Yes, I am aware it isn't even December yet, but I feel motivated to set goals at this very moment. haha
I just started on a new weight loss website called "Calorie Count" and it focuses on calorie intake versus calorie output. I think I like this better than Weight Watchers, thus Weight Watchers is no longer in the works. In the past, I tend to starve myself when I am counting calories, so I pose this as my first challenge/goal:
#1. Eat 1500 cals on days when exercised, and 1300 on days without exercise.
The calorie calculator on the site says I should be getting in around 1400 cals per day in order to lose 2 lbs a week, so those goals should be just about right. It is going to be challenging for me to not go below my recommended calories for the day so I am kind of excited to see if I can actually do this without losing my mind in the process.
#2. Go to the gym MINIMUM 3 days per week; Weight lifting - min. 2 days per week
With the exercise, I am going to do what I had planned on doing these past three months, I am going to schedule my workouts into my life like a course I am taking at school. It will just be part of my weekly routine to get to combat class every Wednesday night, for example.
#3. Eat a more balanced diet; ie. eat more protein and veggies, substitute fruit for junk.
I have found that this term I have been eating like shit. I am either eating only negative calorie foods, with no concept at all for nutritionally based meals, or I am binging on junk food and then not eating dinner because I've gone over my calories for the day. It turns out that my last blood test came back saying that my hemoglobin is low, which is a sign of anemia. This makes a lot of sense because I feel like shit all the time and I sleep constantly cause I am so tired, not to mention I never eat meat or drink milk and it hasn't been sunny for weeks, so I am not getting very much iron or vitamin D in my diet. As a partial goal,3i)becoming non-anemic would be good.
#4. Doing something that is outside of my comfort zone at least once a week.
This can be going to a spin class (which I detest because I feel I am not in good enough shape to do it), volunteering to present first in class, taking a music lesson, singing for friends, giving up my seat on the bus and having to stand, etc. Just something to stop my life from becoming complacent.
#5. Live life more authentically.
I live by this already, I just don't always put it into practice. What I mean is, doing what you say, and saying what you mean. Being fully honest to yourself and others. Obviously, you need to use your judgment, it isn't an excuse to be rude or harsh, just truthful. I think being more mindful in general would help accomplish this.
#6. Be 140lbs by my birthday on May 20th, 2010.
#7. Follow through with my goals.
I think this one is the most important. I have a tendency to make goals all the time and go hardcore for a week and then stop. I need to make these things habits. I read some where it takes 21days to form a habit. So if I can stick to my new healthy way of eating, and counting calories for 21days, then it should be easy to keep doing it. I think the first month is going to be a huge focus for me. Actually, I think what I am going to do is re-evaluate my goals and celebrate my successes at the beginning of every month, just as a new set point to stay on track. Earlier this year I managed to go to the gym almost every day, and write down every thing I ate for a month, then my depression hit and I fell off the wagon hard and took months to get back on.
#8. Do everything in my power to not let my winter depression set in (Februaryish)
This means taking my meds a prescribed, going to therapy, getting out in the sun or taking vitamin d pills, getting to the gym regularly and eating well. Also, keeping a regular sleep routine. I think I am going to take to my psychiatrist about what more I could be doing to stop it. This will be the key to keeping #1-7.
Maybe that is enough for now. Since I made these goals a month before the official start date, I think I am going to attempt to start them now. Also, I am going to put a lot of planning into it so that I don't go into it half-hazardly.
Any goals for the new year yet?
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
I never thought I'd say this...
So I decided a week or so ago that I was going to try and lose weight in a healthy fashion. So far...I have gained a pound. I have not been watching, I was in the hospital, I have had cravings for chocolate constantly, and then in the last three days I have basically just been on one big binge.
This needs to stop. Weight should be going down, NOT up.
So...to assist my new healthy eating and get it going in the right direction...I can't believe I am saying this, but I am going to try weight watchers.
My friend and I go to weight watchers meetings every week on Wednesday and there are so many success stories in there. My friend started weight watchers two weeks ago and she has already lost 6.6lbs. This week alone she lost 4! I was really impressed and now I need to get on this weight loss bandwagon.
It is funny because I have been on so many diets. I was first put on a diet by my parents when I was 11. I have done the weight watchers thing before and it worked so why not give it a go again? Ya I am not going to be dropping 5lbs a week like I could if I fasted, but I will be healthy and strong while still losing 2lbs a week.
My parents are coming up this weekend and my mom is going to bring me all the weight watchers books and stuff that she has from the years she did it. SO I plan on starting on Sunday. I am not joining the actual weight watchers I am just going to be doing the points system and following the program on my own. In the meantime, I am going to do the following:
- write down everything I eat
- No junkfood. Fruit as treats.
- Eat more vegetables
- Eat more protein
- Drink lots of water
- Get my ass in the gym!
