thoughts....anxieties...

What does it mean to be female?
What can people tell just by looking at me?
Do they see my pain? Do they see my struggle?
DO I look like I don't have a care in the world?
How old do I look? How fat do I look? Why does it matter...


I want to lose so much weight that I no longer exist...That everyone notices my determination and self-discipline.

I feel anxious...I feel dizzy and things seem sureal.

My life is non-existant. I do nothing all day long and only do things when absolutely necessary. My choir...the gym...appointments...group therapy...the never-ending search to find myself, my future...

DO I have a future? Maybe what they say is right...borderlines are doomed. I am doomed to never feel security or self-assured. I feel completely unravelled.

I feel so lonely...even in a crowd of people I feel alone. I can feel happy, I can feel excited...but it doesn't last.

Why does sexuality have to be so complicated? Why don't I react the same as my peers? I have only once seen someone in a sexual way. When I look at people they are completely platonic....men, women...I have no idea what I truly find attractive in a partner because I don't even know what I am looking for. Everyone is on a friend basis with me...I don't know how to cross over. No matter how much I move on, my bad experiences from my past continue to persist in my life.

I refuse to get into a romantic relationship with anyone because I know things will inevitably end up sexual and I don't know how to be that way with anyone...

Take a risk my counsellor says. A risk...I can only see one outcome and that is heart break. Why invest in someone only to not be able to reciprocate their feelings. I don't know many men...or women who are into women for that matter...so it's hard to get to know someone well enough to decide to date or move forward. I don't know if I'm even into men or women...and this is a recent revelation. I can't picture myself being sexual with either...but I can find both attractive with regard to personality and looks. I wish I could feel one way or the other. The confusion is dizzying.

I have blocked out all things, all thoughts sexual as a means to protect myself from these thoughts. I have a bad habit of changing ordinary thoughts into something sinister...an obsession, an out of control twisting and seething of memories and forecasts of the future.

ugh...why does life have to be so complicated...

How strange it is to never know love.

How scary it is to find love and feel out of place.

How sad it is to find happiness and feel depressed.

Why can't life be simple. Wait. When life was simple, I wasn't satisfied. When will I be content...

...reminising...

I am feeling very contemplative.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of performances with my a cappella music group I am a part of. I am one of the conductors and I absolutely love it. I have enjoyed it so much this term I have accredited it to keeping me sane. Not enough time to think. Just go from practice to practice to show to show.

In this whirlwind I have lost track of my feelings, my emotions and my goals. I just feel happy all the time and that is that. I guess that is not a bad thing but that is so forgein to me. Just typing that makes me want to cry. I feel like I have lost a part of myself. The part that yearned for change and for love. I've found love. My life has changed. So why am I crying typing this?

I am so confused.

I was looking over some of the pictures I have posted on facebook over the last years I have been in university and they made me laugh but they also made me realize how far I have come. It has also made me realize that I miss a lot of people in my life who have moved away or who I only see on special occasions. I also realized that I am missing so many memories, of the good and bad. I guess I will never know why I don't remember most of my life.

I used to live with so many questions and now I must learn to live with so many questions unanswered.

My life as a circus...

Today I was thinking about my life as a circus and who would the key players be.
This is what I got:
The ring master is my psychiatrist, cause he is the head honcho that calls all the shots and the person that all the information gets put through.
My support worker is on the trapeze, and when I am doing well I join her on them.
My dear counsellor, he has double duty. Sometimes he's the lion tamer but he also moonlights as the tight rope walker.
My parents are sometimes on the tight rope, and at one point they were definitely the ring master, but now most of the time they are in the audience with my friends.
Me...when I am not doing well...I am a clown. Not just any clown, when I am down I am one of those sad hobo clowns with their clothes all torn and carry a wilted flower. When I'm "up" I am that crazy clown that is making balloon animals just to pop them in children's faces. haha