My Halloween costume and makeup! With Pics!

So today I just did a makeup and cotume run through before Halloween. I have three makeup looks to do on Halloween day so I am trying them all out before hand to make sure things run smoothly.

I am going as Mother Nature! I bought the dress at a thrift store (value village heck ya!), all the stuff on the dress is from the dollar store and I just used a hot glue gun to glue them on. The head piece is made out of molding metal, which can be found at craft stores or in my case, the dollar store. I just used a hot glue gun to glue on the moss, and then the two side panels are material so that it would bend to my face. Then I just used a piece of twine to tie the hat on, no need for bobby pins of clips to secure it. Let me know what you think! I am soo excited!

I got the ideas for the makeup by looking up tutorials online. My favourite is Petrilude. Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmHLtB69bcc&feature=channel

Before the gold leaf with my own eyebrows:


WIth the gold leaf:


The Dress:

In limbo....so confused...

I have been struggling so much lately.

Back in August to mid way through September I was living it up. I felt great. Life was great! I moved into a new house for the year. All new roommates who are awesome!New school year with classes that I love. It was great beginnings.

Half way through September I ended up having a hypomanic episode where I didn't sleep for three days straight the one week adn then I didn't sleep for 5 days the following week. I couldn't go to class because I was a mess and I was exercising 4 hours a day to burn off the extra energy. This was the beginning of the derailment. During these two weeks my obsessive thoughts came back full force. I was obsessing about everything especially my appearance and food.

The following week I was sick and again missed class. Most things went back to normal except for the obsessive thoughts. They are as bas as they've ever been.

So I am obsessing about weight and eating like a maniac. I will binge for a day then not eat for two days, then eat a normal 1200cals one day and then binge for two days. I've gone back to purging...and it's been getting way worse than ever. I purge almost everyday, sometimes twice. I feel out of control.

And to add to it, I can't seem to lose weight. In the summer I ate 1200cals a day, and exercised 6days a week for 1-2hrs and only lost 3lbs in 8 weeks. I've been to my doctor, my counsellor, my psychiatrist and now a dietician and they all say I am doing everything right. Great. So basically the only explaination there is is medications causing weight gain and my polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I am already on medications for the PCOS so there is nothing more they can do.

My dietician is trying to get me to look at food like it is for nurishment and something to enjoy. So I have tried that this week and I am finding that its just causing a lot of cravings. I see her again on Monday so we'll see what she says.

But I feel so conflicted. In one ear I hear "be healthy! Nurish your body! Fuel your workouts! Forget weight loss! Be happy!" then in the other ear I hear "don't eat and purge what you do. Don't miss a day at the gym! Lose weight! Be Happy!".

I am so confused. I have a heaviness in my chest, a tension that just won't go away until I figure this out. I feel like if I could just lose weight I would feel soo much better. I KNOW I would feel better. I want this. I need this. I feel so desperate.....

Song of the day: Skinny Love - Bon Iver

Thinspo for a new life...

Thinspo for August!

August is a hot month here in Canada, so I thought I would put up some thinspo that is in line with the weather. Fuck, I would KILL to look like these women...maybe for next August...

Thinspo: May 20th 2010

Some thinspo for my 24th bday that is today!!!! Gonna be dancin' it up salsa style tonite! Good times :)

One week count down!

SO I've got a new diet plan and exercise routine. It's much different than I was doing for the last few weeks. I have been working out really hard and doing this strength training class three days a week on top of cardio. I haven't been noticing much difference in terms of strength and I think it's because I get so little protein in my diet.

I have just under two months to drop 20lbs and gain strong muscular thighs (in order to get rid of the cellulite I have accumulated). SO I need to increase my exercise and protein and keep my calories fairly low. This is what I've come up with:

Diet:
Pre-workout breakfast - half/whole orange
Post-workout Breakfast - Protein powder and milk/water
Lunch - protein powder, milk and half a banana (259 cals)
Dinner - protein powder, milk, half of banana (259cals)
Snack - any veggies, as much as I want
Totals: ~900cals

Exercise (the plan until I have a job):
Strength training class 3X wk (MWF)
Dance Aerobics class 4X wk (MTTHSAT)
Kick-boxing class 2X wk (WF)
Different Dance Aerobics (optional) on Sunday.

I am hoping this new plan will help me reach my goals. Also, lately I have been LOVING the gym. I can't get enough. I want to be there all the time! This is a little scary because I used to be obsessed with exercise to the point I would exercise upwards of 4 hrs a day in highschool. I don't think it's out of control at this point...but if I get injured I don't know if I would stop...apparently that's a sign that there is a problem. Well fingers crossed I don't get injured.