- Not getting on the scale until next wednesday (weight watchers meeting weigh in day)
Ugh, I feel like shit. Damn you binge days!
This needs to stop. Weight should be going down, NOT up.
So...to assist my new healthy eating and get it going in the right direction...I can't believe I am saying this, but I am going to try weight watchers.
My friend and I go to weight watchers meetings every week on Wednesday and there are so many success stories in there. My friend started weight watchers two weeks ago and she has already lost 6.6lbs. This week alone she lost 4! I was really impressed and now I need to get on this weight loss bandwagon.
It is funny because I have been on so many diets. I was first put on a diet by my parents when I was 11. I have done the weight watchers thing before and it worked so why not give it a go again? Ya I am not going to be dropping 5lbs a week like I could if I fasted, but I will be healthy and strong while still losing 2lbs a week.
My parents are coming up this weekend and my mom is going to bring me all the weight watchers books and stuff that she has from the years she did it. SO I plan on starting on Sunday. I am not joining the actual weight watchers I am just going to be doing the points system and following the program on my own. In the meantime, I am going to do the following:
- write down everything I eat
- No junkfood. Fruit as treats.
- Eat more vegetables
- Eat more protein
- Drink lots of water
- Get my ass in the gym!
- Not getting on the scale until next wednesday (weight watchers meeting weigh in day)
Ugh, I feel like shit. Damn you binge days!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
...all our songs will be lullabies in no time...
Since the overdose I have been feeling really confused. When I was in the hospital I was feeling happy and still in an unshakable good mood but that has changed dramatically since. I feel low...I am confused as to why the overdose even happened. I know why I did it in the moment but maybe there were underlying reasons...
I had a dream on Saturday night and in it I had taken an overdose and the reason was because I was trying to get the attention of my parents. Fucked up. That couldn't have been the reason for the actual overdose last week because I didn't even tell my parents about that and I don't plan to. I don't think I would have done it for attention because I firmly believe you ask for attention, you don't demand it through your actions.
The dream got me thinking though...I have always had this belief that once you are an adult you are no longer as important as you were when you were a child. It is like there is an expiry date on your importance. When things happen to children it is tragic, when they happen to adults it's life. I have always feared growing up and I think a lot of it had to do with feeling like I was going to soon be part of the masses, left to fend for myself with no sympathy from anyone. I don't want sympathy, I want understanding and validation. That concept lead me to think about the hospital and its role. When you are in the hospital you are suddenly important. There are people watching over you and making sure you are ok. Maybe underneath it all, I was seeking to feel worth while. I feel like I am worth less in society because I am an adult. I thought I was over these feelings of worthlessness so they have caught me by surprise.
Ugh, I miss feeling happy. Last week, prior to the hospital part, was so fun and exciting. Now I am back down to earth...maybe a little bit below the surface, either way, I am no longer on a cloud.
Currently listening to:
Artist: Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton
Album: Knives Don't Have Your Back
Song: Winning
This album is beautifully depressing. It was the soundtrack to my first breakdown and the first time I was in the psych ward. Winning has the most personal significance, but the whole album is good. If you are looking for some eery, gorgeous, sad songs, this is your ticket.
I had a dream on Saturday night and in it I had taken an overdose and the reason was because I was trying to get the attention of my parents. Fucked up. That couldn't have been the reason for the actual overdose last week because I didn't even tell my parents about that and I don't plan to. I don't think I would have done it for attention because I firmly believe you ask for attention, you don't demand it through your actions.
The dream got me thinking though...I have always had this belief that once you are an adult you are no longer as important as you were when you were a child. It is like there is an expiry date on your importance. When things happen to children it is tragic, when they happen to adults it's life. I have always feared growing up and I think a lot of it had to do with feeling like I was going to soon be part of the masses, left to fend for myself with no sympathy from anyone. I don't want sympathy, I want understanding and validation. That concept lead me to think about the hospital and its role. When you are in the hospital you are suddenly important. There are people watching over you and making sure you are ok. Maybe underneath it all, I was seeking to feel worth while. I feel like I am worth less in society because I am an adult. I thought I was over these feelings of worthlessness so they have caught me by surprise.
Ugh, I miss feeling happy. Last week, prior to the hospital part, was so fun and exciting. Now I am back down to earth...maybe a little bit below the surface, either way, I am no longer on a cloud.
Currently listening to:
Artist: Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton
Album: Knives Don't Have Your Back
Song: Winning
This album is beautifully depressing. It was the soundtrack to my first breakdown and the first time I was in the psych ward. Winning has the most personal significance, but the whole album is good. If you are looking for some eery, gorgeous, sad songs, this is your ticket.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Just when you think you are out of the woods, you reach a desert....
So my happy mood subsided and all hell broke lose.
