I have been working on my New Years resolutions and goals for 2010 and this year I have sought out extra support for making them. I have been reading tons of articles on how to set reasonable goals and how to stay motivated to achieve them.
Since many of us set New Years resolutions I thought it might be helpful to post them here for others to benefit from. Good luck this year! I will be posting my progress as it goes along and I hope to hear about yours too!
Ideas for New Years resolutions:
http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=1289
Step-by-step goal setting techniques:
http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=103
Setting attainable goals article
http://exercise.about.com/cs/exbeginners/a/beggoals.htm
Sticking to new years resolutions, or goals made around this time of year:
http://caloriecount.about.com/blog/partners/make-new-years-resolutions-stick-b362567
31 tips to staying motivated for your goals:
http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/calendar_2007-01.pdf
Top 10 strategies for success:
http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=518
Optimism and the Power of Positive Thinking:
http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_articles.asp?id=835
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thinspo for 2010
Since I haven't posted any thinspo in a while I thought I would post a few of my inspiration pictures for my 2010 weight loss and beauty goals. I really all about legs at the moment. "Fawne legs" as my friend calls them; the ones that don't touch in the middle. Enjoy.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
"It'sss Thaaat...Time of year..."
So it has been a while since I've posted. Here's the month of December in a nutshell:
- Had my choir concert and received a school credit for the course
- Wrote my stats and music finals...bombed one, aced the latter, but did really well on my overall marks
- Began Dialectical Behaviour Therapy which will continue for 5 more months
- Mood has been very stable
- Came home from school for Christmas on the 20th
- Fulfilled Christmas traditions: Christmas Eve and a million perogies at Grandma's, Christmas morning presents and steak and egg breakfast with Aunt and Uncle and then Christmas day dinner with Turkey and all the fixins at Aunt and Uncle's ( I am perma-stuffed)
- Santa was very good to me...everything I asked for I got! :)
One thing I got that is excellent is a recipe book called "Hungry Girl: 200 under 200", which is 200 recipes under 200 calories. I have looked at most of it and it was definitely a good gift to ask for. I know I will get a lot of use out of it in the new year. Now I want the first book that is all recipes by Hungry Girl.
Now I have a week until I go back to school. Have plans to get together with a few friends while I'm home and then going back to School for New Years.
Now I am reevaluating previous goals I have set and I am finalizing New Years resolutions. I am excited to get on this weight loss bandwagon and start back on the right track with school and my music writing.
How is your holidays?
- Had my choir concert and received a school credit for the course
- Wrote my stats and music finals...bombed one, aced the latter, but did really well on my overall marks
- Began Dialectical Behaviour Therapy which will continue for 5 more months
- Mood has been very stable
- Came home from school for Christmas on the 20th
- Fulfilled Christmas traditions: Christmas Eve and a million perogies at Grandma's, Christmas morning presents and steak and egg breakfast with Aunt and Uncle and then Christmas day dinner with Turkey and all the fixins at Aunt and Uncle's ( I am perma-stuffed)
- Santa was very good to me...everything I asked for I got! :)
One thing I got that is excellent is a recipe book called "Hungry Girl: 200 under 200", which is 200 recipes under 200 calories. I have looked at most of it and it was definitely a good gift to ask for. I know I will get a lot of use out of it in the new year. Now I want the first book that is all recipes by Hungry Girl.
Now I have a week until I go back to school. Have plans to get together with a few friends while I'm home and then going back to School for New Years.
Now I am reevaluating previous goals I have set and I am finalizing New Years resolutions. I am excited to get on this weight loss bandwagon and start back on the right track with school and my music writing.
How is your holidays?
Friday, November 27, 2009
"Challenges" for the new year...
Yes, I am aware it isn't even December yet, but I feel motivated to set goals at this very moment. haha
I just started on a new weight loss website called "Calorie Count" and it focuses on calorie intake versus calorie output. I think I like this better than Weight Watchers, thus Weight Watchers is no longer in the works. In the past, I tend to starve myself when I am counting calories, so I pose this as my first challenge/goal:
#1. Eat 1500 cals on days when exercised, and 1300 on days without exercise.
The calorie calculator on the site says I should be getting in around 1400 cals per day in order to lose 2 lbs a week, so those goals should be just about right. It is going to be challenging for me to not go below my recommended calories for the day so I am kind of excited to see if I can actually do this without losing my mind in the process.
#2. Go to the gym MINIMUM 3 days per week; Weight lifting - min. 2 days per week
With the exercise, I am going to do what I had planned on doing these past three months, I am going to schedule my workouts into my life like a course I am taking at school. It will just be part of my weekly routine to get to combat class every Wednesday night, for example.
#3. Eat a more balanced diet; ie. eat more protein and veggies, substitute fruit for junk.
I have found that this term I have been eating like shit. I am either eating only negative calorie foods, with no concept at all for nutritionally based meals, or I am binging on junk food and then not eating dinner because I've gone over my calories for the day. It turns out that my last blood test came back saying that my hemoglobin is low, which is a sign of anemia. This makes a lot of sense because I feel like shit all the time and I sleep constantly cause I am so tired, not to mention I never eat meat or drink milk and it hasn't been sunny for weeks, so I am not getting very much iron or vitamin D in my diet. As a partial goal,3i)becoming non-anemic would be good.
#4. Doing something that is outside of my comfort zone at least once a week.
This can be going to a spin class (which I detest because I feel I am not in good enough shape to do it), volunteering to present first in class, taking a music lesson, singing for friends, giving up my seat on the bus and having to stand, etc. Just something to stop my life from becoming complacent.
#5. Live life more authentically.
I live by this already, I just don't always put it into practice. What I mean is, doing what you say, and saying what you mean. Being fully honest to yourself and others. Obviously, you need to use your judgment, it isn't an excuse to be rude or harsh, just truthful. I think being more mindful in general would help accomplish this.
#6. Be 140lbs by my birthday on May 20th, 2010.
#7. Follow through with my goals.
I think this one is the most important. I have a tendency to make goals all the time and go hardcore for a week and then stop. I need to make these things habits. I read some where it takes 21days to form a habit. So if I can stick to my new healthy way of eating, and counting calories for 21days, then it should be easy to keep doing it. I think the first month is going to be a huge focus for me. Actually, I think what I am going to do is re-evaluate my goals and celebrate my successes at the beginning of every month, just as a new set point to stay on track. Earlier this year I managed to go to the gym almost every day, and write down every thing I ate for a month, then my depression hit and I fell off the wagon hard and took months to get back on.
#8. Do everything in my power to not let my winter depression set in (Februaryish)
This means taking my meds a prescribed, going to therapy, getting out in the sun or taking vitamin d pills, getting to the gym regularly and eating well. Also, keeping a regular sleep routine. I think I am going to take to my psychiatrist about what more I could be doing to stop it. This will be the key to keeping #1-7.
Maybe that is enough for now. Since I made these goals a month before the official start date, I think I am going to attempt to start them now. Also, I am going to put a lot of planning into it so that I don't go into it half-hazardly.
Any goals for the new year yet?
I just started on a new weight loss website called "Calorie Count" and it focuses on calorie intake versus calorie output. I think I like this better than Weight Watchers, thus Weight Watchers is no longer in the works. In the past, I tend to starve myself when I am counting calories, so I pose this as my first challenge/goal:
#1. Eat 1500 cals on days when exercised, and 1300 on days without exercise.
The calorie calculator on the site says I should be getting in around 1400 cals per day in order to lose 2 lbs a week, so those goals should be just about right. It is going to be challenging for me to not go below my recommended calories for the day so I am kind of excited to see if I can actually do this without losing my mind in the process.
#2. Go to the gym MINIMUM 3 days per week; Weight lifting - min. 2 days per week
With the exercise, I am going to do what I had planned on doing these past three months, I am going to schedule my workouts into my life like a course I am taking at school. It will just be part of my weekly routine to get to combat class every Wednesday night, for example.
#3. Eat a more balanced diet; ie. eat more protein and veggies, substitute fruit for junk.
I have found that this term I have been eating like shit. I am either eating only negative calorie foods, with no concept at all for nutritionally based meals, or I am binging on junk food and then not eating dinner because I've gone over my calories for the day. It turns out that my last blood test came back saying that my hemoglobin is low, which is a sign of anemia. This makes a lot of sense because I feel like shit all the time and I sleep constantly cause I am so tired, not to mention I never eat meat or drink milk and it hasn't been sunny for weeks, so I am not getting very much iron or vitamin D in my diet. As a partial goal,3i)becoming non-anemic would be good.
#4. Doing something that is outside of my comfort zone at least once a week.
This can be going to a spin class (which I detest because I feel I am not in good enough shape to do it), volunteering to present first in class, taking a music lesson, singing for friends, giving up my seat on the bus and having to stand, etc. Just something to stop my life from becoming complacent.