The one week countdown is for my birthday! I turn 24 on May 20th...I am still in the processing of planning what we are going to do, but I think it might be a wild nite out cause I haven't had one of those in a while. A looong while. Just need to find something to wear and decide on something for my hair and makeup. I like to go all out, and I wasn't able to celebrate last year so I am going to make up for it this year. Hells yes!

My life as a circus...

Today I was thinking about my life as a circus and who would the key players be.
This is what I got:
The ring master is my psychiatrist, cause he is the head honcho that calls all the shots and the person that all the information gets put through.
My support worker is on the trapeze, and when I am doing well I join her on them.
My dear counsellor, he has double duty. Sometimes he's the lion tamer but he also moonlights as the tight rope walker.
My parents are sometimes on the tight rope, and at one point they were definitely the ring master, but now most of the time they are in the audience with my friends.
Me...when I am not doing well...I am a clown. Not just any clown, when I am down I am one of those sad hobo clowns with their clothes all torn and carry a wilted flower. When I'm "up" I am that crazy clown that is making balloon animals just to pop them in children's faces. haha

La di da di da....

My week has been alright food wise....that is until today. Today I ate with no conscience. I prob ate 2000cals in a span of an hour....fuck. So I am not eating dinner and I am hitting the gym hard. Technically for my height and weight I can eat 2200 without gaining weight. Maintaining...not what I have in mind.

I guess my goal of 10 lbs in 10 days was a bit lofty for this past week. I have not been super busy, I have been sleeping a lot and basically hitting the gym hard. I went to the gym at 6:30 this morning to weigh myself and I am only down .5lbs since Sunday. Boo. My goal is to lose two lbs in the next three days by: eating 500 cals a day and burning 700cals at the gym a day. I worked out the math and that creates a 7000cal deficit over those days which is equivalent to a 2lb loss.

I might be a little difficult because I have an event on Saturday that is an Italian Bistro for the charity I have been volunteering at. I can't not go because I helped plan it and a couple friends are coming. There's going to be tons of pasta and cake.
I figure I will eat an apple for breakfast and burn 1000cals at the gym, that way I have 300 extra calories to play around with for the day. There will be no cake for me, but I will have to eat some of the dinner for appearances.

My goal for next week:
Eat 800 cals a day + 600+cals burned per day = 14000cal deficit or 4lb loss.

I am going to keep that up for the month of May...and if I do, that works out to 4lbs a week...and I will be 20 lbs lighter in one month.

I love figuring out this math! It makes me soo motivated to stick to my calorie limits and exercise regime.

If you are confused how I do it, this is my logic:

It takes a calorie deficit of 3500cals to lose one lb. So if you have a deficit of 500 cals a day for 7 days you will lose 1 lb.
Now to know where your deficit starts you need to find out what your basal metabolic rate(bmr) is. It can easily be found if you google it. This is how many calories you need per day for how active you are, your weight and height, and just to keep your body alive. Mine is 2200.
To find out what my deficit is for the week I need to multiply how many calories I would need at BMR(2200x7=15400)and subtract from it the number of calories I plan on eating (800x7=5600). So that would be 9800 deficit. Divide that by 3500 and that will give you the number of lbs lost (2.8lbs).
If you plan on exercising, you need to add up per day how much you burned and add that number to the deficit and then divide by 3500 to get the number of lbs lost(600x7=4200; 4200+9800=14000/3500 = 4lbs lost).
Easy as pie.

Thinspo April 27th

To inspire me for my kickboxing class tomorrow nite!

Ana, I'm back!

So I haven't blogged in a while...I orginally started this blog to document my struggles with mental illness and to keep myself accountable to losing weight.

Lately my life has been pretty stable. I haven't had many ups and downs to write about. I have also been in recovery from eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS)and terrible binge episodes.

Let me fill you in on what I haven't been blogging:

In the mental health department, I was in the hospital the last week of February till March 2nd. I was having a manic episode with severe suicidal tendencies. I had pack my bags and had this elaborate plan to go to Ottawa, which is about 6 hrs away, spend the week being reckless (drinking and having promiscuous sex) and then kill myself at the end of the week. I had this glorious idea of what death would be like and I was soo excited for the afterlife. I thought I would finally be at peace. It was fuct up. My counsellor brought me to the hospital where I took an overdose in the waiting room and then had to drink charcoal and get an IV. Then I tried to suffocate myself with a garbage bag in the ER bathroom...it was a shit show. My clothes were all taken away and I had to sleep on a stretcher in the hallway so the security gaurds could keep an eye on me. I was so messed up from the pills I took (Ativan and sleeping pills, ~60) I was crying histerically and arguing with the nurses because they wouldn't give me my medications. It was ridiculous.

Then a couple weeks later, I had anther "high" episode where I was extremely horney and ended up sending sexually provacative texts to guy friends and spending my rent on items from the stag shop. This is very out of character for me. Usually I have no sexdrive because of the medications I am on...this was very out of the blue.

