I think your crazy, maybe...

So there are a lot of gaps I should probably fill in...but I don't really feel like it at this moment. Maybe in the next little while.

So it's that time of year again. Time to get the shorts and summer skirts and dresses out and I am once again panicking. I had a total freak out last night to my roommate and basically ended up saying "I know I have to eat, but I DON"T WANT TO!!" *sobbing* She replied, "Well then it's really not about the food at all then, right?" and she's so right. I really saw the connection to my body and it's limits and control last night.

I have been feeling really bad about myself for a while now, probably since mid-March. Before that I was trying to embrace my curves and be a positive role model for the girls I am in show choir with. Now show choir is over for the term and I have completely lost that drive to be a role model and I just feel aweful. I feel hopeless.

ugh.....

I have offically completed the first week back to school.

SO far:
Missed 2.5 classes out of 4.
Lived through 15 hrs of auditions for my singing group
Deliberated for endless hours about auditionees
Survived one crazy bachelorette/halloween party (might post pics later)
Travelled 6.5 hours on a train, non-consecutively
Spent waaaaay too much in multiple cab fares
Broke a phone
Got a new phone....100 dollars later
Binge and purged for the first time in a very long time.
Binged. binged. binged....
Got called "obese" and "overweight" 4 times by the same doctor
Cried twice on a bus ride home
Hit a record high in weight: 218lbs

I think I might do a recap after most of my weeks....it will keep me on track.

This week...need to make it to all 4 classes, have first rehearsal, keep in touch, attend appointments, etc etc....