#5. Live life more authentically.
I live by this already, I just don't always put it into practice. What I mean is, doing what you say, and saying what you mean. Being fully honest to yourself and others. Obviously, you need to use your judgment, it isn't an excuse to be rude or harsh, just truthful. I think being more mindful in general would help accomplish this.
#6. Be 140lbs by my birthday on May 20th, 2010.
#7. Follow through with my goals.
I think this one is the most important. I have a tendency to make goals all the time and go hardcore for a week and then stop. I need to make these things habits. I read some where it takes 21days to form a habit. So if I can stick to my new healthy way of eating, and counting calories for 21days, then it should be easy to keep doing it. I think the first month is going to be a huge focus for me. Actually, I think what I am going to do is re-evaluate my goals and celebrate my successes at the beginning of every month, just as a new set point to stay on track. Earlier this year I managed to go to the gym almost every day, and write down every thing I ate for a month, then my depression hit and I fell off the wagon hard and took months to get back on.
#8. Do everything in my power to not let my winter depression set in (Februaryish)
This means taking my meds a prescribed, going to therapy, getting out in the sun or taking vitamin d pills, getting to the gym regularly and eating well. Also, keeping a regular sleep routine. I think I am going to take to my psychiatrist about what more I could be doing to stop it. This will be the key to keeping #1-7.
Maybe that is enough for now. Since I made these goals a month before the official start date, I think I am going to attempt to start them now. Also, I am going to put a lot of planning into it so that I don't go into it half-hazardly.
Any goals for the new year yet?
Thursday, November 26, 2009
I never thought I'd say this...
So I decided a week or so ago that I was going to try and lose weight in a healthy fashion. So far...I have gained a pound. I have not been watching, I was in the hospital, I have had cravings for chocolate constantly, and then in the last three days I have basically just been on one big binge.
This needs to stop. Weight should be going down, NOT up.
So...to assist my new healthy eating and get it going in the right direction...I can't believe I am saying this, but I am going to try weight watchers.
My friend and I go to weight watchers meetings every week on Wednesday and there are so many success stories in there. My friend started weight watchers two weeks ago and she has already lost 6.6lbs. This week alone she lost 4! I was really impressed and now I need to get on this weight loss bandwagon.
It is funny because I have been on so many diets. I was first put on a diet by my parents when I was 11. I have done the weight watchers thing before and it worked so why not give it a go again? Ya I am not going to be dropping 5lbs a week like I could if I fasted, but I will be healthy and strong while still losing 2lbs a week.
My parents are coming up this weekend and my mom is going to bring me all the weight watchers books and stuff that she has from the years she did it. SO I plan on starting on Sunday. I am not joining the actual weight watchers I am just going to be doing the points system and following the program on my own. In the meantime, I am going to do the following:
- write down everything I eat
- No junkfood. Fruit as treats.
- Eat more vegetables
- Eat more protein
- Drink lots of water
- Get my ass in the gym!
- Not getting on the scale until next wednesday (weight watchers meeting weigh in day)
Ugh, I feel like shit. Damn you binge days!
This needs to stop. Weight should be going down, NOT up.
So...to assist my new healthy eating and get it going in the right direction...I can't believe I am saying this, but I am going to try weight watchers.
My friend and I go to weight watchers meetings every week on Wednesday and there are so many success stories in there. My friend started weight watchers two weeks ago and she has already lost 6.6lbs. This week alone she lost 4! I was really impressed and now I need to get on this weight loss bandwagon.
It is funny because I have been on so many diets. I was first put on a diet by my parents when I was 11. I have done the weight watchers thing before and it worked so why not give it a go again? Ya I am not going to be dropping 5lbs a week like I could if I fasted, but I will be healthy and strong while still losing 2lbs a week.
My parents are coming up this weekend and my mom is going to bring me all the weight watchers books and stuff that she has from the years she did it. SO I plan on starting on Sunday. I am not joining the actual weight watchers I am just going to be doing the points system and following the program on my own. In the meantime, I am going to do the following:
- write down everything I eat
- No junkfood. Fruit as treats.
- Eat more vegetables
- Eat more protein
- Drink lots of water
- Get my ass in the gym!
- Not getting on the scale until next wednesday (weight watchers meeting weigh in day)
Ugh, I feel like shit. Damn you binge days!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
...all our songs will be lullabies in no time...
Since the overdose I have been feeling really confused. When I was in the hospital I was feeling happy and still in an unshakable good mood but that has changed dramatically since. I feel low...I am confused as to why the overdose even happened. I know why I did it in the moment but maybe there were underlying reasons...
I had a dream on Saturday night and in it I had taken an overdose and the reason was because I was trying to get the attention of my parents. Fucked up. That couldn't have been the reason for the actual overdose last week because I didn't even tell my parents about that and I don't plan to. I don't think I would have done it for attention because I firmly believe you ask for attention, you don't demand it through your actions.
The dream got me thinking though...I have always had this belief that once you are an adult you are no longer as important as you were when you were a child. It is like there is an expiry date on your importance. When things happen to children it is tragic, when they happen to adults it's life. I have always feared growing up and I think a lot of it had to do with feeling like I was going to soon be part of the masses, left to fend for myself with no sympathy from anyone. I don't want sympathy, I want understanding and validation. That concept lead me to think about the hospital and its role. When you are in the hospital you are suddenly important. There are people watching over you and making sure you are ok. Maybe underneath it all, I was seeking to feel worth while. I feel like I am worth less in society because I am an adult. I thought I was over these feelings of worthlessness so they have caught me by surprise.
Ugh, I miss feeling happy. Last week, prior to the hospital part, was so fun and exciting. Now I am back down to earth...maybe a little bit below the surface, either way, I am no longer on a cloud.
Currently listening to:
Artist: Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton
Album: Knives Don't Have Your Back
Song: Winning
This album is beautifully depressing. It was the soundtrack to my first breakdown and the first time I was in the psych ward. Winning has the most personal significance, but the whole album is good. If you are looking for some eery, gorgeous, sad songs, this is your ticket.
I had a dream on Saturday night and in it I had taken an overdose and the reason was because I was trying to get the attention of my parents. Fucked up. That couldn't have been the reason for the actual overdose last week because I didn't even tell my parents about that and I don't plan to. I don't think I would have done it for attention because I firmly believe you ask for attention, you don't demand it through your actions.
The dream got me thinking though...I have always had this belief that once you are an adult you are no longer as important as you were when you were a child. It is like there is an expiry date on your importance. When things happen to children it is tragic, when they happen to adults it's life. I have always feared growing up and I think a lot of it had to do with feeling like I was going to soon be part of the masses, left to fend for myself with no sympathy from anyone. I don't want sympathy, I want understanding and validation. That concept lead me to think about the hospital and its role. When you are in the hospital you are suddenly important. There are people watching over you and making sure you are ok. Maybe underneath it all, I was seeking to feel worth while. I feel like I am worth less in society because I am an adult. I thought I was over these feelings of worthlessness so they have caught me by surprise.
Ugh, I miss feeling happy. Last week, prior to the hospital part, was so fun and exciting. Now I am back down to earth...maybe a little bit below the surface, either way, I am no longer on a cloud.
Currently listening to:
Artist: Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton
Album: Knives Don't Have Your Back
Song: Winning
This album is beautifully depressing. It was the soundtrack to my first breakdown and the first time I was in the psych ward. Winning has the most personal significance, but the whole album is good. If you are looking for some eery, gorgeous, sad songs, this is your ticket.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Just when you think you are out of the woods, you reach a desert....
So my happy mood subsided and all hell broke lose.
It all started when my friend and I were talking on Wednesday night when we watch Glee together, and she said that whenever I get high like that I always "crash" afterward. This stuck like a pin in my brain. I was fixated on it...I couldn't shake it.
Thursday morning, I wake up and I don't feel as happy as I have been feeling and I feel sort of agitated. I begin to panic because I am thinking that this is it, the crash. I'll tell you what I did and why, plus the aftermath, but don't expect any logical reasoning for it.
I was filling my pill dispenser with my meds and I got to my anti-depressants which are orange, and instantly I thought that because they were the same colour as my new boots that it was a sign. It was the answer to my "crashing" problem. I was also eating yogurt and somehow I came to the conclusion that the combination of the yogurt and all my anti-depressants would stop the crash from happening and keep me happy. I took about 28 pills, 100mg each of Zoloft. Usually I take two a day.
Then I go about my day and end up calling my friend to see what she is doing and I end up telling her what I did, cause I was sort of proud for fixing the situation. She freaked and told me I had to go to the hospital asap. She couldn't take me because she had to go to work but she made me promise to go, so I did.