Since then things have been pretty stable with some down days.

On the "recovery" side...fuck. I couldn't work out for January or February because I had a knee injury, which didn't help, but I ended up gaining FIFTEEN POUNDS in the first three months of this year. FUCK. I came within 3 lbs of my heaviest weight ever of 200 lbs. I was fine wearing sweatpants and hoodies...but now that the warm weather has been around I am fretting. I have nothing to wear because nothign fits. Fuck. The "healthy way" to lose weight is obviously NOT working...sooo that leaves me one option. I have decided I am going to give way to old habits. It's been surprisingly easy this week to eat less and less. I am aiming to eat less than 1000 cals a day and burning a minimum of 600cals a day at the gym. I have cut out all junk, and I primarily eat veggies. I have managed to stay around 500-700cals every day and still have energy. I am hoping this shock to the system will help me drop 5lbs this week. When I weighed in on Wednesday I was 192. Fuck.

I feel a bit alone in this. I generally talk to my friends about everything going on in my life. I hate lying and keeping secrets from them...but I want this to work...I NEED this to work. So I decided, when I need to talk about it...I will talk on here. At least it won't eat me up inside.

Challenge...since I just started, and my really close friend just left to Maui today for ten days, I thought of a little competition for myself:

TEN LBS IN TEN DAYS

This is going to sound aweful, but I saw my counsellor on Monday and I will see him again in one month and I want him to be shocked by how much weight I have lost. I want him to be concerned. He can't stop me. I feel like I am in control and I feel a bit powerful. It's a really strange feeling to have...I don't fully understand it.

Well, from here on out I will be checking in often, at least weekly when I weigh in. My weigh ins, right now, are on Wednesdays. This might change when I get a job for the summer.

I feel so empowered right now. I know that this way works for me and right now I don't even know why I have been fighting it...and I am soo looking forward to stepping on the scale next week and FINALLY being down.

Fuck what everyone else says is healthy. I am doing what works.

"I want a perfect body...I want a perfect soul"...gotta love radiohead :)

Dating just isn't my thing...

This evening I went on a "date" with this guy that I met on the bus back in November.

When I met him, he was the chatty one, asking me "what I did for fun around here" and "how can we keep in touch". SO I went with the flow and added him on Facebook. We corresponded minimally over Facebook until Christmas when he asked if he could have my number so he could call me. We talked very briefly on the phone and that was that until last weekend.

On Sunday night he left me this message saying that he hadn't talked me to in a while and now he is "depressed" and that I shoudl give him a call to "bolster his ego". I have to admit, I thought it was a little cheeky and I was intrigued. So I called him back a couple days later and we chatted and I asked him if he wanted to go for coffee this weekend, which we had talked about doing in a vague way over the holiday, and he said sure.

So today comes along and I meet him at Starbucks. We both paid for our own drinks; after what happens I am so glad I didn't offer to pay. We are chatting, talking about school and music and philosophical ideals and then casually, after about a half an hour he drops that "his girlfriend and him talk about that a lot". I was stunned but played it off cool. After we were done talking about that subject I said, "can I ask you a question? What does your girlfriend think of you going on coffee outings with random girls?". His response was something like she isn't very possessive and that they have been together FOR A WHILE and trust eachother.

From that point on I was just like "get me out of here". My heart sank a bit, because I rarely go on "dates" and I did my makeup and dressed up a bit and was having a really good hair day. I felt really embarrassed and like a fool for thinking it was a date, but I didn't let him know this. Luckily, I was going to the movies for a girls night at 6 so I had an excuse to get out of there fairly quickly.

The thing that bothers me the most...I would have never asked him if he wanted to go for coffee if I knew he had a girlfriend. I assumed he didn't have a girlfriend because on Facebook his relationship status says "single". I don't even have my relationship status showing, and if you are in a relationship and don't want to publicize it on Facebook, I would just set my status to not showing.

Well although I am a little embarrassed, on the bright side, even if he was single I wouldn't have been interested. One of the sexiest and most attractive things to me is intelligence and frankly, he just wasn't smart enough for me. I was talking circles around him and he just wasn't keeping up. Also, he made some douchey remarks about how he and his girlfriend have fake dating site profiles and like to lead people on for a joke. Definitely not cool.

Well, in the end I sent him a Facebook message, short and sweet saying:

I had a nice time today but I left feeling a bit confused. I was shocked to find out that you had a girlfriend, cause to be honest I would have never asked you to coffee if I knew you had one. You might want to think of changing your Facebook relationship status to stop this assumption from happening to others in the future.
Cheers.

Pretty formal, but I didn't want to come off emotional or crazy and I really felt like I needed to be forward and honest about how I felt, especially since I made it a point to bring up the fact that I am a very honest person before he dropped the bomb.