It all started when my friend and I were talking on Wednesday night when we watch Glee together, and she said that whenever I get high like that I always "crash" afterward. This stuck like a pin in my brain. I was fixated on it...I couldn't shake it.
Thursday morning, I wake up and I don't feel as happy as I have been feeling and I feel sort of agitated. I begin to panic because I am thinking that this is it, the crash. I'll tell you what I did and why, plus the aftermath, but don't expect any logical reasoning for it.
I was filling my pill dispenser with my meds and I got to my anti-depressants which are orange, and instantly I thought that because they were the same colour as my new boots that it was a sign. It was the answer to my "crashing" problem. I was also eating yogurt and somehow I came to the conclusion that the combination of the yogurt and all my anti-depressants would stop the crash from happening and keep me happy. I took about 28 pills, 100mg each of Zoloft. Usually I take two a day.
Then I go about my day and end up calling my friend to see what she is doing and I end up telling her what I did, cause I was sort of proud for fixing the situation. She freaked and told me I had to go to the hospital asap. She couldn't take me because she had to go to work but she made me promise to go, so I did.
I've overdosed before but I don't remember any of those times because I was dissociating when it happened, so this was a very different experience from what I am used to. I got there and practically walked right in, not because it wasn't busy, but because they were afraid I would go into liver failure. I didn't have to get my stomach pumped but I did have to drink a thing of charcoal, which was horrid, and have an IV. They made me stay for observation for 24/hrs because apparently the half-life of this medication is long and it takes a while to clear the system. The charcoal absorbed all the medication pretty much, including my morning medications so by the afternoon I was going into withdrawals and felt ridiculously sick.
The Dr. told me that the amount I took was toxic and very dangerous but I was like, whatever. Apparently my blood results were fine and I didn't have any liver damage. What was the worst, everyone kept asking me why I did it and at the time I didn't really understand. I was pretty confused to have done it in the first place and because it wasn't the straight forward "I tried to kill myself" everyone had a lot of questions and I had very few answers.
Friday morning I was medically cleared to go home but I still had to talk to a psychiatrist. Coincidentally, my psychiatrist works at the hospital and happened to be the psychiatrist on call that day. So I was sent from the ER to the CDU (Clinical Decision Unit), an observation unit that holds people for up to 24 hrs instead of admitting them straight to the psych department. I was there for 4 hrs, in which time I made a "safety plan" for the next week, which my psychiatrist requested I do while I was waiting to be evaluated, and I talked to the nurse that was assigned to me. I was getting really frustrated because he was acting like I made this decision with reasoning that was logical and because I was sad and trying to kill myself...so he was saying things like "You have a choice, how is overdosing working for ya?". All I could think was, I didn't have a choice, this was the only option and I still believe that.
In the end I saw my psychiatrist and he decided that I was alright to go home. Little did he know that I lied A LOT in order to make sure I could go home. I told them that I just made a bad decision that "made sense at the time", when really I still believed that I did the right thing and I believed that I had succeeded in warding off the "crash" because I was still really happy. I wrote on my safety plan: new rule: no overdoses for any reason. period. even though I told myself that if it came down to it, I would do it again if I had to. I wasn't trying to blatantly lie, it was more I didn't know how to verbalize what I was feeling at the time. I was feeling very confused but stupidly happy.
I got out just after lunch around 1:00 and took the bus back home and napped for a few hours.
Strangest thing ever: On the way home on the bus this guy came on, only for a few stops, and he strikes up a conversation with me. He starts by complimenting my boots, which are orange and amazing, and then he begins to ask me things like "so what do you do for fun around here?"...I was so confused. I wasn't looking too hot after not showering for a few days and sleeping on curly hair, not to mention I wasn't wearing any makeup, but he asks me "so what's the best way to keep in touch?" I replied Facebook, because I didn't want to give him my number. So he pulls out a business card and gets off the bus. Soooo...I was picked up on the bus?? Bizarre...
It all started when my friend and I were talking on Wednesday night when we watch Glee together, and she said that whenever I get high like that I always "crash" afterward. This stuck like a pin in my brain. I was fixated on it...I couldn't shake it.
Thursday morning, I wake up and I don't feel as happy as I have been feeling and I feel sort of agitated. I begin to panic because I am thinking that this is it, the crash. I'll tell you what I did and why, plus the aftermath, but don't expect any logical reasoning for it.
I was filling my pill dispenser with my meds and I got to my anti-depressants which are orange, and instantly I thought that because they were the same colour as my new boots that it was a sign. It was the answer to my "crashing" problem. I was also eating yogurt and somehow I came to the conclusion that the combination of the yogurt and all my anti-depressants would stop the crash from happening and keep me happy. I took about 28 pills, 100mg each of Zoloft. Usually I take two a day.