I've overdosed before but I don't remember any of those times because I was dissociating when it happened, so this was a very different experience from what I am used to. I got there and practically walked right in, not because it wasn't busy, but because they were afraid I would go into liver failure. I didn't have to get my stomach pumped but I did have to drink a thing of charcoal, which was horrid, and have an IV. They made me stay for observation for 24/hrs because apparently the half-life of this medication is long and it takes a while to clear the system. The charcoal absorbed all the medication pretty much, including my morning medications so by the afternoon I was going into withdrawals and felt ridiculously sick.
The Dr. told me that the amount I took was toxic and very dangerous but I was like, whatever. Apparently my blood results were fine and I didn't have any liver damage. What was the worst, everyone kept asking me why I did it and at the time I didn't really understand. I was pretty confused to have done it in the first place and because it wasn't the straight forward "I tried to kill myself" everyone had a lot of questions and I had very few answers.
Friday morning I was medically cleared to go home but I still had to talk to a psychiatrist. Coincidentally, my psychiatrist works at the hospital and happened to be the psychiatrist on call that day. So I was sent from the ER to the CDU (Clinical Decision Unit), an observation unit that holds people for up to 24 hrs instead of admitting them straight to the psych department. I was there for 4 hrs, in which time I made a "safety plan" for the next week, which my psychiatrist requested I do while I was waiting to be evaluated, and I talked to the nurse that was assigned to me. I was getting really frustrated because he was acting like I made this decision with reasoning that was logical and because I was sad and trying to kill myself...so he was saying things like "You have a choice, how is overdosing working for ya?". All I could think was, I didn't have a choice, this was the only option and I still believe that.
In the end I saw my psychiatrist and he decided that I was alright to go home. Little did he know that I lied A LOT in order to make sure I could go home. I told them that I just made a bad decision that "made sense at the time", when really I still believed that I did the right thing and I believed that I had succeeded in warding off the "crash" because I was still really happy. I wrote on my safety plan: new rule: no overdoses for any reason. period. even though I told myself that if it came down to it, I would do it again if I had to. I wasn't trying to blatantly lie, it was more I didn't know how to verbalize what I was feeling at the time. I was feeling very confused but stupidly happy.
I got out just after lunch around 1:00 and took the bus back home and napped for a few hours.
Strangest thing ever: On the way home on the bus this guy came on, only for a few stops, and he strikes up a conversation with me. He starts by complimenting my boots, which are orange and amazing, and then he begins to ask me things like "so what do you do for fun around here?"...I was so confused. I wasn't looking too hot after not showering for a few days and sleeping on curly hair, not to mention I wasn't wearing any makeup, but he asks me "so what's the best way to keep in touch?" I replied Facebook, because I didn't want to give him my number. So he pulls out a business card and gets off the bus. Soooo...I was picked up on the bus?? Bizarre...
It all started when my friend and I were talking on Wednesday night when we watch Glee together, and she said that whenever I get high like that I always "crash" afterward. This stuck like a pin in my brain. I was fixated on it...I couldn't shake it.
Thursday morning, I wake up and I don't feel as happy as I have been feeling and I feel sort of agitated. I begin to panic because I am thinking that this is it, the crash. I'll tell you what I did and why, plus the aftermath, but don't expect any logical reasoning for it.
I was filling my pill dispenser with my meds and I got to my anti-depressants which are orange, and instantly I thought that because they were the same colour as my new boots that it was a sign. It was the answer to my "crashing" problem. I was also eating yogurt and somehow I came to the conclusion that the combination of the yogurt and all my anti-depressants would stop the crash from happening and keep me happy. I took about 28 pills, 100mg each of Zoloft. Usually I take two a day.
Then I go about my day and end up calling my friend to see what she is doing and I end up telling her what I did, cause I was sort of proud for fixing the situation. She freaked and told me I had to go to the hospital asap. She couldn't take me because she had to go to work but she made me promise to go, so I did.
I've overdosed before but I don't remember any of those times because I was dissociating when it happened, so this was a very different experience from what I am used to. I got there and practically walked right in, not because it wasn't busy, but because they were afraid I would go into liver failure. I didn't have to get my stomach pumped but I did have to drink a thing of charcoal, which was horrid, and have an IV. They made me stay for observation for 24/hrs because apparently the half-life of this medication is long and it takes a while to clear the system. The charcoal absorbed all the medication pretty much, including my morning medications so by the afternoon I was going into withdrawals and felt ridiculously sick.
The Dr. told me that the amount I took was toxic and very dangerous but I was like, whatever. Apparently my blood results were fine and I didn't have any liver damage. What was the worst, everyone kept asking me why I did it and at the time I didn't really understand. I was pretty confused to have done it in the first place and because it wasn't the straight forward "I tried to kill myself" everyone had a lot of questions and I had very few answers.
Friday morning I was medically cleared to go home but I still had to talk to a psychiatrist. Coincidentally, my psychiatrist works at the hospital and happened to be the psychiatrist on call that day. So I was sent from the ER to the CDU (Clinical Decision Unit), an observation unit that holds people for up to 24 hrs instead of admitting them straight to the psych department. I was there for 4 hrs, in which time I made a "safety plan" for the next week, which my psychiatrist requested I do while I was waiting to be evaluated, and I talked to the nurse that was assigned to me. I was getting really frustrated because he was acting like I made this decision with reasoning that was logical and because I was sad and trying to kill myself...so he was saying things like "You have a choice, how is overdosing working for ya?". All I could think was, I didn't have a choice, this was the only option and I still believe that.
In the end I saw my psychiatrist and he decided that I was alright to go home. Little did he know that I lied A LOT in order to make sure I could go home. I told them that I just made a bad decision that "made sense at the time", when really I still believed that I did the right thing and I believed that I had succeeded in warding off the "crash" because I was still really happy. I wrote on my safety plan: new rule: no overdoses for any reason. period. even though I told myself that if it came down to it, I would do it again if I had to. I wasn't trying to blatantly lie, it was more I didn't know how to verbalize what I was feeling at the time. I was feeling very confused but stupidly happy.
I got out just after lunch around 1:00 and took the bus back home and napped for a few hours.
Strangest thing ever: On the way home on the bus this guy came on, only for a few stops, and he strikes up a conversation with me. He starts by complimenting my boots, which are orange and amazing, and then he begins to ask me things like "so what do you do for fun around here?"...I was so confused. I wasn't looking too hot after not showering for a few days and sleeping on curly hair, not to mention I wasn't wearing any makeup, but he asks me "so what's the best way to keep in touch?" I replied Facebook, because I didn't want to give him my number. So he pulls out a business card and gets off the bus. Soooo...I was picked up on the bus?? Bizarre...
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
She's so hiiiiiiiigh...
Lately I have been feeling elated. I feel like I am walking on a cloud. Everything is sunshine and puppies it seems. I don't have any reason to be this happy, on the contrary I spent the entire weekend working on my presentation and assignment that was due Monday and studied for two midterms that were today. I also had a headache from Friday till Monday and I was sick all last week....sooo...no reason to be this way.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and he thinks maybe I am too happy. I'm just like, "How can you be TOO happy?". Well apparently you can.
It is not that I am just happy, I am also super productive...it's like I am buzzing around with a motor attached to my backside. I just have so much energy and I want to do anything and everything. I started writing a new book, I cleaned everything in the house, I have sparked up conversations with absolute strangers just because I feel like talking. I want to call all my friends up and talk for hours.
Last week it was like something just clicked. I was content one moment and then suddenly I was soo excited I couldn't catch my breath. I tried to calm myself down but I couldn't....that's when I see being too happy as a problem.
So far I don't really see any down sides to this. I am accomplishing more in the last few days than I have been in the last few months. Happiness is WAY better than sadness, my usual emotion. And I have so many ideas...and from the reactions of people around me apparently I am more funny this way.
I am kind of sad though...because if this is some kind of bipolar episode that means it is not the real me...the real me doesn't get much done and spends a lot of the time doing nothing...plus I don't think I am as funny or quick. But maybe he's wrong and I am actually just finally out of my depression.
Only time will tell I guess.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and he thinks maybe I am too happy. I'm just like, "How can you be TOO happy?". Well apparently you can.
It is not that I am just happy, I am also super productive...it's like I am buzzing around with a motor attached to my backside. I just have so much energy and I want to do anything and everything. I started writing a new book, I cleaned everything in the house, I have sparked up conversations with absolute strangers just because I feel like talking. I want to call all my friends up and talk for hours.
Last week it was like something just clicked. I was content one moment and then suddenly I was soo excited I couldn't catch my breath. I tried to calm myself down but I couldn't....that's when I see being too happy as a problem.
So far I don't really see any down sides to this. I am accomplishing more in the last few days than I have been in the last few months. Happiness is WAY better than sadness, my usual emotion. And I have so many ideas...and from the reactions of people around me apparently I am more funny this way.
