the recent devastation

So I am feeling pretty defeated right now.

I don't know if I ever stated this on that I am in a band. It is still in the really early stages. Mostly performing covers and writing songs. We have like ten songs started but none finished. All of us have been really frustrated with the situation and recently it has come to a head.

Basically I had a conversation with the two other people in the band last month, one of them being my brother. They basically said they wanted to kick me out of the band, but I convinced them to give me a trial until the end of August. Since that meeting we haven't done anything musically.

I talked to the member that isn't my brother but that is my roommate and he said he doesn't want to work with me, flat out. He said based on the way we wrote a few times he thought I was too negative. I talked to him and said I can change and I need him to tell me when he doesn't like what I am doing. He said he would be willing to still give me to the end of August to see how we worked.

I talked to my brother yesterday about what the other member said and he had a lot to say on the subject. He told me living together was a big mistake and basically now he is just annoyed with me. He said that he hates that people (probably my parents) always ask how I am doing emotionally, financially, overall, etc. I said thats not my fault. He also said he isn't the only one who finds things about me annoying. People have been coming up to him and complaining about my "behaviour" and he hates that. He didn't name any names but it is probably all the people I have lived with the last 12 months who I thought were my friends. He said they complain that I talk to loud, and talk too much about myself, and only talk about few things. I told him I am working on it, but he said too little too late. Basically he said he can't stand me. And that is just the one side. The other side of it is that they don't want to be in business with someone who is "unstable" or that has mental illness. I told him I am working on that too...but again, there are no gaurentees and too little too late.

Oh and to add salt to my wounds, he told me that I don't look like a lead singer because I am too fat and bascially I need to look a certain way and he doesn't know if I will ever get my act together enough to lose the weight. Nice...

I feel so hurt. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I am so angry at the COWARDS who have been talking behind my back and didn't have the decency to tell me to my face the things that they don't like about me. After I talked to him I had to catch the bus to go to Zumba and I cried the entire way on the bus. The workout helped but I am still upset. I am crying as I write this. It's really hard to feel good about yourself when you find out so many people don't really like you.

My friend said it's probably not as many people as I think and I have probably become the scapegoat for all the things going wrong in their lives and in the house.

I don't know...right now I feel like I am walking around without any skin. I feel upset about it all and I don't know how to rectify the situation. Basically what my brother said was that I can't rectify the situation without being a different person.

I just want to run away from this house. I feel like I never want to see these people again. Which is impossible because one of them is my brother.

On the other hand...I have been in a band of some sorts with my brother since 2005. It is upsetting for me to think it is going to end this way, especially because I have a lot less problems with them then they obviously have with me.

I wish I had the talent and the confidence to go it on my own...

thoughts....anxieties...

What does it mean to be female?
What can people tell just by looking at me?
Do they see my pain? Do they see my struggle?
DO I look like I don't have a care in the world?
How old do I look? How fat do I look? Why does it matter...


I want to lose so much weight that I no longer exist...That everyone notices my determination and self-discipline.

I feel anxious...I feel dizzy and things seem sureal.

My life is non-existant. I do nothing all day long and only do things when absolutely necessary. My choir...the gym...appointments...group therapy...the never-ending search to find myself, my future...

DO I have a future? Maybe what they say is right...borderlines are doomed. I am doomed to never feel security or self-assured. I feel completely unravelled.

I feel so lonely...even in a crowd of people I feel alone. I can feel happy, I can feel excited...but it doesn't last.

Why does sexuality have to be so complicated? Why don't I react the same as my peers? I have only once seen someone in a sexual way. When I look at people they are completely platonic....men, women...I have no idea what I truly find attractive in a partner because I don't even know what I am looking for. Everyone is on a friend basis with me...I don't know how to cross over. No matter how much I move on, my bad experiences from my past continue to persist in my life.

I refuse to get into a romantic relationship with anyone because I know things will inevitably end up sexual and I don't know how to be that way with anyone...

Take a risk my counsellor says. A risk...I can only see one outcome and that is heart break. Why invest in someone only to not be able to reciprocate their feelings. I don't know many men...or women who are into women for that matter...so it's hard to get to know someone well enough to decide to date or move forward. I don't know if I'm even into men or women...and this is a recent revelation. I can't picture myself being sexual with either...but I can find both attractive with regard to personality and looks. I wish I could feel one way or the other. The confusion is dizzying.

I have blocked out all things, all thoughts sexual as a means to protect myself from these thoughts. I have a bad habit of changing ordinary thoughts into something sinister...an obsession, an out of control twisting and seething of memories and forecasts of the future.

ugh...why does life have to be so complicated...

Coming Clean

So I haven't updated weight on the side of my page for a loooong time.

So my weight ballooned to 216lbs over 5 months because I had hypothyroidism that was undiagnosed. Apparently it was caused by my med Lithium I was taking. One of it's common side effects is hypothyroidism. So finally in January/Feb I was diagnosed and put on thyroid meds. Then my thyroid corrected and now I can lose weight again.

I am currently 209lbs.Not great, by any means, but it is going in the right direction finally. During those 5 months I would gain about 2lbs a week! And that was while I was exercising and eating right.

I have been going to an ED outpatient program since February so I have been trying to just eat normal and not worry about losing weight, but lately that's been really hard.

I back to trying to find diets to follow and trying to lose as much weight as possiblein the shortest amount of time. There is this red dress I bought online that is a little too tight right now butI want to wear it on my birthday in may. Thisis the dress but mine is red. It's sexy and hawt!

How strange it is to never know love.

How scary it is to find love and feel out of place.

How sad it is to find happiness and feel depressed.

Why can't life be simple. Wait. When life was simple, I wasn't satisfied. When will I be content...

...reminising...

I am feeling very contemplative.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of performances with my a cappella music group I am a part of. I am one of the conductors and I absolutely love it. I have enjoyed it so much this term I have accredited it to keeping me sane. Not enough time to think. Just go from practice to practice to show to show.

In this whirlwind I have lost track of my feelings, my emotions and my goals. I just feel happy all the time and that is that. I guess that is not a bad thing but that is so forgein to me. Just typing that makes me want to cry. I feel like I have lost a part of myself. The part that yearned for change and for love. I've found love. My life has changed. So why am I crying typing this?

I am so confused.

I was looking over some of the pictures I have posted on facebook over the last years I have been in university and they made me laugh but they also made me realize how far I have come. It has also made me realize that I miss a lot of people in my life who have moved away or who I only see on special occasions. I also realized that I am missing so many memories, of the good and bad. I guess I will never know why I don't remember most of my life.

I used to live with so many questions and now I must learn to live with so many questions unanswered.