Anyway, I had a date last week with a guy I have been seeing off and on for two years and that was fun and definitely up to my standards. Unfortunately he lives out of town...well I guess not unfortunately cause I am really not looking for a relationship right now anyway.

But alas...dating just isn't my thing...

Something's gotta change....

So this month has flown by. I have been super busy with school and appointments I haven't been taking much time to focus on my goals.

I had big plans for this month but they were foiled by outside influences and myself.

Firstly, I haven't been able to exercise because I have been having knee pain and my doctor diagnosed me with Patellofemoral Syndrome and now I am doing physiotherapy once a week. Boo.
Also, I have been prescribe massage therapy to help with this intense headaches I've been getting almost everyday. It has already cut down how many I have been getting so I am pretty happy about that. But alas, another appointment to go to every week.
I also got orthotics because apparently my feet "move around too much". lol

Secondly, I take full responsibility for my failure in the diet department. I started out great. I was abstinent from the list of foods I devised that are off limits, and I only had a couple small binges. After that it's been sporadic. Some days I am abstinent and binge-free, some days one of them, some days none of them. This past week I have been eating chocolate like it's my job. As much chocolate as I can get my hands on! It's sickening...yesterday I was having full on conversations with my stomach because it was talking for about 4 hours from all the crap I ate that day.
THIS HAS GOT TO STOP.
Time to reevaluate and recommit. Tomorrow, yes tomorrow I WILL succeed. I WILL eat only what I have said I am going to eat in my food journal on caloriecount.com. I WILL NOT break my abstinence and WILL remain binge-free. I CAN do this. I WILL do this.
....The only problem is I said I was going to get back on track yesterday, and then when that failed, I said I am going to get back on track today...so my hope is dwindling....BUT I am desperate...I have to do something. I have only lost 2lbs in the last 4 weeks...and after the last four days I am sure that has change to gained 2 lbs...ugh.

I think what set me off is I had a really good week the first week and I only lost 2lbs. I am not used to losing so little in a week. My old ways of severe calorie restriction and excessive exercising would have seen at least 5 or 6 lbs...I was so disappointed I gave up a little. I felt like it wasn't worth it. In reality, if I would have stuck to 2lbs a week I would have been down 6 lbs by now instead of 2... It is a change I am going to have to get used to. The old ways are calling to me, but I haven't yet given up on trying to have a healthy mind and body. This is how I feel today...

Great Thinspo Blog

I stumbled upon this blog while looking for thinspo (thin + inspiration) and I am hooked on it!

http://picsandmodels.blogspot.com/

Oh the left hand side there is a box that you can scroll through hundreds of models in alphabetical order. I have spent at least 5 hours going through the different models in order and I am only at "H" names.

Hope you find these pics inspiring.

Butt Thinspo

I have wanted to post Butt thinspo for a while. I decided this year that my main focus is going to be on my lower body, particularily my ass. I want a big, round, firm booty i.e. Marisa Miller's booty (the first picture). Hope this inspires you to get lunging and squatting!

First post of 2010..let's make it good!

Happy New Year!

I love New Year's! People are all a twitter with new goals and aspirations, the gym is full of new eager exercisers, and the motivation is contagious. Many will falter by February, but I won't...I will be on that elliptical - proud - I have lasted beyond the average. Fuck ya. There's one goal for 2010. I have MANY, many...many.

Usually I am with those that falter but this year I have done things very differently. I have set myself up so that the earth would have to crash down around me in order for me to fail.

To stick to exercise: I have two exercise buddies that are committed to the gym too. I also have a calender that is posted on the wall in front of my computer and every day that I exercise I write down what I did and I get a star :)...I have done this before and it is soo motivating to look up and see an entire month full of stars when the month is up. You feel very accomplished and you have the results to show for it!

To stick to diet/lifestyle change: I am planning my meals the day ahead every night. I am also counting calories by putting them into this awesome website I found - www.caloriecount.com - it does all the work for you, you just have to find the foods. Plus there are great forums and articles to keep you motivated. Also I am going to blog everyday/week my calorie intake, my exercise, how many days I've been abstinent and binge free. I feel this will help me stay accountable. I have also started going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings and I feel very supported through the people I have met.

Sticking to my goals overall: Every month I am going to sit down and reevaluate what my goals are, how they have been going, if there needs to be any adjusting (could do more, need to do less) and if I want to change them. I have also set up rewards for when I reach my goals (that don't involve food rewards). I am also doing my body measurements once a month to notice achievements that can't be seen in pounds on the scale. I have set up overall goals, concrete plans and long-term goals so that I stay motivated. I have gone on a thinspo hunt and have found tons of new pictures that make me want to start running and never stop.

This year I will ace my courses, get the banging body that I have always wanted, and be more productive than ever! I welcome you 2010 with open arms...Be good to me!