Then I go about my day and end up calling my friend to see what she is doing and I end up telling her what I did, cause I was sort of proud for fixing the situation. She freaked and told me I had to go to the hospital asap. She couldn't take me because she had to go to work but she made me promise to go, so I did.
I've overdosed before but I don't remember any of those times because I was dissociating when it happened, so this was a very different experience from what I am used to. I got there and practically walked right in, not because it wasn't busy, but because they were afraid I would go into liver failure. I didn't have to get my stomach pumped but I did have to drink a thing of charcoal, which was horrid, and have an IV. They made me stay for observation for 24/hrs because apparently the half-life of this medication is long and it takes a while to clear the system. The charcoal absorbed all the medication pretty much, including my morning medications so by the afternoon I was going into withdrawals and felt ridiculously sick.
The Dr. told me that the amount I took was toxic and very dangerous but I was like, whatever. Apparently my blood results were fine and I didn't have any liver damage. What was the worst, everyone kept asking me why I did it and at the time I didn't really understand. I was pretty confused to have done it in the first place and because it wasn't the straight forward "I tried to kill myself" everyone had a lot of questions and I had very few answers.
Friday morning I was medically cleared to go home but I still had to talk to a psychiatrist. Coincidentally, my psychiatrist works at the hospital and happened to be the psychiatrist on call that day. So I was sent from the ER to the CDU (Clinical Decision Unit), an observation unit that holds people for up to 24 hrs instead of admitting them straight to the psych department. I was there for 4 hrs, in which time I made a "safety plan" for the next week, which my psychiatrist requested I do while I was waiting to be evaluated, and I talked to the nurse that was assigned to me. I was getting really frustrated because he was acting like I made this decision with reasoning that was logical and because I was sad and trying to kill myself...so he was saying things like "You have a choice, how is overdosing working for ya?". All I could think was, I didn't have a choice, this was the only option and I still believe that.
In the end I saw my psychiatrist and he decided that I was alright to go home. Little did he know that I lied A LOT in order to make sure I could go home. I told them that I just made a bad decision that "made sense at the time", when really I still believed that I did the right thing and I believed that I had succeeded in warding off the "crash" because I was still really happy. I wrote on my safety plan: new rule: no overdoses for any reason. period. even though I told myself that if it came down to it, I would do it again if I had to. I wasn't trying to blatantly lie, it was more I didn't know how to verbalize what I was feeling at the time. I was feeling very confused but stupidly happy.
I got out just after lunch around 1:00 and took the bus back home and napped for a few hours.
Strangest thing ever: On the way home on the bus this guy came on, only for a few stops, and he strikes up a conversation with me. He starts by complimenting my boots, which are orange and amazing, and then he begins to ask me things like "so what do you do for fun around here?"...I was so confused. I wasn't looking too hot after not showering for a few days and sleeping on curly hair, not to mention I wasn't wearing any makeup, but he asks me "so what's the best way to keep in touch?" I replied Facebook, because I didn't want to give him my number. So he pulls out a business card and gets off the bus. Soooo...I was picked up on the bus?? Bizarre...
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
She's so hiiiiiiiigh...
Lately I have been feeling elated. I feel like I am walking on a cloud. Everything is sunshine and puppies it seems. I don't have any reason to be this happy, on the contrary I spent the entire weekend working on my presentation and assignment that was due Monday and studied for two midterms that were today. I also had a headache from Friday till Monday and I was sick all last week....sooo...no reason to be this way.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and he thinks maybe I am too happy. I'm just like, "How can you be TOO happy?". Well apparently you can.
It is not that I am just happy, I am also super productive...it's like I am buzzing around with a motor attached to my backside. I just have so much energy and I want to do anything and everything. I started writing a new book, I cleaned everything in the house, I have sparked up conversations with absolute strangers just because I feel like talking. I want to call all my friends up and talk for hours.
Last week it was like something just clicked. I was content one moment and then suddenly I was soo excited I couldn't catch my breath. I tried to calm myself down but I couldn't....that's when I see being too happy as a problem.
So far I don't really see any down sides to this. I am accomplishing more in the last few days than I have been in the last few months. Happiness is WAY better than sadness, my usual emotion. And I have so many ideas...and from the reactions of people around me apparently I am more funny this way.
I am kind of sad though...because if this is some kind of bipolar episode that means it is not the real me...the real me doesn't get much done and spends a lot of the time doing nothing...plus I don't think I am as funny or quick. But maybe he's wrong and I am actually just finally out of my depression.
Only time will tell I guess.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and he thinks maybe I am too happy. I'm just like, "How can you be TOO happy?". Well apparently you can.
It is not that I am just happy, I am also super productive...it's like I am buzzing around with a motor attached to my backside. I just have so much energy and I want to do anything and everything. I started writing a new book, I cleaned everything in the house, I have sparked up conversations with absolute strangers just because I feel like talking. I want to call all my friends up and talk for hours.
