How strange it is to never know love.

How scary it is to find love and feel out of place.

How sad it is to find happiness and feel depressed.

Why can't life be simple. Wait. When life was simple, I wasn't satisfied. When will I be content...

...reminising...

I am feeling very contemplative.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of performances with my a cappella music group I am a part of. I am one of the conductors and I absolutely love it. I have enjoyed it so much this term I have accredited it to keeping me sane. Not enough time to think. Just go from practice to practice to show to show.

In this whirlwind I have lost track of my feelings, my emotions and my goals. I just feel happy all the time and that is that. I guess that is not a bad thing but that is so forgein to me. Just typing that makes me want to cry. I feel like I have lost a part of myself. The part that yearned for change and for love. I've found love. My life has changed. So why am I crying typing this?

I am so confused.

I was looking over some of the pictures I have posted on facebook over the last years I have been in university and they made me laugh but they also made me realize how far I have come. It has also made me realize that I miss a lot of people in my life who have moved away or who I only see on special occasions. I also realized that I am missing so many memories, of the good and bad. I guess I will never know why I don't remember most of my life.

I used to live with so many questions and now I must learn to live with so many questions unanswered.

A tribute to the beautiful Elizabeth Taylor, RIP

First 2011 post - THINSPO!

My Halloween costume and makeup! With Pics!

So today I just did a makeup and cotume run through before Halloween. I have three makeup looks to do on Halloween day so I am trying them all out before hand to make sure things run smoothly.

I am going as Mother Nature! I bought the dress at a thrift store (value village heck ya!), all the stuff on the dress is from the dollar store and I just used a hot glue gun to glue them on. The head piece is made out of molding metal, which can be found at craft stores or in my case, the dollar store. I just used a hot glue gun to glue on the moss, and then the two side panels are material so that it would bend to my face. Then I just used a piece of twine to tie the hat on, no need for bobby pins of clips to secure it. Let me know what you think! I am soo excited!

I got the ideas for the makeup by looking up tutorials online. My favourite is Petrilude. Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmHLtB69bcc&feature=channel

Before the gold leaf with my own eyebrows:


WIth the gold leaf:


The Dress:

In limbo....so confused...

I have been struggling so much lately.

Back in August to mid way through September I was living it up. I felt great. Life was great! I moved into a new house for the year. All new roommates who are awesome!New school year with classes that I love. It was great beginnings.

Half way through September I ended up having a hypomanic episode where I didn't sleep for three days straight the one week adn then I didn't sleep for 5 days the following week. I couldn't go to class because I was a mess and I was exercising 4 hours a day to burn off the extra energy. This was the beginning of the derailment. During these two weeks my obsessive thoughts came back full force. I was obsessing about everything especially my appearance and food.

The following week I was sick and again missed class. Most things went back to normal except for the obsessive thoughts. They are as bas as they've ever been.

So I am obsessing about weight and eating like a maniac. I will binge for a day then not eat for two days, then eat a normal 1200cals one day and then binge for two days. I've gone back to purging...and it's been getting way worse than ever. I purge almost everyday, sometimes twice. I feel out of control.

And to add to it, I can't seem to lose weight. In the summer I ate 1200cals a day, and exercised 6days a week for 1-2hrs and only lost 3lbs in 8 weeks. I've been to my doctor, my counsellor, my psychiatrist and now a dietician and they all say I am doing everything right. Great. So basically the only explaination there is is medications causing weight gain and my polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I am already on medications for the PCOS so there is nothing more they can do.

My dietician is trying to get me to look at food like it is for nurishment and something to enjoy. So I have tried that this week and I am finding that its just causing a lot of cravings. I see her again on Monday so we'll see what she says.

But I feel so conflicted. In one ear I hear "be healthy! Nurish your body! Fuel your workouts! Forget weight loss! Be happy!" then in the other ear I hear "don't eat and purge what you do. Don't miss a day at the gym! Lose weight! Be Happy!".

I am so confused. I have a heaviness in my chest, a tension that just won't go away until I figure this out. I feel like if I could just lose weight I would feel soo much better. I KNOW I would feel better. I want this. I need this. I feel so desperate.....

Song of the day: Skinny Love - Bon Iver

Thinspo for a new life...