So I am feeling pretty defeated right now.
I don't know if I ever stated this on that I am in a band. It is still in the really early stages. Mostly performing covers and writing songs. We have like ten songs started but none finished. All of us have been really frustrated with the situation and recently it has come to a head.
Basically I had a conversation with the two other people in the band last month, one of them being my brother. They basically said they wanted to kick me out of the band, but I convinced them to give me a trial until the end of August. Since that meeting we haven't done anything musically.
I talked to the member that isn't my brother but that is my roommate and he said he doesn't want to work with me, flat out. He said based on the way we wrote a few times he thought I was too negative. I talked to him and said I can change and I need him to tell me when he doesn't like what I am doing. He said he would be willing to still give me to the end of August to see how we worked.
I talked to my brother yesterday about what the other member said and he had a lot to say on the subject. He told me living together was a big mistake and basically now he is just annoyed with me. He said that he hates that people (probably my parents) always ask how I am doing emotionally, financially, overall, etc. I said thats not my fault. He also said he isn't the only one who finds things about me annoying. People have been coming up to him and complaining about my "behaviour" and he hates that. He didn't name any names but it is probably all the people I have lived with the last 12 months who I thought were my friends. He said they complain that I talk to loud, and talk too much about myself, and only talk about few things. I told him I am working on it, but he said too little too late. Basically he said he can't stand me. And that is just the one side. The other side of it is that they don't want to be in business with someone who is "unstable" or that has mental illness. I told him I am working on that too...but again, there are no gaurentees and too little too late.
Oh and to add salt to my wounds, he told me that I don't look like a lead singer because I am too fat and bascially I need to look a certain way and he doesn't know if I will ever get my act together enough to lose the weight. Nice...
I feel so hurt. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I am so angry at the COWARDS who have been talking behind my back and didn't have the decency to tell me to my face the things that they don't like about me. After I talked to him I had to catch the bus to go to Zumba and I cried the entire way on the bus. The workout helped but I am still upset. I am crying as I write this. It's really hard to feel good about yourself when you find out so many people don't really like you.
My friend said it's probably not as many people as I think and I have probably become the scapegoat for all the things going wrong in their lives and in the house.
I don't know...right now I feel like I am walking around without any skin. I feel upset about it all and I don't know how to rectify the situation. Basically what my brother said was that I can't rectify the situation without being a different person.
I just want to run away from this house. I feel like I never want to see these people again. Which is impossible because one of them is my brother.
On the other hand...I have been in a band of some sorts with my brother since 2005. It is upsetting for me to think it is going to end this way, especially because I have a lot less problems with them then they obviously have with me.
I wish I had the talent and the confidence to go it on my own...
