In limbo....so confused...

I have been struggling so much lately.

Back in August to mid way through September I was living it up. I felt great. Life was great! I moved into a new house for the year. All new roommates who are awesome!New school year with classes that I love. It was great beginnings.

Half way through September I ended up having a hypomanic episode where I didn't sleep for three days straight the one week adn then I didn't sleep for 5 days the following week. I couldn't go to class because I was a mess and I was exercising 4 hours a day to burn off the extra energy. This was the beginning of the derailment. During these two weeks my obsessive thoughts came back full force. I was obsessing about everything especially my appearance and food.

The following week I was sick and again missed class. Most things went back to normal except for the obsessive thoughts. They are as bas as they've ever been.

So I am obsessing about weight and eating like a maniac. I will binge for a day then not eat for two days, then eat a normal 1200cals one day and then binge for two days. I've gone back to purging...and it's been getting way worse than ever. I purge almost everyday, sometimes twice. I feel out of control.

And to add to it, I can't seem to lose weight. In the summer I ate 1200cals a day, and exercised 6days a week for 1-2hrs and only lost 3lbs in 8 weeks. I've been to my doctor, my counsellor, my psychiatrist and now a dietician and they all say I am doing everything right. Great. So basically the only explaination there is is medications causing weight gain and my polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I am already on medications for the PCOS so there is nothing more they can do.

My dietician is trying to get me to look at food like it is for nurishment and something to enjoy. So I have tried that this week and I am finding that its just causing a lot of cravings. I see her again on Monday so we'll see what she says.

But I feel so conflicted. In one ear I hear "be healthy! Nurish your body! Fuel your workouts! Forget weight loss! Be happy!" then in the other ear I hear "don't eat and purge what you do. Don't miss a day at the gym! Lose weight! Be Happy!".

I am so confused. I have a heaviness in my chest, a tension that just won't go away until I figure this out. I feel like if I could just lose weight I would feel soo much better. I KNOW I would feel better. I want this. I need this. I feel so desperate.....

Song of the day: Skinny Love - Bon Iver