be really hard to eat enough and you feel tired all the time from the lack of calories/carbs.

The first 17 days goes like this:

You can eat as much meat as you like from: chicken, turkey, eggs (only 4 egg yolks a week), and light fish (salmon, white tuna, catfish, sole, etc).

You can eat as many veggies as you would like from the specified list of veggies. There are no potatoes, yams, sweet potatoes, corn, etc. Basically no carby veggies.

You can only have two LOW SUGAR fruits a day, and he recommends eating them before 2pm. I have been having 3-4 fruits a day and I eat mine whenever I feel like my energy is low and it hasn't hindered my progress.

You must have two probiotic servings a day. I get mine from yogurt.

You must have one fat a day, in the form of flaxseed oil or olive oil, or healthy salad dressings.

You are also suppose to get at least 17 mins of exercise a day.

I have cheated a few times and had carbs because my energy was soo low, and I have still managed to lose. I have a forbidden carb like every other day. On friday it was a pita with chicken and veggies in it. Yesterday I had an ice cream cone from DQ. I haven't gone overboard though. The one problem now is, if I go crazy and binge on a bunch of carbs I will gain all the weight back. Just knowing that I am very cautious around carbs.

At this point I am not sure what is causing me to lose the weight. Is it the lack or carbs and sugar or is it because I am consuming less than 1000 cals a day. Maybe both? Whatever it is, I look forward to when the next week and three days are over so I can move on to the next cycle where you get to incorporate a few starchy veggies and carbs, every other day. I have been having SERIOUS cravings for carbs. So if you are a carb lover, I wouldn't recommend this diet. Eventhough, if you can keep it together for 17 days, you will probably see a good loss.

I'll keep you posted on my progess!

I've decided...This summer is the summer of the BIKINI!

All of my life I have been too embarrassed to be seen in anything less than a tankini and shorts...so I have decided that this summer is going to be the summer of the bikini!
I figure I have enough time to actual meet this goal. I need to lose 42 lbs by May 20th, which is my birthday and also Victoria Day celebrations in Canada. It is a huge camping weekend and it is usually the first weekend that the pool is open. That gives me 7 months to accomplish the weight loss and also toning up so that I am not thin but giggly. If I lost two pounds a week until the new year that would be 14lbs. Then I would only have 28lbs to go. Then if I continued to lose 2 lbs a week I would lose those 28lbs by mid-April.
I think this is a reasonable goal. It even gives me about a month leeway in case things don't work out as smoothly as planned. When I was really determined in September I was losing 3lbs a week, so I think 2lbs is doable.
I am also hoping to get a breast reduction by next summer. This would be amazing because right now I wear an E cup and NO bathing suits fit my upper body. Personally I think I look vulgar, as one of my friends put it when we were trying on bikinis in a store "HELLO Pamela Anderson"...I have not tried on a triangle top bikini since.
Whoo! I am soo pumped and very proud of myself for setting realistic goals. I have a tendency toward self-destruction, but I want to be able to say I did this the healthy way...for the first time in my life. We'll see how it goes...