Update: Halloween was a fucking success! It was amazing. I don't think I have ever had that much fun while hosting a party or danced that hard while pretty much sober. I was sweating so bad from the dancing that the sideburns I drew on my face with marker (for Elvis) were melting down my face. I laughed soo hard when I saw them in the mirror. Unfortunately there is a lot of food left over...all deadly goodies....but luckily my roommates said they would be happy to take care of it. Problem solved.
So today I was up at 6:00 bright-eyed and bushey-tailed. It was fucked. I partied like an f-ing rockstar last night and expected to sleep in till late afternoon. Thanx again depression, you always find ways to bug me just when I begin to think you are gone.
On that note, this is really hard for me to accept, but I think my depression may be coming back. Lately I have been feeling low more often and just sad. The only thing is it doesn't feel like the depression I know. The one that warped my thoughts so severly that even my close friends didn't recognize me. I guess when I think of my depression I think of me at my worst. I don't remember getting depressed, just suddenly being severely depressed. Suicidal thoughts accompanied my depression so completely that I don't feel that I am depressed unless I have them. Also, all my senses are skewed. The world seems tinted slightly indigo and it even has a scent....I don't feel safe anywhere that most people feel safe. I feel safe when I am being self-destructive, or acting out parts of my suicide plan, like visiting the place I would do it. I used to go to thie bridge by the train station and wait for trains. Of course this is only when I am in that frame of mind, that world.
Last month a friend of mine visited me and she took the train. When I dropped her off there and left to go catch the bus I was standing on that bridge. Just looking down to where I used to go made me feel uneasy. It was the middle of the day, sunny, and you couldn't pay me to go down there. There was tons of garbage and debris and most likely a homeless person. It is funny...I never noticed those things before and I have visited that place at least a hundred times and in the middle of the night no less. How I felt safe there I will only understand when I am in that frame of mind. So knowing that it seems scary makes me feel safe today, because that means I am still somewhat sane.
Maybe I am just feeling down because of Halloween. The last few weeks have been filled with thoughts and preparations and planning for this event. Although it was awesome, now that it is done I feel empty. A one night stand with unbridaled euphoria leaves you feeling cheap and lonelier than before. I don't know what to do with myself now. I feel restless. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I want the days to pass by quickly but at the same time I want time to stand still. It is such a contradiction....I don't know what to do about it. I guess there really isn't anything that I can do about it. It is usually this feeling that I feel the urge to cut. I am trying my best to find other solutions but nothing comes close to how cutting takes away that feeling, temporarily at least. If I find an healthy solution, I will be sure to scream it at the top of my lungs...and post it on here of course.
On the plus side, I burned 700 cals on a cardio machine at the gym today. I tried to burn off those Halloween treats that I wasn't suppose to have....I will pay for them all week in the gym.
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