I am kind of sad though...because if this is some kind of bipolar episode that means it is not the real me...the real me doesn't get much done and spends a lot of the time doing nothing...plus I don't think I am as funny or quick. But maybe he's wrong and I am actually just finally out of my depression.
Only time will tell I guess.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Rewards ideas....
I have been trying to think of little rewards I can give myself for reaching my weight loss goals and I am having difficulty. I have been doing a lot of soul-searching through October and November and I came to the realization that I already let myself have any reward I want without earning it. So I guess it isn't even a reward it's just pure pleasure-seeking behaviour. This needs to change...
Now I am trying to take the things that I used to just let myself do and make them sacred so that they can be rewards.
I came up for a really awesome one for when I hit my ultimate goal weight. My cousin is a photographer and I was going to ask her if she would do a photo shoot on me with my new hot body and confidence. I know if I were to do it now I would be so self-conscious and definitely would NOT want to see the pictures because all my fat would be showing. I davel in a little photography myself and I do like glamour and high fashion photo shoots with my friends occasionally but I never get them done because I am the one behind the camera usually. This reward is SO motivating for me. I want to be able to have pictures to show off what I've worked so hard to achieve and also to look back on when I am older and be like "damn I was hot..and still am". Our generation is one of the first that won't say "I'm not thin like I was in highschool", etc...cause many of us weren't. I want to be able to be at least thin while I am young enough to wear daring outfits, and going out on the town with friends. I have some fierce heels that get hardly any use because I don't fit into many of my bar clothes anymore.
I guess another motivator is my current wardrobe. When I came back to school in September I only brought the clothes that currently fit me...it was quite a shock when I realized that that was only HALF of the clothing I own. I am about 10lbs away from what I weighed when I fit in those clothes...maybe not perfectly, but at least I wasn't bulging in them. So I guess that will be my reward for hitting 170...old/new clothing to wear.
I am trying to find rewards that don't require me spending any money. My aunt offered to buy me two outfits, one when I lost 10lbs and one for when I lose 20. I am currently down 18...so I am so close to the outfits. I don't want them yet though, because I know I am going to lose more weight and I don't want them not to fit. Maybe I will make that my 40 and 50lb targets.
I also bought this dress...it is frickin killer. It is black and grey horizontal stripped, large stripes, strapless, VERY formfitting and about mid-thigh length. It makes my hourglass figure look banging...but that is with a lot of sucking in and strategic posing. I figure in about 20lbs it will be perfect. I am going to make it a reward to wear it out to a club once it fits. I will have to post pics...definitely.
SO recap:
175: Girly night with movies and pedicures
170: New/old wardrobe
165: Hair cut - no hair cuts till then...yikes
160: New outfit from my aunt
155: Go out in target dress
150: New outfit from my aunt
145: Tattoo??
140: Photo shoot and bathing suit
Does anyone have any rewards that cost either very little or nothing that I could use to motivate myself??
Now I am trying to take the things that I used to just let myself do and make them sacred so that they can be rewards.
I came up for a really awesome one for when I hit my ultimate goal weight. My cousin is a photographer and I was going to ask her if she would do a photo shoot on me with my new hot body and confidence. I know if I were to do it now I would be so self-conscious and definitely would NOT want to see the pictures because all my fat would be showing. I davel in a little photography myself and I do like glamour and high fashion photo shoots with my friends occasionally but I never get them done because I am the one behind the camera usually. This reward is SO motivating for me. I want to be able to have pictures to show off what I've worked so hard to achieve and also to look back on when I am older and be like "damn I was hot..and still am". Our generation is one of the first that won't say "I'm not thin like I was in highschool", etc...cause many of us weren't. I want to be able to be at least thin while I am young enough to wear daring outfits, and going out on the town with friends. I have some fierce heels that get hardly any use because I don't fit into many of my bar clothes anymore.
I guess another motivator is my current wardrobe. When I came back to school in September I only brought the clothes that currently fit me...it was quite a shock when I realized that that was only HALF of the clothing I own. I am about 10lbs away from what I weighed when I fit in those clothes...maybe not perfectly, but at least I wasn't bulging in them. So I guess that will be my reward for hitting 170...old/new clothing to wear.
I am trying to find rewards that don't require me spending any money. My aunt offered to buy me two outfits, one when I lost 10lbs and one for when I lose 20. I am currently down 18...so I am so close to the outfits. I don't want them yet though, because I know I am going to lose more weight and I don't want them not to fit. Maybe I will make that my 40 and 50lb targets.
I also bought this dress...it is frickin killer. It is black and grey horizontal stripped, large stripes, strapless, VERY formfitting and about mid-thigh length. It makes my hourglass figure look banging...but that is with a lot of sucking in and strategic posing. I figure in about 20lbs it will be perfect. I am going to make it a reward to wear it out to a club once it fits. I will have to post pics...definitely.
SO recap:
175: Girly night with movies and pedicures
170: New/old wardrobe
165: Hair cut - no hair cuts till then...yikes
160: New outfit from my aunt
155: Go out in target dress
150: New outfit from my aunt
145: Tattoo??
140: Photo shoot and bathing suit
Does anyone have any rewards that cost either very little or nothing that I could use to motivate myself??
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I've decided...This summer is the summer of the BIKINI!
All of my life I have been too embarrassed to be seen in anything less than a tankini and shorts...so I have decided that this summer is going to be the summer of the bikini!
I figure I have enough time to actual meet this goal. I need to lose 42 lbs by May 20th, which is my birthday and also Victoria Day celebrations in Canada. It is a huge camping weekend and it is usually the first weekend that the pool is open. That gives me 7 months to accomplish the weight loss and also toning up so that I am not thin but giggly. If I lost two pounds a week until the new year that would be 14lbs. Then I would only have 28lbs to go. Then if I continued to lose 2 lbs a week I would lose those 28lbs by mid-April.
I think this is a reasonable goal. It even gives me about a month leeway in case things don't work out as smoothly as planned. When I was really determined in September I was losing 3lbs a week, so I think 2lbs is doable.
I am also hoping to get a breast reduction by next summer. This would be amazing because right now I wear an E cup and NO bathing suits fit my upper body. Personally I think I look vulgar, as one of my friends put it when we were trying on bikinis in a store "HELLO Pamela Anderson"...I have not tried on a triangle top bikini since.
Whoo! I am soo pumped and very proud of myself for setting realistic goals. I have a tendency toward self-destruction, but I want to be able to say I did this the healthy way...for the first time in my life. We'll see how it goes...
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Green plastic watering can...
Every once and a while I get hit with a memory from the last few years...the disaster that has been my life. It always stops me in my tracks and suddenly I am off in space, re-living each breath.
Today for some reason I was thinking about when I was in the hospital last month. The psychiatrist I saw in the ER I had seen a year ago in July when I had been sent, against my will, by my doctor for suicidal behaviours. That's where my mind went, back to that crazy day. That psychiatrist and I had it out, he was so combative, but then again I guess I was too. We debated existential ideas and he challenged my apathetic view of life. I remember feeling like the wind got knocked out of me. In the end, he let me go that day, to my doctor's, friends and counsellor's dismay.
When I saw him in October he was like, I have seen you before, I let you go. Sarcastically I replied, "And, I'm still alive...yaay" and he laughed. He was much nicer this time around...very different reasons I was there I guess, but I actually kinda liked him. He's a child and adolescent psychiatrist and he works with my psychiatrist at the hospital, who is also a child and adolescent psychiatrist.
Now I need to pull myself out of these thoughts and actually do something productive with my life. I have two midterms this week which I haven't started studying for so I do not have time to wander around in the past. Unfortunately these memories don't always like to listen...so I will probably be struggling to control them the rest of the day. C'est la vie...
Today for some reason I was thinking about when I was in the hospital last month. The psychiatrist I saw in the ER I had seen a year ago in July when I had been sent, against my will, by my doctor for suicidal behaviours. That's where my mind went, back to that crazy day. That psychiatrist and I had it out, he was so combative, but then again I guess I was too. We debated existential ideas and he challenged my apathetic view of life. I remember feeling like the wind got knocked out of me. In the end, he let me go that day, to my doctor's, friends and counsellor's dismay.
When I saw him in October he was like, I have seen you before, I let you go. Sarcastically I replied, "And, I'm still alive...yaay" and he laughed. He was much nicer this time around...very different reasons I was there I guess, but I actually kinda liked him. He's a child and adolescent psychiatrist and he works with my psychiatrist at the hospital, who is also a child and adolescent psychiatrist.
Now I need to pull myself out of these thoughts and actually do something productive with my life. I have two midterms this week which I haven't started studying for so I do not have time to wander around in the past. Unfortunately these memories don't always like to listen...so I will probably be struggling to control them the rest of the day. C'est la vie...
