My life as a circus...

Today I was thinking about my life as a circus and who would the key players be.
This is what I got:
The ring master is my psychiatrist, cause he is the head honcho that calls all the shots and the person that all the information gets put through.
My support worker is on the trapeze, and when I am doing well I join her on them.
My dear counsellor, he has double duty. Sometimes he's the lion tamer but he also moonlights as the tight rope walker.
My parents are sometimes on the tight rope, and at one point they were definitely the ring master, but now most of the time they are in the audience with my friends.
Me...when I am not doing well...I am a clown. Not just any clown, when I am down I am one of those sad hobo clowns with their clothes all torn and carry a wilted flower. When I'm "up" I am that crazy clown that is making balloon animals just to pop them in children's faces. haha

La di da di da....

My week has been alright food wise....that is until today. Today I ate with no conscience. I prob ate 2000cals in a span of an hour....fuck. So I am not eating dinner and I am hitting the gym hard. Technically for my height and weight I can eat 2200 without gaining weight. Maintaining...not what I have in mind.

I guess my goal of 10 lbs in 10 days was a bit lofty for this past week. I have not been super busy, I have been sleeping a lot and basically hitting the gym hard. I went to the gym at 6:30 this morning to weigh myself and I am only down .5lbs since Sunday. Boo. My goal is to lose two lbs in the next three days by: eating 500 cals a day and burning 700cals at the gym a day. I worked out the math and that creates a 7000cal deficit over those days which is equivalent to a 2lb loss.

I might be a little difficult because I have an event on Saturday that is an Italian Bistro for the charity I have been volunteering at. I can't not go because I helped plan it and a couple friends are coming. There's going to be tons of pasta and cake.
I figure I will eat an apple for breakfast and burn 1000cals at the gym, that way I have 300 extra calories to play around with for the day. There will be no cake for me, but I will have to eat some of the dinner for appearances.

My goal for next week:
Eat 800 cals a day + 600+cals burned per day = 14000cal deficit or 4lb loss.

I am going to keep that up for the month of May...and if I do, that works out to 4lbs a week...and I will be 20 lbs lighter in one month.

I love figuring out this math! It makes me soo motivated to stick to my calorie limits and exercise regime.

If you are confused how I do it, this is my logic:

It takes a calorie deficit of 3500cals to lose one lb. So if you have a deficit of 500 cals a day for 7 days you will lose 1 lb.
Now to know where your deficit starts you need to find out what your basal metabolic rate(bmr) is. It can easily be found if you google it. This is how many calories you need per day for how active you are, your weight and height, and just to keep your body alive. Mine is 2200.
To find out what my deficit is for the week I need to multiply how many calories I would need at BMR(2200x7=15400)and subtract from it the number of calories I plan on eating (800x7=5600). So that would be 9800 deficit. Divide that by 3500 and that will give you the number of lbs lost (2.8lbs).
If you plan on exercising, you need to add up per day how much you burned and add that number to the deficit and then divide by 3500 to get the number of lbs lost(600x7=4200; 4200+9800=14000/3500 = 4lbs lost).
Easy as pie.

Thinspo April 27th

To inspire me for my kickboxing class tomorrow nite!

Ana, I'm back!

So I haven't blogged in a while...I orginally started this blog to document my struggles with mental illness and to keep myself accountable to losing weight.

Lately my life has been pretty stable. I haven't had many ups and downs to write about. I have also been in recovery from eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS)and terrible binge episodes.

Let me fill you in on what I haven't been blogging:

In the mental health department, I was in the hospital the last week of February till March 2nd. I was having a manic episode with severe suicidal tendencies. I had pack my bags and had this elaborate plan to go to Ottawa, which is about 6 hrs away, spend the week being reckless (drinking and having promiscuous sex) and then kill myself at the end of the week. I had this glorious idea of what death would be like and I was soo excited for the afterlife. I thought I would finally be at peace. It was fuct up. My counsellor brought me to the hospital where I took an overdose in the waiting room and then had to drink charcoal and get an IV. Then I tried to suffocate myself with a garbage bag in the ER bathroom...it was a shit show. My clothes were all taken away and I had to sleep on a stretcher in the hallway so the security gaurds could keep an eye on me. I was so messed up from the pills I took (Ativan and sleeping pills, ~60) I was crying histerically and arguing with the nurses because they wouldn't give me my medications. It was ridiculous.

Then a couple weeks later, I had anther "high" episode where I was extremely horney and ended up sending sexually provacative texts to guy friends and spending my rent on items from the stag shop. This is very out of character for me. Usually I have no sexdrive because of the medications I am on...this was very out of the blue.

Since then things have been pretty stable with some down days.

On the "recovery" side...fuck. I couldn't work out for January or February because I had a knee injury, which didn't help, but I ended up gaining FIFTEEN POUNDS in the first three months of this year. FUCK. I came within 3 lbs of my heaviest weight ever of 200 lbs. I was fine wearing sweatpants and hoodies...but now that the warm weather has been around I am fretting. I have nothing to wear because nothign fits. Fuck. The "healthy way" to lose weight is obviously NOT working...sooo that leaves me one option. I have decided I am going to give way to old habits. It's been surprisingly easy this week to eat less and less. I am aiming to eat less than 1000 cals a day and burning a minimum of 600cals a day at the gym. I have cut out all junk, and I primarily eat veggies. I have managed to stay around 500-700cals every day and still have energy. I am hoping this shock to the system will help me drop 5lbs this week. When I weighed in on Wednesday I was 192. Fuck.

I feel a bit alone in this. I generally talk to my friends about everything going on in my life. I hate lying and keeping secrets from them...but I want this to work...I NEED this to work. So I decided, when I need to talk about it...I will talk on here. At least it won't eat me up inside.

Challenge...since I just started, and my really close friend just left to Maui today for ten days, I thought of a little competition for myself:

TEN LBS IN TEN DAYS

This is going to sound aweful, but I saw my counsellor on Monday and I will see him again in one month and I want him to be shocked by how much weight I have lost. I want him to be concerned. He can't stop me. I feel like I am in control and I feel a bit powerful. It's a really strange feeling to have...I don't fully understand it.

Well, from here on out I will be checking in often, at least weekly when I weigh in. My weigh ins, right now, are on Wednesdays. This might change when I get a job for the summer.

I feel so empowered right now. I know that this way works for me and right now I don't even know why I have been fighting it...and I am soo looking forward to stepping on the scale next week and FINALLY being down.

Fuck what everyone else says is healthy. I am doing what works.

"I want a perfect body...I want a perfect soul"...gotta love radiohead :)