Last week it was like something just clicked. I was content one moment and then suddenly I was soo excited I couldn't catch my breath. I tried to calm myself down but I couldn't....that's when I see being too happy as a problem.
So far I don't really see any down sides to this. I am accomplishing more in the last few days than I have been in the last few months. Happiness is WAY better than sadness, my usual emotion. And I have so many ideas...and from the reactions of people around me apparently I am more funny this way.
I am kind of sad though...because if this is some kind of bipolar episode that means it is not the real me...the real me doesn't get much done and spends a lot of the time doing nothing...plus I don't think I am as funny or quick. But maybe he's wrong and I am actually just finally out of my depression.
Only time will tell I guess.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Rewards ideas....
I have been trying to think of little rewards I can give myself for reaching my weight loss goals and I am having difficulty. I have been doing a lot of soul-searching through October and November and I came to the realization that I already let myself have any reward I want without earning it. So I guess it isn't even a reward it's just pure pleasure-seeking behaviour. This needs to change...
Now I am trying to take the things that I used to just let myself do and make them sacred so that they can be rewards.
I came up for a really awesome one for when I hit my ultimate goal weight. My cousin is a photographer and I was going to ask her if she would do a photo shoot on me with my new hot body and confidence. I know if I were to do it now I would be so self-conscious and definitely would NOT want to see the pictures because all my fat would be showing. I davel in a little photography myself and I do like glamour and high fashion photo shoots with my friends occasionally but I never get them done because I am the one behind the camera usually. This reward is SO motivating for me. I want to be able to have pictures to show off what I've worked so hard to achieve and also to look back on when I am older and be like "damn I was hot..and still am". Our generation is one of the first that won't say "I'm not thin like I was in highschool", etc...cause many of us weren't. I want to be able to be at least thin while I am young enough to wear daring outfits, and going out on the town with friends. I have some fierce heels that get hardly any use because I don't fit into many of my bar clothes anymore.
I guess another motivator is my current wardrobe. When I came back to school in September I only brought the clothes that currently fit me...it was quite a shock when I realized that that was only HALF of the clothing I own. I am about 10lbs away from what I weighed when I fit in those clothes...maybe not perfectly, but at least I wasn't bulging in them. So I guess that will be my reward for hitting 170...old/new clothing to wear.
I am trying to find rewards that don't require me spending any money. My aunt offered to buy me two outfits, one when I lost 10lbs and one for when I lose 20. I am currently down 18...so I am so close to the outfits. I don't want them yet though, because I know I am going to lose more weight and I don't want them not to fit. Maybe I will make that my 40 and 50lb targets.
I also bought this dress...it is frickin killer. It is black and grey horizontal stripped, large stripes, strapless, VERY formfitting and about mid-thigh length. It makes my hourglass figure look banging...but that is with a lot of sucking in and strategic posing. I figure in about 20lbs it will be perfect. I am going to make it a reward to wear it out to a club once it fits. I will have to post pics...definitely.
SO recap:
175: Girly night with movies and pedicures
170: New/old wardrobe
165: Hair cut - no hair cuts till then...yikes
160: New outfit from my aunt
155: Go out in target dress
150: New outfit from my aunt
145: Tattoo??
140: Photo shoot and bathing suit
Does anyone have any rewards that cost either very little or nothing that I could use to motivate myself??
Now I am trying to take the things that I used to just let myself do and make them sacred so that they can be rewards.
I came up for a really awesome one for when I hit my ultimate goal weight. My cousin is a photographer and I was going to ask her if she would do a photo shoot on me with my new hot body and confidence. I know if I were to do it now I would be so self-conscious and definitely would NOT want to see the pictures because all my fat would be showing. I davel in a little photography myself and I do like glamour and high fashion photo shoots with my friends occasionally but I never get them done because I am the one behind the camera usually. This reward is SO motivating for me. I want to be able to have pictures to show off what I've worked so hard to achieve and also to look back on when I am older and be like "damn I was hot..and still am". Our generation is one of the first that won't say "I'm not thin like I was in highschool", etc...cause many of us weren't. I want to be able to be at least thin while I am young enough to wear daring outfits, and going out on the town with friends. I have some fierce heels that get hardly any use because I don't fit into many of my bar clothes anymore.
I guess another motivator is my current wardrobe. When I came back to school in September I only brought the clothes that currently fit me...it was quite a shock when I realized that that was only HALF of the clothing I own. I am about 10lbs away from what I weighed when I fit in those clothes...maybe not perfectly, but at least I wasn't bulging in them. So I guess that will be my reward for hitting 170...old/new clothing to wear.