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
New Month = New Life
When I came back to school in September I was focused. I managed to lose ten pounds by Thanksgiving weekend (October 12th). Then after that it all went downhill. I let myself eat whatever I wanted at Thanksgiving dinner and that dinner is what broke the camels back as they say. Then the next weekend was Oktoberfest and I got super drunk and ended up eating THREE Oktoberfest sausages, giant buns and all, in ONE HOUR! The sad part is I don't even remember eating all of them. lol Then came Halloween and all the mini-chocolate bars I could get my hands on....Nightmare.
However, I gained back 5 after Oktoberfest and then somehow lost 1.5 between then and now. So that leaves me at 183.5 yesterday.
Over the last few weeks I have felt lost. My drive to accomplish my goals went out the window and all motivation seemed to subside. I pretty much just focused on Halloween and my party. Now that Halloween is over I feel sad and empty...but I am not going to take this lying down! No!
Plans for my new life kicked in on Sunday. Here are some of my new life rules:
For weight loss:
- <1000 cals/day
- Go to the gym daily
- INPUT = OUTPUT, exercise off whatever calories ingested that day**
- Lift weights 1-2/wk
- If a friend asks to do some kind of physical activity, if I'm available, I cannot say no
Other Rules:
- Must not leave the house in sweat pants
- Must put on makeup when going to class
- Must go to all classes
- Must make it to the library at least once a week
- NO BINGES
Goals:
- Establish 1 short term goal per week
November 1-8th: lose 3-4 pounds
- Establish 1 long term goal in four areas: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual
Physical: Lose ten+ pounds by December 1st.
Emotional: Find other ways to cope with overwhelming emotions outside of cutting
Mental: Start study for final exams after midterms are over (November 12th) - I want to see those 90's baby!
Spiritual: get in touch with nature
So these will probably all change as I see more relevant and specific goals but this is my new direction for now. I'm pumped! A friend of mine has joined me in the mission to lose weight. She does weight watchers so I am going to accompany her to those meetings (it's free as long as you don't weight in) once a week and we are going to do a separate weigh in for me at the gym. Definitely my two most important goals as I see it at the moment are the physical and mental goals.
I am just raring to go! My friend was really nervous about the weigh in today but the way I look at it, no matter how bad it is, it is only down from here. And it isn't like we are being subjected to a weigh in and we can't exercise or eat properly...we have all the power! I feel like nothing can stop me now. I have been in the gym the last three days burning a minimum or 700 cals and I am not tired so I know I can keep it up.
To my two followers :"), any goals currently??
However, I gained back 5 after Oktoberfest and then somehow lost 1.5 between then and now. So that leaves me at 183.5 yesterday.
Over the last few weeks I have felt lost. My drive to accomplish my goals went out the window and all motivation seemed to subside. I pretty much just focused on Halloween and my party. Now that Halloween is over I feel sad and empty...but I am not going to take this lying down! No!
Plans for my new life kicked in on Sunday. Here are some of my new life rules:
For weight loss:
- <1000 cals/day
- Go to the gym daily
- INPUT = OUTPUT, exercise off whatever calories ingested that day**
- Lift weights 1-2/wk
- If a friend asks to do some kind of physical activity, if I'm available, I cannot say no
Other Rules:
- Must not leave the house in sweat pants
- Must put on makeup when going to class
- Must go to all classes
- Must make it to the library at least once a week
- NO BINGES
Goals:
- Establish 1 short term goal per week
November 1-8th: lose 3-4 pounds
- Establish 1 long term goal in four areas: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual
Physical: Lose ten+ pounds by December 1st.
Emotional: Find other ways to cope with overwhelming emotions outside of cutting
Mental: Start study for final exams after midterms are over (November 12th) - I want to see those 90's baby!
Spiritual: get in touch with nature
So these will probably all change as I see more relevant and specific goals but this is my new direction for now. I'm pumped! A friend of mine has joined me in the mission to lose weight. She does weight watchers so I am going to accompany her to those meetings (it's free as long as you don't weight in) once a week and we are going to do a separate weigh in for me at the gym. Definitely my two most important goals as I see it at the moment are the physical and mental goals.
I am just raring to go! My friend was really nervous about the weigh in today but the way I look at it, no matter how bad it is, it is only down from here. And it isn't like we are being subjected to a weigh in and we can't exercise or eat properly...we have all the power! I feel like nothing can stop me now. I have been in the gym the last three days burning a minimum or 700 cals and I am not tired so I know I can keep it up.
To my two followers :"), any goals currently??
Monday, November 2, 2009
Thinspo: Nov 1st - 8th
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I used to think only the past could haunt you...
Update: Halloween was a fucking success! It was amazing. I don't think I have ever had that much fun while hosting a party or danced that hard while pretty much sober. I was sweating so bad from the dancing that the sideburns I drew on my face with marker (for Elvis) were melting down my face. I laughed soo hard when I saw them in the mirror. Unfortunately there is a lot of food left over...all deadly goodies....but luckily my roommates said they would be happy to take care of it. Problem solved.
So today I was up at 6:00 bright-eyed and bushey-tailed. It was fucked. I partied like an f-ing rockstar last night and expected to sleep in till late afternoon. Thanx again depression, you always find ways to bug me just when I begin to think you are gone.
On that note, this is really hard for me to accept, but I think my depression may be coming back. Lately I have been feeling low more often and just sad. The only thing is it doesn't feel like the depression I know. The one that warped my thoughts so severly that even my close friends didn't recognize me. I guess when I think of my depression I think of me at my worst. I don't remember getting depressed, just suddenly being severely depressed. Suicidal thoughts accompanied my depression so completely that I don't feel that I am depressed unless I have them. Also, all my senses are skewed. The world seems tinted slightly indigo and it even has a scent....I don't feel safe anywhere that most people feel safe. I feel safe when I am being self-destructive, or acting out parts of my suicide plan, like visiting the place I would do it. I used to go to thie bridge by the train station and wait for trains. Of course this is only when I am in that frame of mind, that world.
Last month a friend of mine visited me and she took the train. When I dropped her off there and left to go catch the bus I was standing on that bridge. Just looking down to where I used to go made me feel uneasy. It was the middle of the day, sunny, and you couldn't pay me to go down there. There was tons of garbage and debris and most likely a homeless person. It is funny...I never noticed those things before and I have visited that place at least a hundred times and in the middle of the night no less. How I felt safe there I will only understand when I am in that frame of mind. So knowing that it seems scary makes me feel safe today, because that means I am still somewhat sane.
Maybe I am just feeling down because of Halloween. The last few weeks have been filled with thoughts and preparations and planning for this event. Although it was awesome, now that it is done I feel empty. A one night stand with unbridaled euphoria leaves you feeling cheap and lonelier than before. I don't know what to do with myself now. I feel restless. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I want the days to pass by quickly but at the same time I want time to stand still. It is such a contradiction....I don't know what to do about it. I guess there really isn't anything that I can do about it. It is usually this feeling that I feel the urge to cut. I am trying my best to find other solutions but nothing comes close to how cutting takes away that feeling, temporarily at least. If I find an healthy solution, I will be sure to scream it at the top of my lungs...and post it on here of course.
On the plus side, I burned 700 cals on a cardio machine at the gym today. I tried to burn off those Halloween treats that I wasn't suppose to have....I will pay for them all week in the gym.
So today I was up at 6:00 bright-eyed and bushey-tailed. It was fucked. I partied like an f-ing rockstar last night and expected to sleep in till late afternoon. Thanx again depression, you always find ways to bug me just when I begin to think you are gone.
On that note, this is really hard for me to accept, but I think my depression may be coming back. Lately I have been feeling low more often and just sad. The only thing is it doesn't feel like the depression I know. The one that warped my thoughts so severly that even my close friends didn't recognize me. I guess when I think of my depression I think of me at my worst. I don't remember getting depressed, just suddenly being severely depressed. Suicidal thoughts accompanied my depression so completely that I don't feel that I am depressed unless I have them. Also, all my senses are skewed. The world seems tinted slightly indigo and it even has a scent....I don't feel safe anywhere that most people feel safe. I feel safe when I am being self-destructive, or acting out parts of my suicide plan, like visiting the place I would do it. I used to go to thie bridge by the train station and wait for trains. Of course this is only when I am in that frame of mind, that world.
Last month a friend of mine visited me and she took the train. When I dropped her off there and left to go catch the bus I was standing on that bridge. Just looking down to where I used to go made me feel uneasy. It was the middle of the day, sunny, and you couldn't pay me to go down there. There was tons of garbage and debris and most likely a homeless person. It is funny...I never noticed those things before and I have visited that place at least a hundred times and in the middle of the night no less. How I felt safe there I will only understand when I am in that frame of mind. So knowing that it seems scary makes me feel safe today, because that means I am still somewhat sane.
