thoughts....anxieties...

What does it mean to be female?
What can people tell just by looking at me?
Do they see my pain? Do they see my struggle?
DO I look like I don't have a care in the world?
How old do I look? How fat do I look? Why does it matter...


I want to lose so much weight that I no longer exist...That everyone notices my determination and self-discipline.

I feel anxious...I feel dizzy and things seem sureal.

My life is non-existant. I do nothing all day long and only do things when absolutely necessary. My choir...the gym...appointments...group therapy...the never-ending search to find myself, my future...

DO I have a future? Maybe what they say is right...borderlines are doomed. I am doomed to never feel security or self-assured. I feel completely unravelled.

I feel so lonely...even in a crowd of people I feel alone. I can feel happy, I can feel excited...but it doesn't last.

Why does sexuality have to be so complicated? Why don't I react the same as my peers? I have only once seen someone in a sexual way. When I look at people they are completely platonic....men, women...I have no idea what I truly find attractive in a partner because I don't even know what I am looking for. Everyone is on a friend basis with me...I don't know how to cross over. No matter how much I move on, my bad experiences from my past continue to persist in my life.

I refuse to get into a romantic relationship with anyone because I know things will inevitably end up sexual and I don't know how to be that way with anyone...

Take a risk my counsellor says. A risk...I can only see one outcome and that is heart break. Why invest in someone only to not be able to reciprocate their feelings. I don't know many men...or women who are into women for that matter...so it's hard to get to know someone well enough to decide to date or move forward. I don't know if I'm even into men or women...and this is a recent revelation. I can't picture myself being sexual with either...but I can find both attractive with regard to personality and looks. I wish I could feel one way or the other. The confusion is dizzying.

I have blocked out all things, all thoughts sexual as a means to protect myself from these thoughts. I have a bad habit of changing ordinary thoughts into something sinister...an obsession, an out of control twisting and seething of memories and forecasts of the future.

ugh...why does life have to be so complicated...