I am trying to find rewards that don't require me spending any money. My aunt offered to buy me two outfits, one when I lost 10lbs and one for when I lose 20. I am currently down 18...so I am so close to the outfits. I don't want them yet though, because I know I am going to lose more weight and I don't want them not to fit. Maybe I will make that my 40 and 50lb targets.
I also bought this dress...it is frickin killer. It is black and grey horizontal stripped, large stripes, strapless, VERY formfitting and about mid-thigh length. It makes my hourglass figure look banging...but that is with a lot of sucking in and strategic posing. I figure in about 20lbs it will be perfect. I am going to make it a reward to wear it out to a club once it fits. I will have to post pics...definitely.
SO recap:
175: Girly night with movies and pedicures
170: New/old wardrobe
165: Hair cut - no hair cuts till then...yikes
160: New outfit from my aunt
155: Go out in target dress
150: New outfit from my aunt
145: Tattoo??
140: Photo shoot and bathing suit
Does anyone have any rewards that cost either very little or nothing that I could use to motivate myself??
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I've decided...This summer is the summer of the BIKINI!
All of my life I have been too embarrassed to be seen in anything less than a tankini and shorts...so I have decided that this summer is going to be the summer of the bikini!
I figure I have enough time to actual meet this goal. I need to lose 42 lbs by May 20th, which is my birthday and also Victoria Day celebrations in Canada. It is a huge camping weekend and it is usually the first weekend that the pool is open. That gives me 7 months to accomplish the weight loss and also toning up so that I am not thin but giggly. If I lost two pounds a week until the new year that would be 14lbs. Then I would only have 28lbs to go. Then if I continued to lose 2 lbs a week I would lose those 28lbs by mid-April.
I think this is a reasonable goal. It even gives me about a month leeway in case things don't work out as smoothly as planned. When I was really determined in September I was losing 3lbs a week, so I think 2lbs is doable.
I am also hoping to get a breast reduction by next summer. This would be amazing because right now I wear an E cup and NO bathing suits fit my upper body. Personally I think I look vulgar, as one of my friends put it when we were trying on bikinis in a store "HELLO Pamela Anderson"...I have not tried on a triangle top bikini since.
Whoo! I am soo pumped and very proud of myself for setting realistic goals. I have a tendency toward self-destruction, but I want to be able to say I did this the healthy way...for the first time in my life. We'll see how it goes...
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Green plastic watering can...
Every once and a while I get hit with a memory from the last few years...the disaster that has been my life. It always stops me in my tracks and suddenly I am off in space, re-living each breath.
Today for some reason I was thinking about when I was in the hospital last month. The psychiatrist I saw in the ER I had seen a year ago in July when I had been sent, against my will, by my doctor for suicidal behaviours. That's where my mind went, back to that crazy day. That psychiatrist and I had it out, he was so combative, but then again I guess I was too. We debated existential ideas and he challenged my apathetic view of life. I remember feeling like the wind got knocked out of me. In the end, he let me go that day, to my doctor's, friends and counsellor's dismay.
When I saw him in October he was like, I have seen you before, I let you go. Sarcastically I replied, "And, I'm still alive...yaay" and he laughed. He was much nicer this time around...very different reasons I was there I guess, but I actually kinda liked him. He's a child and adolescent psychiatrist and he works with my psychiatrist at the hospital, who is also a child and adolescent psychiatrist.
Now I need to pull myself out of these thoughts and actually do something productive with my life. I have two midterms this week which I haven't started studying for so I do not have time to wander around in the past. Unfortunately these memories don't always like to listen...so I will probably be struggling to control them the rest of the day. C'est la vie...
Today for some reason I was thinking about when I was in the hospital last month. The psychiatrist I saw in the ER I had seen a year ago in July when I had been sent, against my will, by my doctor for suicidal behaviours. That's where my mind went, back to that crazy day. That psychiatrist and I had it out, he was so combative, but then again I guess I was too. We debated existential ideas and he challenged my apathetic view of life. I remember feeling like the wind got knocked out of me. In the end, he let me go that day, to my doctor's, friends and counsellor's dismay.
When I saw him in October he was like, I have seen you before, I let you go. Sarcastically I replied, "And, I'm still alive...yaay" and he laughed. He was much nicer this time around...very different reasons I was there I guess, but I actually kinda liked him. He's a child and adolescent psychiatrist and he works with my psychiatrist at the hospital, who is also a child and adolescent psychiatrist.
Now I need to pull myself out of these thoughts and actually do something productive with my life. I have two midterms this week which I haven't started studying for so I do not have time to wander around in the past. Unfortunately these memories don't always like to listen...so I will probably be struggling to control them the rest of the day. C'est la vie...