Maybe I am just feeling down because of Halloween. The last few weeks have been filled with thoughts and preparations and planning for this event. Although it was awesome, now that it is done I feel empty. A one night stand with unbridaled euphoria leaves you feeling cheap and lonelier than before. I don't know what to do with myself now. I feel restless. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I want the days to pass by quickly but at the same time I want time to stand still. It is such a contradiction....I don't know what to do about it. I guess there really isn't anything that I can do about it. It is usually this feeling that I feel the urge to cut. I am trying my best to find other solutions but nothing comes close to how cutting takes away that feeling, temporarily at least. If I find an healthy solution, I will be sure to scream it at the top of my lungs...and post it on here of course.
On the plus side, I burned 700 cals on a cardio machine at the gym today. I tried to burn off those Halloween treats that I wasn't suppose to have....I will pay for them all week in the gym.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Happy Halloween!!
Finally it has arrived! :D
Halloween is one of my favourite holidays. I am a huge fan of dressing up and playing a part. The more drama the better. I never half-ass Halloween. Every year I make my costume, and usually my friends costumes and we have a great time. I think I enjoy the making the costumes just as much as I enjoy wearing them. Halloween to me is just a more elaborate form of a bar night. I always wear fake eyelashes and try to wear something no one else will be wearing but I find my friends and I are the only ones that do this on random nights. Halloween is finally when I feel like everyone else has joined in our fun! Oooow I can't wait to see all the costumes.
So a week ago my friend and I decided we are going to have a Halloween pre-drink at my house before we go to the club around 10 (we are NOT waiting in lines tonight). So I live with roommates in student housing and our landlords have not kept up their end of the bargain with regards to upkeep in our townhouse. Our basement is unfinished and was suppose to be completed by the time we moved in in September. Basically it is just a bunch of exposed sheets of wood that have been nailed onto 2X4s. Some of the ceiling tiles are missing and there are wires hanging out of them....it is a mess. BUT, being creative as I am, I saw an opportunity! It is pretty creepy as it is, but we made it even creepier last night! We hadded fake cobwebs to the existing real cobwebs, and streamers, and caution tape and tons of fake blood. I have reawakened my morbid obsession with blood in the last week. I went to my friends glow-in-the-dark halloween birthday on Thursday and I was a zombie just drenched in blood. It was fabulous.
So since the basement is in the process of being finished, it has all these tools and stuff laying around, we decided to make a haunted shed theme. There is a table saw down there and I covered the blade and stuff in blood and it looks wicked. Then we have a laundry room and my roommate had an old comforter that she was going to throw out, so I covered that in blood and I have it half in and out of the washing machine. There is blood all over the floor like someone was dragged....I am in love.
On top of all the decorations I have been baking up a storm. Cupcakes, two types of squares, eyeball cookies (which are amazing), brownies, chocolate bars, gummies, gummy body parts and candy apples. Of course I won't be eating any of them...but still, it is going to look great once I get it all on the table and then add the creepy crawlers and body parts.
This is going to be an epic night.
Oh and I am going as Elvis. I originally was going to go as Betty Boop, but I just wasn't feeling confident enough to pull off that look this year. Usually I vamp it up...but I was just feeling too fat. Boo. Next year though my goal is to be a Harlem/belly dancer. Here are some photos of the costumes I want to be in the upcoming years. Wish me luck. Holiday thinspo!
Update: Since being out of the hospital, the month has been pretty stable. Not much to report. Feeling a bit more down than usual, but it comes and goes. On top of my coursework and looking for a job currently....we'll see how that goes....
Halloween is one of my favourite holidays. I am a huge fan of dressing up and playing a part. The more drama the better. I never half-ass Halloween. Every year I make my costume, and usually my friends costumes and we have a great time. I think I enjoy the making the costumes just as much as I enjoy wearing them. Halloween to me is just a more elaborate form of a bar night. I always wear fake eyelashes and try to wear something no one else will be wearing but I find my friends and I are the only ones that do this on random nights. Halloween is finally when I feel like everyone else has joined in our fun! Oooow I can't wait to see all the costumes.
So a week ago my friend and I decided we are going to have a Halloween pre-drink at my house before we go to the club around 10 (we are NOT waiting in lines tonight). So I live with roommates in student housing and our landlords have not kept up their end of the bargain with regards to upkeep in our townhouse. Our basement is unfinished and was suppose to be completed by the time we moved in in September. Basically it is just a bunch of exposed sheets of wood that have been nailed onto 2X4s. Some of the ceiling tiles are missing and there are wires hanging out of them....it is a mess. BUT, being creative as I am, I saw an opportunity! It is pretty creepy as it is, but we made it even creepier last night! We hadded fake cobwebs to the existing real cobwebs, and streamers, and caution tape and tons of fake blood. I have reawakened my morbid obsession with blood in the last week. I went to my friends glow-in-the-dark halloween birthday on Thursday and I was a zombie just drenched in blood. It was fabulous.
So since the basement is in the process of being finished, it has all these tools and stuff laying around, we decided to make a haunted shed theme. There is a table saw down there and I covered the blade and stuff in blood and it looks wicked. Then we have a laundry room and my roommate had an old comforter that she was going to throw out, so I covered that in blood and I have it half in and out of the washing machine. There is blood all over the floor like someone was dragged....I am in love.
On top of all the decorations I have been baking up a storm. Cupcakes, two types of squares, eyeball cookies (which are amazing), brownies, chocolate bars, gummies, gummy body parts and candy apples. Of course I won't be eating any of them...but still, it is going to look great once I get it all on the table and then add the creepy crawlers and body parts.
This is going to be an epic night.
Oh and I am going as Elvis. I originally was going to go as Betty Boop, but I just wasn't feeling confident enough to pull off that look this year. Usually I vamp it up...but I was just feeling too fat. Boo. Next year though my goal is to be a Harlem/belly dancer. Here are some photos of the costumes I want to be in the upcoming years. Wish me luck. Holiday thinspo!
Update: Since being out of the hospital, the month has been pretty stable. Not much to report. Feeling a bit more down than usual, but it comes and goes. On top of my coursework and looking for a job currently....we'll see how that goes....
Friday, October 9, 2009
What a fuckin week....
So on Monday, I was on my way to class and I tried to jump in front of a bus. LUCKILY the bus swerved into the other lane. Wtf!
I was sufficiently freaked out after that happened, I couldn't stop shaking. I was terrified to be out of my house and walking around. I didn't trust myself to be anywhere.
Somehow I managed to make it to campus and go to a couple appointments and class. Then I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at 5:30, the first after hours appointment I have had with him at the school. I told him that I was having thoughts of self-harm and he said that I've said that before and I need to get in contact with the other members of my team. Then we went on to talk about sleep and the new medication he wanted to try me on. I was visibly shaken, apparently, cause he said I had a "dear in the headlights" kind of look. After we were finished talking about sleep I told him that "I almost jumped in front of a bus"....I just couldn't tell him the truth that I actually did. I knew if I told him I did then I would be sent to the hospital for sure, and I really didn't want to go to the hospital. He said that feelings like those are generally a good time to go to the hospital but we could try brainstorming to see what other options we could have. Unfortunately, my brain was swirling and I couldn't think straight so I had no other options to offer. So he decided it would be a good idea that I go to the hospital and be in this new mental health unit that is an up to 24hr observation unit that only holds three people and has a psychiatrist specifically assigned to it. I agreed and was asked to wait in the main lobby of the health services at our school.
While I was waiting I started to panic. I really didn't want to go. I was told that the campus police would be coming to wait with me and then the city police would take me to the hospital...I did NOT want the police to come. I asked to use the phone which was out of the view of the nurses, made a phone call to my friend and then ran for it. My friend was on the other side of campus so I went to see her and hopefully have her talk some sense into me. This friend is particularly blunt and honest and aspires to be a cardiologist one day so I knew she wasn't going to take this lightly, and she definitely didn't. I again, lied and said that I "almost" jumped, but she still thought that was really serious. So she agreed to walk to health services and stay with me. The rest of the night, if she wasn't there, I would have been gone for sure.
So we got to Health Services and let the nurse know we were back and she informed us that the police had been out looking for me. Great. So the police go there shortly after and my friend and I got to ride in the back of a cop car to the hospital.
For a Monday night the hospital ER was ridiculously busy. We had to stand when we first got there. After a while we saw the triage nurse and were moved into a hallway in between the ER waiting room and the actual ER. Luckily my friend brought her laptop so we ended up watching "The Holiday" with the cops while we waited. Eventually I was moved into the hallway in the ER where they keep people who are waiting for mental health services (psych ward, psychiatrist evaluation, etc). I've been there more than a few times so I knew the drill. We got to the ER around 6:30pm and I was finally moved to the observation unit around midnight.
