Since the overdose I have been feeling really confused. When I was in the hospital I was feeling happy and still in an unshakable good mood but that has changed dramatically since. I feel low...I am confused as to why the overdose even happened. I know why I did it in the moment but maybe there were underlying reasons...
I had a dream on Saturday night and in it I had taken an overdose and the reason was because I was trying to get the attention of my parents. Fucked up. That couldn't have been the reason for the actual overdose last week because I didn't even tell my parents about that and I don't plan to. I don't think I would have done it for attention because I firmly believe you ask for attention, you don't demand it through your actions.
The dream got me thinking though...I have always had this belief that once you are an adult you are no longer as important as you were when you were a child. It is like there is an expiry date on your importance. When things happen to children it is tragic, when they happen to adults it's life. I have always feared growing up and I think a lot of it had to do with feeling like I was going to soon be part of the masses, left to fend for myself with no sympathy from anyone. I don't want sympathy, I want understanding and validation. That concept lead me to think about the hospital and its role. When you are in the hospital you are suddenly important. There are people watching over you and making sure you are ok. Maybe underneath it all, I was seeking to feel worth while. I feel like I am worth less in society because I am an adult. I thought I was over these feelings of worthlessness so they have caught me by surprise.
Ugh, I miss feeling happy. Last week, prior to the hospital part, was so fun and exciting. Now I am back down to earth...maybe a little bit below the surface, either way, I am no longer on a cloud.
Currently listening to:
Artist: Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton
Album: Knives Don't Have Your Back
Song: Winning
This album is beautifully depressing. It was the soundtrack to my first breakdown and the first time I was in the psych ward. Winning has the most personal significance, but the whole album is good. If you are looking for some eery, gorgeous, sad songs, this is your ticket.
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