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
New Month = New Life
When I came back to school in September I was focused. I managed to lose ten pounds by Thanksgiving weekend (October 12th). Then after that it all went downhill. I let myself eat whatever I wanted at Thanksgiving dinner and that dinner is what broke the camels back as they say. Then the next weekend was Oktoberfest and I got super drunk and ended up eating THREE Oktoberfest sausages, giant buns and all, in ONE HOUR! The sad part is I don't even remember eating all of them. lol Then came Halloween and all the mini-chocolate bars I could get my hands on....Nightmare.
However, I gained back 5 after Oktoberfest and then somehow lost 1.5 between then and now. So that leaves me at 183.5 yesterday.
Over the last few weeks I have felt lost. My drive to accomplish my goals went out the window and all motivation seemed to subside. I pretty much just focused on Halloween and my party. Now that Halloween is over I feel sad and empty...but I am not going to take this lying down! No!
Plans for my new life kicked in on Sunday. Here are some of my new life rules:
For weight loss:
- <1000 cals/day
- Go to the gym daily
- INPUT = OUTPUT, exercise off whatever calories ingested that day**
- Lift weights 1-2/wk
- If a friend asks to do some kind of physical activity, if I'm available, I cannot say no
Other Rules:
- Must not leave the house in sweat pants
- Must put on makeup when going to class
- Must go to all classes
- Must make it to the library at least once a week
- NO BINGES
Goals:
- Establish 1 short term goal per week
November 1-8th: lose 3-4 pounds
- Establish 1 long term goal in four areas: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual
Physical: Lose ten+ pounds by December 1st.
Emotional: Find other ways to cope with overwhelming emotions outside of cutting
Mental: Start study for final exams after midterms are over (November 12th) - I want to see those 90's baby!
Spiritual: get in touch with nature
So these will probably all change as I see more relevant and specific goals but this is my new direction for now. I'm pumped! A friend of mine has joined me in the mission to lose weight. She does weight watchers so I am going to accompany her to those meetings (it's free as long as you don't weight in) once a week and we are going to do a separate weigh in for me at the gym. Definitely my two most important goals as I see it at the moment are the physical and mental goals.
I am just raring to go! My friend was really nervous about the weigh in today but the way I look at it, no matter how bad it is, it is only down from here. And it isn't like we are being subjected to a weigh in and we can't exercise or eat properly...we have all the power! I feel like nothing can stop me now. I have been in the gym the last three days burning a minimum or 700 cals and I am not tired so I know I can keep it up.
To my two followers :"), any goals currently??
However, I gained back 5 after Oktoberfest and then somehow lost 1.5 between then and now. So that leaves me at 183.5 yesterday.
Over the last few weeks I have felt lost. My drive to accomplish my goals went out the window and all motivation seemed to subside. I pretty much just focused on Halloween and my party. Now that Halloween is over I feel sad and empty...but I am not going to take this lying down! No!
Plans for my new life kicked in on Sunday. Here are some of my new life rules:
For weight loss:
- <1000 cals/day
- Go to the gym daily
- INPUT = OUTPUT, exercise off whatever calories ingested that day**
- Lift weights 1-2/wk
- If a friend asks to do some kind of physical activity, if I'm available, I cannot say no
Other Rules:
- Must not leave the house in sweat pants
- Must put on makeup when going to class
- Must go to all classes
- Must make it to the library at least once a week
- NO BINGES
Goals:
- Establish 1 short term goal per week
November 1-8th: lose 3-4 pounds
- Establish 1 long term goal in four areas: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual
Physical: Lose ten+ pounds by December 1st.
Emotional: Find other ways to cope with overwhelming emotions outside of cutting
Mental: Start study for final exams after midterms are over (November 12th) - I want to see those 90's baby!
Spiritual: get in touch with nature
So these will probably all change as I see more relevant and specific goals but this is my new direction for now. I'm pumped! A friend of mine has joined me in the mission to lose weight. She does weight watchers so I am going to accompany her to those meetings (it's free as long as you don't weight in) once a week and we are going to do a separate weigh in for me at the gym. Definitely my two most important goals as I see it at the moment are the physical and mental goals.
I am just raring to go! My friend was really nervous about the weigh in today but the way I look at it, no matter how bad it is, it is only down from here. And it isn't like we are being subjected to a weigh in and we can't exercise or eat properly...we have all the power! I feel like nothing can stop me now. I have been in the gym the last three days burning a minimum or 700 cals and I am not tired so I know I can keep it up.
To my two followers :"), any goals currently??
Monday, November 2, 2009
Thinspo: Nov 1st - 8th
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I used to think only the past could haunt you...
Update: Halloween was a fucking success! It was amazing. I don't think I have ever had that much fun while hosting a party or danced that hard while pretty much sober. I was sweating so bad from the dancing that the sideburns I drew on my face with marker (for Elvis) were melting down my face. I laughed soo hard when I saw them in the mirror. Unfortunately there is a lot of food left over...all deadly goodies....but luckily my roommates said they would be happy to take care of it. Problem solved.
