September 20th: hit highest weight = panic and took an overdose
Spent the night in the hospital. Out at 6:30 in the morning.
September 27th: Mood swings lead from a high to a major low...desperately wanted to take an overdose to stop the horrid thoughts. Took my medications to the hospital gave them to the nurse. Waited in the waiting room for 2 and a half hours...panicstruck, snuck back into the nurses station and took the pills I wanted from the bag and took too many...overdose AGAIN. SPent night in the hospital. Out next day.
Wedding last weekend: Very fun. I sang and played my guitar at the reception and dedicated a song to the bride and groom. All my cousins are so thin and pretty. Not only are they blonde twins, they are 5'11" and 6' tall...they are so thin they could be models. They have the amazing gap between their long thighs.
Monday, Oct 3: I was elevated all weekend from the wedding and being happy, and then I completely crashed Monday night. I started writing my goodbye letters to friends and family, I cleaned my room and packed some things, threw out garbage. Took 5 clonazepam and went to bed. (My usual dose is 2)
Tuesday I was really down and called my counsellor and left a message that said "I am not doing very well". He called me back about an hour later and by that point I mood swinged into a mania and I thought suicide was the best decision I've ever made. I thought of it like an economist. The cost of me living outweighed the benefits. I was a burden on my friends and family and the health care system. I would no longer have to feel aweful and fat all the time. Or have crazy moodswings. It's perfect! Ya...my counsellor didn't think so and he and I decided to meet at the hospital. He wouldn't budge and I was pissed to be there. I also took 5 clonazepam before I left to go.
I was admitted and slept in the ER from Tuesday night until Friday morning before being brought down to the psych unit Friday around lunch. Thursday night I escaped from the hospital because I was freaking out, I had been doing nothing waiting in the ER and was getting worse. So I ran out the ER entrance and continued to run all the way around the hospital. Then I saw the parkade, aka the parking garage. I went to the top and stood and contemplated whether to jump off. I thought about a lot of things. My family, my friends who just visited me an hour earlier, my counsellor bringing me in....the manic mood began to fade...I felt tired. I took off my second layer of hospital gown and laid it on the concrete and then laid down on it and tried to sleep. I suddenly felt so tired. I had hospital pants and gown on but I began to get cold. I didn't know how long I had been gone and I had decided to not jump...so I put my gown back on and then I walked back to the ER. I went in and nobody said a thing. The security gaurds didn't seem surprised to see me. The nurses either.
Nobody even noticed I was gone.
Reinforcement is a bitch...