Overall, the hospital stay was purposeful. I was in there from Monday night until Thursday around 4pm. I didn't get much sleep though, but at least I was safe. I lied to get out. It is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada this weekend and it is usually the only weekend I go home from school before Christmas. I was extremely nervous to be let out because I really didn't feel safe. The nurse said though, if I needed to come back than it was fine that I come back...so we'll see how I feel Monday when I go back to school.
I hadn't planned on telling any of my family that I was in there but the nurse I had on Wednesday was pretty adamant that I should involved them. I got in touch with my brother and he said that if I didn't tell my parents than he would. So in the end my mom picked me up from the hospital when I got out. Now I am at home, which is two hours south of where I go to school.
One plus from this week, I barely ate in the hospital and I lost 3lbs between Sunday and Thursday. Yay! Downside of the week, I am now really far behind in my stats class and I might have to drop one of my other courses. I had an assignment due in stats on Wednesday that I wasn't able to finish and I have a midterm next week on Wednesday. I am going to see if the Disabilities Office can help me out to get extensions on these.
So the plan for this weekend: stay in my house and not go anywhere by myself. I still don't feel safe so I am hoping this will keep me safe. And if all else fails and the urge is to strong I will just cut. At least it isn't dangerous like jumping into traffic.
Have a lovely day. Stay safe.
I was sufficiently freaked out after that happened, I couldn't stop shaking. I was terrified to be out of my house and walking around. I didn't trust myself to be anywhere.
Somehow I managed to make it to campus and go to a couple appointments and class. Then I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at 5:30, the first after hours appointment I have had with him at the school. I told him that I was having thoughts of self-harm and he said that I've said that before and I need to get in contact with the other members of my team. Then we went on to talk about sleep and the new medication he wanted to try me on. I was visibly shaken, apparently, cause he said I had a "dear in the headlights" kind of look. After we were finished talking about sleep I told him that "I almost jumped in front of a bus"....I just couldn't tell him the truth that I actually did. I knew if I told him I did then I would be sent to the hospital for sure, and I really didn't want to go to the hospital. He said that feelings like those are generally a good time to go to the hospital but we could try brainstorming to see what other options we could have. Unfortunately, my brain was swirling and I couldn't think straight so I had no other options to offer. So he decided it would be a good idea that I go to the hospital and be in this new mental health unit that is an up to 24hr observation unit that only holds three people and has a psychiatrist specifically assigned to it. I agreed and was asked to wait in the main lobby of the health services at our school.
While I was waiting I started to panic. I really didn't want to go. I was told that the campus police would be coming to wait with me and then the city police would take me to the hospital...I did NOT want the police to come. I asked to use the phone which was out of the view of the nurses, made a phone call to my friend and then ran for it. My friend was on the other side of campus so I went to see her and hopefully have her talk some sense into me. This friend is particularly blunt and honest and aspires to be a cardiologist one day so I knew she wasn't going to take this lightly, and she definitely didn't. I again, lied and said that I "almost" jumped, but she still thought that was really serious. So she agreed to walk to health services and stay with me. The rest of the night, if she wasn't there, I would have been gone for sure.
So we got to Health Services and let the nurse know we were back and she informed us that the police had been out looking for me. Great. So the police go there shortly after and my friend and I got to ride in the back of a cop car to the hospital.
For a Monday night the hospital ER was ridiculously busy. We had to stand when we first got there. After a while we saw the triage nurse and were moved into a hallway in between the ER waiting room and the actual ER. Luckily my friend brought her laptop so we ended up watching "The Holiday" with the cops while we waited. Eventually I was moved into the hallway in the ER where they keep people who are waiting for mental health services (psych ward, psychiatrist evaluation, etc). I've been there more than a few times so I knew the drill. We got to the ER around 6:30pm and I was finally moved to the observation unit around midnight.
Overall, the hospital stay was purposeful. I was in there from Monday night until Thursday around 4pm. I didn't get much sleep though, but at least I was safe. I lied to get out. It is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada this weekend and it is usually the only weekend I go home from school before Christmas. I was extremely nervous to be let out because I really didn't feel safe. The nurse said though, if I needed to come back than it was fine that I come back...so we'll see how I feel Monday when I go back to school.
I hadn't planned on telling any of my family that I was in there but the nurse I had on Wednesday was pretty adamant that I should involved them. I got in touch with my brother and he said that if I didn't tell my parents than he would. So in the end my mom picked me up from the hospital when I got out. Now I am at home, which is two hours south of where I go to school.
One plus from this week, I barely ate in the hospital and I lost 3lbs between Sunday and Thursday. Yay! Downside of the week, I am now really far behind in my stats class and I might have to drop one of my other courses. I had an assignment due in stats on Wednesday that I wasn't able to finish and I have a midterm next week on Wednesday. I am going to see if the Disabilities Office can help me out to get extensions on these.
So the plan for this weekend: stay in my house and not go anywhere by myself. I still don't feel safe so I am hoping this will keep me safe. And if all else fails and the urge is to strong I will just cut. At least it isn't dangerous like jumping into traffic.
Have a lovely day. Stay safe.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Weight loss competition commence
I have been a member of a a website since June. Its focus is beauty, but really it is about weight loss and extreme dieting. I have posted a ton of "thinspo", thin inspiration, and am really finding it a welcoming place.
Today is the first day of a two week mini weight loss competition. We have four groups with 3 people each. Our team has decided that we are going to restrict as much as possible and get in as much exercise as we can. Some teams have chosen to include purging, laxatives, fasts, etc. I am glad my team isn't doing any of those.
So far today has been really good. I have eaten an apple, some cauliflower and a cup of soup. I am surprised I am not hungry at all. Actually quite the opposite, food is revolting at the moment. I don't know where this came from but I am definitely not complaining.
This past year has been a binge marathon. I have gained about 40 lbs in a year. I hit my highest weight ever in May and was devastated. At the time I was dieting and exercising and still gaining weight. Turns out I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome and it had gone way awry. My doctor put me on Metformin, a med usually used for diabetes, and then I stopped gaining weight and was actually able to lose weight with proper eating and exercise. Since May I have only lost 17 lbs, 7 of that in September. I am hoping to lose 13 lbs by Halloween...or more if possible. Thirteen at the minimum.
Next weekend I have to go home for Thanksgiving...it is going to be tough to stay on track because my mom is always baking and cooking. That is how she shows her love. Refusing food is like rejecting her so it can be a really touchy subject.
Hopefully with the support of the two other girls in my group it will be a piece of cake...not literally of course.
Have a great day and stay safe.
Today is the first day of a two week mini weight loss competition. We have four groups with 3 people each. Our team has decided that we are going to restrict as much as possible and get in as much exercise as we can. Some teams have chosen to include purging, laxatives, fasts, etc. I am glad my team isn't doing any of those.
So far today has been really good. I have eaten an apple, some cauliflower and a cup of soup. I am surprised I am not hungry at all. Actually quite the opposite, food is revolting at the moment. I don't know where this came from but I am definitely not complaining.
This past year has been a binge marathon. I have gained about 40 lbs in a year. I hit my highest weight ever in May and was devastated. At the time I was dieting and exercising and still gaining weight. Turns out I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome and it had gone way awry. My doctor put me on Metformin, a med usually used for diabetes, and then I stopped gaining weight and was actually able to lose weight with proper eating and exercise. Since May I have only lost 17 lbs, 7 of that in September. I am hoping to lose 13 lbs by Halloween...or more if possible. Thirteen at the minimum.
Next weekend I have to go home for Thanksgiving...it is going to be tough to stay on track because my mom is always baking and cooking. That is how she shows her love. Refusing food is like rejecting her so it can be a really touchy subject.
Hopefully with the support of the two other girls in my group it will be a piece of cake...not literally of course.
Have a great day and stay safe.
Fruitflies and fours hours of sleep...
My sleep has been really erratic lately. I fall asleep fine, but I wake up usually 3 hours later and can't fall back to sleep.
Being a giant dork, I went to bed at 9 last night and was inevitably up again by 12. I got up for a while and then went back to bed and fell asleep for an hour or so around 5.
My dreams lately have been super messed up. On friday I dreamed that I overdosed and when I woke up I was convinced it actually happened. Weirder things have happened. I didn't know whether I should call 911 or just go back to sleep and let what be, be.
Last night a bunch of people were brutally murdered in my dream, and then in the end it turned out to be a sick joke but I wasn't laughing.
Having dreams would be one thing but when they affect the rest of my day I start to get concerned. It's like my thoughts are filled with the morbid images and thoughts until I go to bed to dream or new disturbing images to fill my waking hours.