So today I was up at 6:00 bright-eyed and bushey-tailed. It was fucked. I partied like an f-ing rockstar last night and expected to sleep in till late afternoon. Thanx again depression, you always find ways to bug me just when I begin to think you are gone.
On that note, this is really hard for me to accept, but I think my depression may be coming back. Lately I have been feeling low more often and just sad. The only thing is it doesn't feel like the depression I know. The one that warped my thoughts so severly that even my close friends didn't recognize me. I guess when I think of my depression I think of me at my worst. I don't remember getting depressed, just suddenly being severely depressed. Suicidal thoughts accompanied my depression so completely that I don't feel that I am depressed unless I have them. Also, all my senses are skewed. The world seems tinted slightly indigo and it even has a scent....I don't feel safe anywhere that most people feel safe. I feel safe when I am being self-destructive, or acting out parts of my suicide plan, like visiting the place I would do it. I used to go to thie bridge by the train station and wait for trains. Of course this is only when I am in that frame of mind, that world.
Last month a friend of mine visited me and she took the train. When I dropped her off there and left to go catch the bus I was standing on that bridge. Just looking down to where I used to go made me feel uneasy. It was the middle of the day, sunny, and you couldn't pay me to go down there. There was tons of garbage and debris and most likely a homeless person. It is funny...I never noticed those things before and I have visited that place at least a hundred times and in the middle of the night no less. How I felt safe there I will only understand when I am in that frame of mind. So knowing that it seems scary makes me feel safe today, because that means I am still somewhat sane.
Maybe I am just feeling down because of Halloween. The last few weeks have been filled with thoughts and preparations and planning for this event. Although it was awesome, now that it is done I feel empty. A one night stand with unbridaled euphoria leaves you feeling cheap and lonelier than before. I don't know what to do with myself now. I feel restless. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I want the days to pass by quickly but at the same time I want time to stand still. It is such a contradiction....I don't know what to do about it. I guess there really isn't anything that I can do about it. It is usually this feeling that I feel the urge to cut. I am trying my best to find other solutions but nothing comes close to how cutting takes away that feeling, temporarily at least. If I find an healthy solution, I will be sure to scream it at the top of my lungs...and post it on here of course.
On the plus side, I burned 700 cals on a cardio machine at the gym today. I tried to burn off those Halloween treats that I wasn't suppose to have....I will pay for them all week in the gym.
So today I was up at 6:00 bright-eyed and bushey-tailed. It was fucked. I partied like an f-ing rockstar last night and expected to sleep in till late afternoon. Thanx again depression, you always find ways to bug me just when I begin to think you are gone.
On that note, this is really hard for me to accept, but I think my depression may be coming back. Lately I have been feeling low more often and just sad. The only thing is it doesn't feel like the depression I know. The one that warped my thoughts so severly that even my close friends didn't recognize me. I guess when I think of my depression I think of me at my worst. I don't remember getting depressed, just suddenly being severely depressed. Suicidal thoughts accompanied my depression so completely that I don't feel that I am depressed unless I have them. Also, all my senses are skewed. The world seems tinted slightly indigo and it even has a scent....I don't feel safe anywhere that most people feel safe. I feel safe when I am being self-destructive, or acting out parts of my suicide plan, like visiting the place I would do it. I used to go to thie bridge by the train station and wait for trains. Of course this is only when I am in that frame of mind, that world.
Last month a friend of mine visited me and she took the train. When I dropped her off there and left to go catch the bus I was standing on that bridge. Just looking down to where I used to go made me feel uneasy. It was the middle of the day, sunny, and you couldn't pay me to go down there. There was tons of garbage and debris and most likely a homeless person. It is funny...I never noticed those things before and I have visited that place at least a hundred times and in the middle of the night no less. How I felt safe there I will only understand when I am in that frame of mind. So knowing that it seems scary makes me feel safe today, because that means I am still somewhat sane.
Maybe I am just feeling down because of Halloween. The last few weeks have been filled with thoughts and preparations and planning for this event. Although it was awesome, now that it is done I feel empty. A one night stand with unbridaled euphoria leaves you feeling cheap and lonelier than before. I don't know what to do with myself now. I feel restless. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I want the days to pass by quickly but at the same time I want time to stand still. It is such a contradiction....I don't know what to do about it. I guess there really isn't anything that I can do about it. It is usually this feeling that I feel the urge to cut. I am trying my best to find other solutions but nothing comes close to how cutting takes away that feeling, temporarily at least. If I find an healthy solution, I will be sure to scream it at the top of my lungs...and post it on here of course.
On the plus side, I burned 700 cals on a cardio machine at the gym today. I tried to burn off those Halloween treats that I wasn't suppose to have....I will pay for them all week in the gym.
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