On top of the dreams, since Friday I have been having overwhelming urges to hurt myself. I was walking down the street and I had the urge to jump infront of a car. I was doing laundry in my basement and I wanted to throw myself down the stairs. I want to break bones, see blood, feel pain. I don't know where this is coming from. Life has been pretty stable other than sleep. I cut, but I never do any of those other things. I stayed in my house all weekend to avoid any situations where I might conveniently walk into traffic. I don't know if I would actually do it but that uncertainty is very alarming.
Being a giant dork, I went to bed at 9 last night and was inevitably up again by 12. I got up for a while and then went back to bed and fell asleep for an hour or so around 5.
My dreams lately have been super messed up. On friday I dreamed that I overdosed and when I woke up I was convinced it actually happened. Weirder things have happened. I didn't know whether I should call 911 or just go back to sleep and let what be, be.
Last night a bunch of people were brutally murdered in my dream, and then in the end it turned out to be a sick joke but I wasn't laughing.
Having dreams would be one thing but when they affect the rest of my day I start to get concerned. It's like my thoughts are filled with the morbid images and thoughts until I go to bed to dream or new disturbing images to fill my waking hours.
On top of the dreams, since Friday I have been having overwhelming urges to hurt myself. I was walking down the street and I had the urge to jump infront of a car. I was doing laundry in my basement and I wanted to throw myself down the stairs. I want to break bones, see blood, feel pain. I don't know where this is coming from. Life has been pretty stable other than sleep. I cut, but I never do any of those other things. I stayed in my house all weekend to avoid any situations where I might conveniently walk into traffic. I don't know if I would actually do it but that uncertainty is very alarming.
My story so far:
So I have had depression on and off since I was 10. At 10 I wanted to die, I hated life and I was miserable. One day a friend of mine pointed it out and I was shocked. I had no idea anyone could truly see me and what I was like. From that day forward I vowed I wouldn't be that person anymore. I would be that happy, sociable, beautiful person people want to get to know. From then on, I was definitely the happiest sad person you could ever meet.
I had some eating problems throughout those years and had major performance and social anxiety throughout highschool but I was never officially diagnosed.
Not until my third year of university (2006) did I seek therapy or see a psychiatrist. I have some trauma in my past and in the fall my friends persuaded me that it was essential for me to get over this trauma so I could live a normal life. I definitely avoided contact with the opposite sex as well as any type of relationships with them. I started seeing a counsellor, who I still see today, and that was the beginning of the end. I started cutting, a lot. In a month I had two hospital visits and six stitches and 3 staples from cutting. On my second visit I was given an ultimatum to be hospitalized on the spot or ensure my safety if I wasn't. I wasn't admitted but days later, after an incident unsuccessfully running for knives, my friends took me to the hospital and I was admitted for a 9 days. Because I was admitted I lost my job and then I spent the rest of the month trying to get it back. I did, but it really wasn't what I should have been focusing on at the time.
In February 2007, was when I began to feel suicidal and would continue to feel suicidal for two more years. I became obsessed with death and planning my demise. My suicide plan involved laying on train tracks and being run over, chopping off my head. I would walk to this spot by the train station and think and wait for trains, but none ever came.
I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts in December 2007 and May 2008. Finally in August 2008 I was sent to an inpatient facility for three months. It definitely addressed many of my issues and I learned to not hate myself anymore. I truly believe that without that experience I would not be alive today. That year since I was in the hospital I had to take a year off of university and move home. My hometown is a hole. I basically spent 10 months by myself and working.
In February 2009, while I was living at home, I was really suicidal again and something extremely bizarre happened. I went to bed one night and the next thing I know I am downing a bottle of pills and I heard someone say "It is time to do to the emergency room now, Dr. Roy said so". The next thing I remember I am skipping across the hospital parking lot in my slippers and pajamas. These memories are just fragments until much later when I am in the hospital, very confused, and trying to go home. I was admitted to the psych unit because apparently when I got there I talked to the crisis counsellor and told them I was trying to kill myself and I would do it again if I got the chance. SO FUCKED UP. They didn't believe me it wasn't a suicide attempt. When I told them I don't remember any of it they thought I was lying. That is when my suicidal thoughts stopped.
A month later the same thing happened except I was pulled over by the police on my way to the hospital. I didn't get admitted this time because I was able to tell the crisis nurse that I didn't know what happened. After this time all my medications were taken away and my mom had to give them to me daily as well as I wasn't allowed to drive anymore.
After more months of recuperating, I finally was well enough to start working and driving again. In May I got a full time job and worked all the way until September 2009 when I came back to school.
Now I am here, back at university and as stressed as ever. I see my psychiatrist once a month, my counsellor once a month and my support worker once a week. It really is a full time job trying to keep yourself well. I think so many people take it for granted that they are well and able to be well without effort.
Although I am doing much better than I have been at any point in the last three years, I am still struggling to stay well and encounter ups and downs on a daily basis.
As it stand, my diagnoses are depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder.
I plan on using this blog as an outlet and a place where I can drain my head of its thoughts no matter how disturbing or ridiculous. Time to go to class...
Have a lovely day. Stay safe.
I had some eating problems throughout those years and had major performance and social anxiety throughout highschool but I was never officially diagnosed.
Not until my third year of university (2006) did I seek therapy or see a psychiatrist. I have some trauma in my past and in the fall my friends persuaded me that it was essential for me to get over this trauma so I could live a normal life. I definitely avoided contact with the opposite sex as well as any type of relationships with them. I started seeing a counsellor, who I still see today, and that was the beginning of the end. I started cutting, a lot. In a month I had two hospital visits and six stitches and 3 staples from cutting. On my second visit I was given an ultimatum to be hospitalized on the spot or ensure my safety if I wasn't. I wasn't admitted but days later, after an incident unsuccessfully running for knives, my friends took me to the hospital and I was admitted for a 9 days. Because I was admitted I lost my job and then I spent the rest of the month trying to get it back. I did, but it really wasn't what I should have been focusing on at the time.
In February 2007, was when I began to feel suicidal and would continue to feel suicidal for two more years. I became obsessed with death and planning my demise. My suicide plan involved laying on train tracks and being run over, chopping off my head. I would walk to this spot by the train station and think and wait for trains, but none ever came.
I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts in December 2007 and May 2008. Finally in August 2008 I was sent to an inpatient facility for three months. It definitely addressed many of my issues and I learned to not hate myself anymore. I truly believe that without that experience I would not be alive today. That year since I was in the hospital I had to take a year off of university and move home. My hometown is a hole. I basically spent 10 months by myself and working.
In February 2009, while I was living at home, I was really suicidal again and something extremely bizarre happened. I went to bed one night and the next thing I know I am downing a bottle of pills and I heard someone say "It is time to do to the emergency room now, Dr. Roy said so". The next thing I remember I am skipping across the hospital parking lot in my slippers and pajamas. These memories are just fragments until much later when I am in the hospital, very confused, and trying to go home. I was admitted to the psych unit because apparently when I got there I talked to the crisis counsellor and told them I was trying to kill myself and I would do it again if I got the chance. SO FUCKED UP. They didn't believe me it wasn't a suicide attempt. When I told them I don't remember any of it they thought I was lying. That is when my suicidal thoughts stopped.
A month later the same thing happened except I was pulled over by the police on my way to the hospital. I didn't get admitted this time because I was able to tell the crisis nurse that I didn't know what happened. After this time all my medications were taken away and my mom had to give them to me daily as well as I wasn't allowed to drive anymore.
After more months of recuperating, I finally was well enough to start working and driving again. In May I got a full time job and worked all the way until September 2009 when I came back to school.
Now I am here, back at university and as stressed as ever. I see my psychiatrist once a month, my counsellor once a month and my support worker once a week. It really is a full time job trying to keep yourself well. I think so many people take it for granted that they are well and able to be well without effort.
Although I am doing much better than I have been at any point in the last three years, I am still struggling to stay well and encounter ups and downs on a daily basis.
As it stand, my diagnoses are depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder.
I plan on using this blog as an outlet and a place where I can drain my head of its thoughts no matter how disturbing or ridiculous. Time to go to class...
Have a lovely day. Stay safe.
Hello, world wide web...
This is my first blog. I decided I wanted a place where I could vent and be heard. If no one ever reads it, that is fine by me, but if someone could read it and relate, it will all be worth the effort.
I don't know how often I will write...when the mood strikes I guess. I hope to come here as a place to land when I am feeling particularily "crazy".
Any comments are appreciated.
Have a lovely day. Stay safe.
I don't know how often I will write...when the mood strikes I guess. I hope to come here as a place to land when I am feeling particularily "crazy".
Any comments are appreciated.
Have a lovely day. Stay safe.
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